It's funny, I only ever seem to write these things when my life takes a turn for the worse, and this is definitely one of those occasions. Blogging seems to really help me vent, and this is the only real outlet I have. I hope, as I share this story, I'll gleam some meaning from it just as much as you, the reader, might.

This year, at University, has really pushed me into places I've never been, shoved me into situations I've never had to deal with, and it's been a boatload of discomfort and stress, as I've had to push my boundaries in ways they've never been pushed. This year, I actually had friends, and despite the stress, and the discomfort, and all my insecurities and fears, I felt like I belonged. I felt happy.

And I'm pretty sure I've managed to throw it all away.

Just now, one of the people I'd call my closest friend visited me in my room to tell me that she just couldn't handle the drama I've managed to surround myself with - unintentionally, via my blundering around and my social ineptitude - and that she didn't think we could be friends anymore. And it killed me.

This whole past week or two has been exactly like this. I had another closest friend tell me he expected more from me, and one just stop talking to me entirely, and my ex - who is part of my social group, and with whom I had repaired our relationship back to where we were before our little two-week experiment - is now sabotaging me every chance she can get.

I feel like I need to elaborate. I mentioned blundering and social ineptitude? Well, that's really what it was. I've never had to deal with people, really, outside of my extended family. Much less did I have to deal with 8 or 9 people at a time, all the time. For when my friends and I hung out, it was almost always in a flock. I couldn't handle it, and usually became reclusive when this happened. I'd go to my computer and my phone, because people have hurt me, but my tech hasn't. Even in this reclusive state, I enjoyed the company, but they took this to mean pretty much the exact opposite. Especially when it got to the point where I would only be able to hear half of what they were saying.

I know that I'm the one at fault here, for this, but a few weeks ago, I had these problems shoved in my face, and was told to change these ways. And I did, only for my friends to disappear, apparently to "Send a message", to try and force me to change, when I already had. Drama 1 Dez 0.

I'm not sure what kind of message I was supposed to take from that, my friends abandoning me when I made a conscious effort to change, but I didn't take it too personally and still made the effort, and managed to get most of them back. Minus the ex, of course. Drama: 1, Dez: 1.

And then my heart made mistakes before the group was truly stable again. I don't want to go into details. Drama: 3, Dez: 1.

And now, all the repercussions from every single mistake I've ever made are crashing down over me, one of my closest friends wants nothing more to do with me, my ex is making sure it's exceedingly uncomfortable for anyone else to be in the room while I'm there too, my dad's been laid off (unrelated, but still not helping with the migraines), and the friends I still have I'm scared I'm going to lose, so I've been hiding even more than I used to. And it was going so well; I was changing for the better, I was trying to let them in. And now they've pushed me back into the shut-out phase again.

I don't know what to do, and I don't expect much advice from you guys, but... I needed to get some of this out, anyway. I'm scared of being alone again, and the Internet just isn't the same.

Even if have managed to push all of my friends away, I still value the experience, the bonds I had made, and everything I've learned from them. I've come a long way thanks to all this experience, and even if I lose every single friend I've made, it was worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4BjwTzEZw8

Never before have I grasped the meaning of this song so much as I have now. It's never really applied to me, and I'm grateful for it all.