Feather Spiral

I'm at an age where everybody else has at least ten years of work experience (not necessarily the same...) Yet I have maybe half a year's worth, and virtually no energy despite having taken a long break. I did miserably as part-time teacher for eight weeks, got bronchitis from it and been coughing on and off ever since (it's been... four years oh god) and failed the exam for becoming a real teacher. Before that, I'd barely gotten my Master's degree, with the promise that I would abandon research (yeah, I should've taken the other option of repeating the traineeship) Nowadays I don't even have the willpower to write the stories I'd been planning to write since my university years. I feel like, aside from the last couple years with the quarantine, I've just been a dead weight while everyone around me has been moving forward with their lives.

Dogs are definitely top-tier for me. They're as outgoing and affectionate as I am introverted and shy. My therapist has one, he was so starved for love on my last session. I couldn't resist, and spent half the time crouched or sitting on the floor next to the poor thing. He was shedding though (it is spring) but I honestly didn't much care, I just let him slurp all over my face and stuff.

I wish I weren't scared to commit... new courses, creative projects, even relationships. Yes, my conscious brain knows, the road to success is riddled with failures. But try explaining that to my motivation... it won't let me move on from past frustrations and disappointments.

Something about... a creature or armor set? showing up for a detective game... where kids (or regular adults, not detectives or cops in training or anything of the sort) try to guess... something I forgot He kept showing up with extra armor pieces so they'd try again, I think because they kept guessing wrong and he was trying to help them? There also was a second dream, but I noted it in my journal for its storytelling potential and so won't be sharing it here.

I had at least five different dreams. Wrote down two of them in my journal for storytelling potential, didn't remember anything of two others. The remaining dream, my father had left his empty plate and glass and dirty cutlery on the dining table as he usually does. Except this time, my mother hadn't put them away, and in the morning told me: "Do you know why your dad left this work for you? Because he knows you're useless at home." One of those I wrote down, though... not sure what kind of wacky story I could include it in There was this wormhole of sorts, invisible actually, leading from the ground to the top of a power line bundle (and the lines were supported by very tall concrete pylons). I was controlling some tourism "train", you know those sightseeing things that aren't actually trains cause they go on regular roads and not railway. I told the visitors about the wormhole, then the myth of some angry radioactive kaiju who'd created it. Then I took the mini "train" through it, where it rested across the power lines near one of the pylons, being stuck forever I guess. Sadly I forgot the full story of why the kaiju got angry and created a wormhole, but I'm sure it was very cool.

I had (at least) four distinct dreams last night, at least two of them were Terraria-related as I've been playing it a lot lately (even staying up till midnight or so). I don't remember them though, just one of the other two. Parents and I were on a picnic, napping in the cool breeze (which is unthinkable irl because I'm chilly). Mom took out some sunflower seeds to eat, but spilled them next to me and they were crawling like bugs. So she started collecting them, while they tried skittering off and a few were on me, like my collarbone and mouth. I was ok with that tho... I'm not squeamish when it comes to bugs, generally.

First of all, hope everybody has a happy New Year! Second, holy jesus fuck I haven't been here in forever... and yes, I've still been having weird dreams. And some with storytelling potential, which I wrote down in my journal + various themed files on my laptop for ease of use. Like last night, I was in photography class, kneeling on my seat with pants and undies down... *ahem* aaanyway. It was just the basics intro course, where we discussed stuff like angle and lighting and backdrops. Then a student suggested presentation, such as putting small descriptive captions, either below/above or directly on the image. In another recent dream, I started out in an airship of sorts, supported by a continuous layer of mottled clouds. As I stood on the deck's edge to watch the night sky, the cloud layer ended; as the ship's floor went past the cloud's edge, it fell apart. After dropping in the middle of a town, I stopped a boy's "crime" of paying money for merch instead of vandalizing the store, so the owner celebrated by breaking its windows himself. Last week, I also dreamed of creatures in the night sky, made of galactic clusters leaving a trail of stars and green gas. Somebody evoked a legend about Hayao Miyazaki reaching out to those creatures, to which a girl replied it was silly and modern science explained stars. I told her, "just because we don't believe in mythologies anymore, doesn't mean we won't write more of them." Before that, I remember dreaming of a werewolf named Mulhouse, who hung out with a vampire and a zombie whose names I forgot. There are more, but this is all I'll share right now.~

If you haven't seen Into The Spiderverse, I watched it yesterday (was planning to share with my mom but she left like 20mins into the movie to do really boring things) and highly recommend it. Early this morning, I saw myself in that collider as one of the Spider-people there (guess you could call me Feather Spider?) and my superpower was electromagnetic field perception (*). There also was a villain in there, a kind of pearly-white lizard I hadn't seen elsewhere, which actually was a hologram. Naturally none of us could fight a hologram, so while the other Spider-people battled their enemies, I drew the white lizard's attention to myself. Then I circled it, and with my EM sense, determined the projector's direction; repeat so I slowly approached its location. Eventually I found an "anomaly" where the projector must be, and sure the hologram tried to get in my way, but another Spider-man swooped in. I tore off that panel to reveal the projector, drawing the hologram's aggro again, so the other Spider-man smashed that projector lens. (*) ah, electroception - that's the word

Sometimes I'd like to learn sign languages (not just American) so I could talk to deaf/mute people and maybe find employment in such domains.

Anyone seen Sister Act 2? well I was part of a high school class, in a choir competition just like that movie's climax, and naturally we won. Then some Chinese dude brought us into a lab with a whiteboard, saying he liked our creativity. On the board he marked a bunch of different research topics being worked on, and offered us all scholarships with the different teams. We also went looking for various creatures in that establishment, which (turns out) was a space station with artificial grav. I searched for opilions (harvestmen), though I couldn't see any but was convinced I could somehow sense them nearby. However we caught glimpses of another, much more alien being in there, a lot like the Undine or Species 8472 (Star Trek) using portals to move around. After that creature got either contained or reasoned with, our class was finally allowed to return to Earth with some sorta space plane. After checking the controls and sharing the tasks, I came to be the pilot and radio man, with other students handling the finer details. (Rather than known space planes, this was more like an airliner; terrible idea as the long wings could get torn off during reentry. Still, it had very strong retrorockets, so if necessary we could use those to ease up some of the stress on its hull.) So anyway, I had a direct radio line to NASA ground control, where I said something like "you'll never believe where we're returning from". They confirmed they could see us, then the plane's nose began to glow from friction, and I tried my best to ease us towards the directions given. When I saw the (presumably) NASA facility, they said I was coming in too fast, so I used the retrorockets again as we approached the landing strip. A student lowered the gear, I still asked ground control who confirmed it was down; in passing I said, verbatim "I've literally never landed a plane before". Sadly I woke up without knowing whether the landing was successful or not I'd like to think I did an okay job and we were all in one piece albeit shaken (in both senses)

This past year or so, my sister musta gotten tired of her usual years-old ramblings. Because she decided to dig out DECADES-old ones, from the rotten depths of my toddler years. And one of those, brings forth a traumatic memory that -I- would rather not fucking remember. Imagine you live your life with this vicious, vindictive, on occasion manipulative, much bigger person. You were conditioned to see every wrong as an honest mistake, learn to forgive the worst shit she does. YOUR wrongs, on the other hand, were obviously on purpose and you clearly fucking MEANT for her to be upset. Then it dawns on you that her behavior was abusive, so you stop taking her shit and begin telling her off. Of course it doesn't work, she's too used to unleashing her rage on you and blaming everybody else for intentionally hurting her. All because she was told "no" this ONE TIME in the 90's, when she was a hormone-enraged, spoiled and bitchy little adolescent. Then all of her bitching ends up FORCING YOU to remember that TRAUMATIC shit she did to you, and you scream back at her. After a dozen such outbursts, she FINALLY gets the message and moves on to other fake complaints... until she goes back to the same fucking one. Spend your existence with a stronger person, who keeps warping facts to suit her own desires, who daily harasses and regularly assaults you and the people you love... then just as you start to put your foot down, cries and bawls about "not HAVING BEEN allowed to love a boy" DECADES AGO. How would you feel? I want to know, because I'm too deep in the real thing to actually put a name on it.

I'm such a mess because of many reasons, but the main one I think is my sister being autistic. She's extremely high maintenance, and won't hesitate to throw tantrums or make horrible accusations and name-calling if she doesn't instantly get what she demands. Not to mention, the moment my parents saw I wasn't like her, they automatically decided I didn't need any particular kind of attention. Oh there still were expectations, for sure; just, none of the support or trust that come with them. I was hurt for "love", instantly shamed when I wasn't present and immediately available to do legwork. I grew up with severe anxiety and hypervigilance causing terrible sleep issues, a complete lack of focus that gets in the way of performing tasks properly, and a pathological lack of confidence. It was obvious in my academic decline, and visible to teachers and several doctors I saw. Yet it came up only when a persistent PHYSICAL illness manifested, a throat irritation that's been making me cough for three years. I made an entire blog post about that recently, but I felt like letting this off my chest again, because there's yet another horrible person in our lives now. The piece of shit who just bought the office on the floor below ours, and is now making renovations. Often times I wake to the noise of drills and the entire fuckin place shaking like an earthquake. But that's not even why I call him a piece of shit, because he legit is a pathetic excuse of a human being. With below-zero reason and intelligence, orbiting a self-entitlement and a smugness the size of supermassive black holes.

Aw... I like picking things apart in movies (and shows). It's all part of the fun for me. Plus, I've been studying science for a decade at university. They instilled a critical approach to everything in me, and other students (at least they tried). It's not easy discarding all that training, even when I sit back and chillax with a movie. On another note... I'm not trying to be discriminatory, but... is it me, or are French people much more self-important, disrespectful and insolent than the human average? My father's been dealing with like a dozen different issues right now, at least three of them involve individual humans. All three of those people shut him, won't listen to his take on a problem that affects us, speak to him condescendingly as if they knew everything... Plus, one of them rudely told him she wanted to finish "before my shift is over", how tf is she supposed to do that if she won't even hear out the involved party? It's like the French train their children to never go five fucking seconds without filling the area with their own voices.

I had my lower incisors replaced with a bridge (single piece with 4 crowns together) last friday. A permanent (ceramic) one, but with provisional sealant as it still needs adjustments. Hence next monday evening's appointment to finish up the fine-tuning. It actually was unsteady when he first put it on, so rather than trying to correct it by filing things down, he tried pressing on it - hard. It actually hurt my jaw muscles, I thought it was gonna dislocate, but all he managed was to make the bridge bend. The front of my jaw felt awkward and unstable throughout the week, but I chalked it off to it being newly done. Last two days felt like something stuck between the crowns, which made no sense because the crowns are joined tight. This morning, the whole bridge became loose, it tries to come off when I touch it - I think the sealant is outright gone. Now I still have my appointment on monday, but I ain't gonna spend the weekend on edge, so I called. At least he accepted to give me an emergency appointment, in half an hour.

Is this really the best time and place to have protests about work conditions? I mean... I know this is France. Public gatherings with banners and a megaphone, are as extraordinary as a cheeseburger-and-fries menu. But... bro ...in the recovery period of the COVID-19 crisis (when everybody's busy catching up lost time), inside a hospital lobby? That's fucking cringe. Don't be cringe, bro.

Funny you should complain about sleep existing, because this happened Literally anyone else at late hours: "mmmmh so sleepy... I'll call this a day and head to bed" My father during late night hours: "Yissss the perfect time to discuss complex monetary and administrative subjects with my son and wife~" Every goddamn time, I swear... he either brings up something serious during meals, ruining my mood so I don't feel like eating anymore; or just as I'm preparing to go sleep. Motherfuckin WHY? Why can't you just get tired when it's night time? why's it the perfect time for you to think of this shit? Why in hell do you nap in your chair/couch first, and only get to finance and administration bullshit at bedtime? More to the point - why do you constantly expect me to match that same schedule, and ask for last-minute work at night after a whole day doing nothing productive? How does that fuckin compute?

Last night I was eating in the kitchen, at the usual table we always have our meals together. I was alone, family having already eaten (it's become a habit IRL lately, for personal reasons). Pretty normal so far ...except I look left and realize our fridge door was left wide open. So I get up and go to close the fridge, which happens to be shorter than it is IRL but the control panel on top is the same. I check the panel, its display flashes -8 °C for the freezer (instead of the -18 it normally is). At that point, I wonder how my parents are gonna feel about it when they see the display (for some reason I'm positive they will), which foods mighta begun to go bad (if any) etc. We've had occasions where we put a lot of stuff inside the fridge, it got warmer and struggled to return to normal; no idea why it entered my dream in this specific instance though. It's also true I've found the fridge door open to a crack once in a while, but not gaping wide like that.

Just had my intelligence insulted and been called "lazy" ...by someone who can't put two sentences together without making a dozen errors, and can't understand the plainest meanings. All because I said I didn't wanna read the five-page rebuttal essay they made to me regarding a video. Even though I specified, "after the day I had" - hoping they'd get the underlying message, but nope. Guess, since I didn't share details, they just assumed I lived a good life and "bad day" was this ongoing argument alone?