It seems like I've always been like this. I am one of the worst people in the world when it comes to making new friends. I'm awful at holding conversations and I'm socially awkward. These aren't things I was told by a counselor. They're just things I've noticed about myself as I've gotten older.

My whole life, I always had a small circle of friends. It's not that I don't like making new friends. And I generally don't want to exclude someone from my conversation. I just can't approach someone and strike up a conversation for one reason: I'm terrified of other people.

When I was young, I was always told by my mother not to talk to strangers or take things from them. Stuff like that. In a nutshell, she basically told me to trust no one. My earliest memory of being told that go back as far as being, maybe, seven years old, but I'm sure she told me that much sooner. And it's a mindset I've carried into adulthood. The notion of walking up to someone and sparking a conversation with them is about one of the scariest ideas I could have. So as I got older, I just didn't talk to people. I was never shy, but I have an extreme lack of confidence.

I actually had so little confidence at one point that I started to hate myself. I would tell myself things like I'm the sorriest piece of garbage there is, that I'm a loser, that nobody loves me. I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep because I felt like I wasn't worth being able to sleep comfortably. And it's not like I just got over that entirely. I still struggle with that kind of stuff today. Ergo, I can't talk to people.

I wish I had more confidence. I've come a long way. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. But even though it's been a couple years since I've felt that low, I still deal with these thoughts. It holds me back like you can't imagine. I don't have many friends. I can't hold a conversation with them because I feel like I'm using up their time or they don't want to talk to me because I'm just some weird guy. I stay in my shell.

I just got this idea tonight because I don't feel good about myself right now. I spent a lot of time with my old friends but now I'm back at college. I don't have any friends up here. That's pretty sad considering I've been up here for a year and a half. I spend the majority of my day on my computer because I don't have to go meet someone face to face and come up with things to say on the spot. I can take my time in forming my thoughts on here. But in real life, I feel like I'm going to say something stupid or take up their time. And it feels awful. I'm so lonely sometimes.

Just needed to vent that.

I need a hug