Jump to content
Banner by ~ Ice Princess Silky
  • entries
    24
  • comments
    109
  • views
    10,561

My Grandmother(the story of why im so emotionless)

Skullbuster

Entry posted by Skullbuster

1,101 views

 Share

so, some of you may know that i am very emotionless and rather apathetic about things, well today im going to tell you why

 

around this time time, October 2010, my grandmother passed away, she never saw my 16th birthday, something she was looking forward to

 

*note im actually tearing up writing this*

 

my grandmother was 76, she died of some sickness(cant remember) in a hospital bed around 6:00pm

 

my grandmother was the nicest person i knew, she was kind and sweet

 

i kinda regret taking advantage of her, i would go there, watch TV, and eat snacks...i cant even stick my hand in a bag of Lays potato chips, let alone eat them with out thinking about her

 

she was a devout christian as well, even though she never could attend church (due to being legally blind) she still watched church services, heck if it wasnt for her, i would have become atheist sooner, (i became one a year later, but that is a different story)

 

her downfall was when one day she was hit with shingles, then gilliumbarrea(i dont know how to spell it) she was hospitalized but she got better, but then she just kept getting sick and eventually we had to put her in the hospital again, she had been in the hospital for a few weeks, her condition getting worse and worse, then came that faithful day in October, my mother picked me up from school, she asked if i wanted to visit her, i said no lets go home...i will forever regret that

when i learned she died, it was unreal, i didnt know how to feel or what do, i stayed home for school for 2 days and came back, even the lady at the attendance office was surprised that i was back so soon, i felt...nothing, at first i thought it was denial, sometimes even today i feel like i could walk down the road and visit her, but i know i cant, shes not there,

 

when i learned of her death a black dark cloud of negativity descended on me, and its never fully cleared, before i was an optimist and emotional, now im emotionless and a pessimist, i realized that that empty feeling wasn't completely denial, it was my emotions dieing, as far as im concerned, my emotions died with her, it also sparked when my hatered for humanity grew and i became an over all jerk, i never really recovered from that until i became a brony, but i still have a lot of negativity about me

 

there, now you know...

 Share

3 Comments

Recommended Comments

termenchecks

when my grandmother died of cancer when i were 8 years old, she had then been sick for 4 years, was the day i faced the harsh and true reality and became a man. if it werent for that i wouldnt be the person i am today. and i'm kinda thankful for that, not like thankful for my grandmother dying, but you know what i'm talking about.

it's time to let it go and stop giving a fuck man, your life will be so much easier.

Link to comment
Sugarcube

I am sorry for your loss Skullbuster, I understand how hard it is too loose a grand parent, I was very close to my grandmother and my greatgrandparents.

 

I lost my grandmother in a car accident where I watched her die, 7 months later I lost my great grandmother to a slow sickness that had been eating away at her for over a year, she was delirious by the time she passed and she asked for me on her death bed and I just couldn't go, I couldn't have the last memory of this strong kind giving woman as sick and frail and helpless.

 

I recently lost my greatgrandfather about 5 months ago, I felt so guilty after my greatgrandmother passed away I didn't visit him as much because being in that house was too painful for me, all my fresh woulds were agitated by the museum of memories that house held.

 

I know it's hard to erase the guilt, the pain, the numbing, but you shouldn't beat yourself up, when we are young we aren't fully aware of our actions because we lack the experince and self awarness something those older than us realize. I am certain your grandmother knew how much you loved her and how important she was to you, and I am certain she wouldn't want you beating yourself up or feeling guilt or shame in her memory.

 

Grieiving is a long process, for me its been a 8 year journey since my grandmother and greatgrandmother passed and I still continue to heal those wounds and find ways to honor their memories. I still ache at the thought they won't be here to watch me graduate college, see the first home me and my boyfriend buy togehter, they won't be present at my wedding. But I know I carry them in my heart, and there memories with me.

 

If you ever need to talk pm me Skullbuster

  • Brohoof 1
Link to comment
Skullbuster

when my grandmother died of cancer when i were 8 years old, she had then been sick for 4 years, was the day i faced the harsh and true reality and became a man. if it werent for that i wouldnt be the person i am today. and i'm kinda thankful for that, not like thankful for my grandmother dying, but you know what i'm talking about.

it's time to let it go and stop giving a fuck man, your life will be so much easier.

ive already lost my emotions, if i stop caring it wont bring my emotions back

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Join the herd!

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...