A curious past few days I've had. It was great, but I still don't fully understand why...
Maybe I should start at the beginning of it all.
I was on YouTube, chilling, watching the Yogscast. I posted a witty comment on one Yogscast Kim's videos.
Cue minor freakout/squeeing/fangirling/WHATEVER.
I haven't replied, for fear of sounding like just another fan who's overreacting to her. So I've kept quiet. But I was grinning like a madman all night and into the next day. Which was yesterday.
I got some stuff done yesterday and today. Odd, I'm not normally this productive. Well, maybe I'm just filled with positive energy from Kim... And the dream I had.
Another dream. About the Yogscast, except not.
This time, it was Sparkles*. Only Sparkles*.
So, this was a timeskip dream, as I like to call them. It takes place over a long period of time, but I only get snippets.
First, Kindergarten. I was being bullied and excluded by all the other kids, and Sparkles* stood up for me. Then, in primary school, Sparkles* and I were talking and smiling and laughing as friends... Lastly, high school, and I'm leaning against Sparkles*, his arms wrapped around me... And then I woke up...
Yes, this does kind of reveal my minor crush on the ginger musician. And no, I'm not ashamed. I love Area 11 like my younger cousin loves One Direction. And she loves One Direction, to the point of obsession. And yes, I may be slightly obsessed with Area 11. Not a problem. No...
Well, maybe a problem. I have their songs stuck in my head every waking moment. Not that I mind. Go FAP, Shi No Barado, Cassandra pt 2... I've learnt the lyrics to them now. I sing them when I'm alone.
Oh yeah, that's the only bad thing in my life right now. My lack of self-confidence. Learning to drive is hard when you're worried you're going to hit everything. I can't sing in public without being acutely aware of who and what is around me. I don't trust my instincts as much as I used to. I feel like a dulled blade, and yet somehow I've been more productive lately.
Everything says that I'm able to do it, but just because I'm able doesn't mean I'm ready. That's an interesting revelation I've had. I don't need someone to tell me I can do it. I believe them, I know I can. But maybe what I need is someone to step back, make me feel comfortable being who I am.
Maybe I can do that at the party I'm going to in a week! My best friend IRL is turning 17 and is having a party! She knows EVERYTHING! Except the guys I'm crushing on. All 4, if you include Sparkles* and Lalna (Yes, I'm a fan of the adorkable scientist, don't judge!)... Yes, that leaves 2 IRL, which I'm totally fine not talking to. Seriously, my self-confidence needs a boost...
But then, would I still be me?