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Chapter One of my fan-fiction!


Nayruthepegasister

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So I finally posted it on Fimfiction here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/114438/1/a-witty-name-for-a-glorious-fanfiction/chapter-1-the-new-dawn Wanted to see what everypony here thinks of it. This is only chapter one and I might post other chapters in this blog in the future... Hope you all like it!yay.png

 

Warning... it is rather long... Enjoy!img-1369822-1-UNZJLhS.png

 

 

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  • Brohoof 2

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Nice work, quite long for a first chapter, but nice to read.

The characters all fit quite well into Equestria, and the idea is pretty creative.

 

Uhm, some parts of the story seem just a bit rushed... like the arrival in Ponyville, the meet-up with Zecora and Celestia, a bit further details, just to make it more in one flow would be nice.

 

Anyways, good job, keep it up!

  • Brohoof 1
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Where should I begin? Well, the first thing is that…I should say that a merging of the Legend of Zelda and Friendship is Magic is quite the concept, I must say. I love Zelda. I love ponies. It’s got to be a win-win situation. I really do like the concept. And you don’t go too much of an easy route. The faceless Goddesses is an interesting idea and overall, I like the foundation of the story and the bare concepts behind it.

 

Now, the writing itself. While I was reading, I constantly noted how the writing could be improved. Specifically dialogue. Zecora should rhyme more.

 

Like "The zebra gasped then asked, "Are you the goddess? Do you bring harm?"

 

would become "I steel myself with great alarm! Are you the Goddess that brings us harm"?

 

Anyway, to continue, Applejack’s dialogue is repetitive and dry. Fluttershy’s is too rigid. Luna is too forceful. The chapter is actually short for an opening for this story. I would recommend boosting it to about 5,000 words or more. Also, the ending could use improving too.

 

Positives:

Neat concept

Good story direction

 

Things to improve on:

Dialogue (especially Applejack/Zecora)

Length

Needs more general description

If there is a mane character then establish it

Take a look at a few odd emotions from the characters

Describe why the Goddesses become ponies

 

Overall, I think you can definitely improve your work and really make it stand out! Good luck.

  • Brohoof 1
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