Troblems

Legit.

Thank you Elo!

 

I would like to see Kay's take on her making hard lightning constructs like Green Lantern and the house stuff before I go ahead with that. Not trying to argue, just would like to know if you guys are in agreement is all.

 

Unfortunately, we're not sure when Kay will be around next. She does character reviews as she has time, but due to her career she's usually only on in bursts, and she's already returned to work.

I have an issue with one line:

His childhood proximity to the forest is what first sparked his interests in storms. They don't occur often in other parts of Equestria unless the pegasi miss too many rains. However over the wild Forest they would occur regularly.

While it's fine that your character seems compelled by storms, it has never been shown in the show that the Everfree forest has more storms than Ponyville or anywhere else. That particular line says more about the world around him than it does the character himself, and a minor rewording would make me a lot more comfortable with it. Other than that it looks good.

After reviewing your character, it seems he has an extreme amount of accomplishments. Considering his cutie mark, a short-lived career in the Royal Guard seems very much out of character. Additionally, being accepted into the Royal Guard requires the character roleplaying through the initiation, due to their assumed closeness with cast characters. I would suggest completely removing the part about being in the Royal Guard, and perhaps after his sister dying, have him throw himself completely into his astronomy work.

Hi Blue Moon,

Your character is really close to being accepted, however one thing needs to be changed:

• Even though there is a picture of the character, a physical description is still required

Beyond that you're golden.

I can't edit the image after she's been accepted, eh? 

If people could edit their characters after it's been accepted into the database, it would defeat the purpose of the approval process.

Edited to add cute mark picture.

Rainbow Dash is known for her flying speed, not her running. And Applejack kicks trees for a living. >.>

Anyways, here is not the place to debate that. Moving to second approval.

Wow, this character is so much better than when you submitted him. Bravo!

There's a couple of minor things that need to be fixed:

In the line below - 

He isn't a great sprinter, unlike other earth ponies, nor is he very strong, but Aspen loves to, and is good at, climbing both trees and cliffs. 

That implies a lot about other earth ponies, and completely removing it would do harm to the sentence itself. I don't remember anything from the show about earth ponies being particularly fast, and tend to be stronger rather than quicker. I could be wrong about that, but I'd feel more comfortable without that line.

The other is this sentence:

Aspen really loves kids, and...

Kid refers to either humans of goats. It needs to be either foal or colts and fillies. 

Looks good, approved.

There is an issue with this character that while minor, is not canonically correct:

It's never been shown that cutie marks give any sort of sensation when they appear. The sentence below would have to be changed:

All night long, she felt the caffeine in her system. When the first rays of dawn shone through the window, and the rush was finally wearing off, she felt a tickling sensation on her flank.

Additionally her relationship with the other character, particularly with a link to the character should be in the 'other' section rather than the backstory.

Looks really good overall, but her personality section is too short. Increase it to two paragraphs, and you should be good to go.

Moved character to change picture. Like the new one more. <3

So there are a couple of things that I'm worried about the implications they make that would reflect on pony society as a whole:

• You make pegasi out of be lower class citizens, which has never really been hinted at in the show
• You also make it seem like there are fewer pegasi and earth ponies in Canterlot, which I don't know is correct either

A couple of other issues:

• Personality sections needs to be 2 paragraphs in length
• Rainbow Dash is touted as being one of the best fliers in Equestria, and hasn't been offered a position within the Wonderbolts. You've basically made him a better flier than her.
• I don't feel like there's enough of an explanation of Resonance. Also, the word mercenary has negative connotations, and I don't think it's the right word to use there. 

This line:

• He wears a brown flight jacket with a flight hat for added efficiency and protection against the cold. Along with that he carries around flight goggles as his eyes, unlike other pegasi, has issues with staying moist while in flight.

I think you could remove the bolded part and it wouldn't change the sentence at all, and as above, it implies a lot about other pegasi.

Denied for using the word moist.

I like the addition of the messy house, but again that would be more in the personality section than the background. The background section is for things that have happened to your character that makes him who he is. Consider adding a paragraph about why he deals with adversity with jokes. It seems like it's a big part of who he is, and integrating that into the backstory will strengthen the character as a whole.

Couple of things here, though it's looking quite good:

• In the first paragraph of the backstory, you call him an only child. Child is used for humans, not ponies. 
• Capitalize Aspen Limb, the grandfather's name.
• The comments about the cat seem like they would be better placed in the "other" section. Moving them around would also mean that you would need to lengthen the second paragraph of the backstory.

This looks pretty good, however that are two references to human tendencies. One where you said first child, should be foal or filly. The other was first person tour. They're not people, so neither would work.

There are a couple of other things that would round out her backstory a bit more, however these are advise, and not required:

• Her colors are almost blindingly bright. You may want to tone them down a bit.
• You mention that she's smart enough to play RPG's. It's a really odd thing to say without it being tied in with what she enjoys. I would consider either removing it, or adding RPGs to her list of likes beyond just "playing games with her friends". Also, I've seen plenty of idiots play RPG's. I think likening her intelligence to the understanding of a game devalues her quite a bit.

You're quite close, I promise. Minor tweaks and you should be golden.

While you have a good start here, but the information is very limited. Please read the rules for the section found here, and once the character has been updated she will be properly reviewed. http://mlpforums.com/topic/118570-equestrian-empire-rules-and-how-to-join/?p=2911836

I like your character. A lot. However, to fit within the rules of the section there will need to be some changes.

• Because we don't know how long ponies live, exact ages aren't allowed.
• Excuse my ignorance here, I know next to nothing about astronomy. Where did the constellations come from? Are they just random patterns? If they are, that's fine, but they can't be directly influenced by earth's constellations.
• Each unicorn is allowed 3 spells. It is assumed that each unicorn knows telekinesis to some extent. 
• If you keep the multiple magic beams, what do they do? What is their point?
• I'm concerned about the reason as to why he leaves his job, because it implies that the sky changed drastically when Luna stopped being Nightmare Moon. If that's the case, the fact is we don't know if that's the case or not. Clarification is needed there.

The personality section needs to be at least 2 paragraphs long. Also, this:

On the image your OC is wearing some more accessories. Is it normal for him? Or is this just situational? You might want to add this detail into the "appearance" section for clarification

There are still two references to his age in his backstory. Also, you removed the spells bit. Unicorns are required to have at least one spell, upwards of three. I actually rather liked the stun one that you removed.

Looking much better, you're quite close to approval.

Hi there,

You've got a solid character, but there are some kinks that need to be worked out.

We don't know how long ponies live, so exact ages aren't allowed.

The second paragraph in his personality section isn't about his personality, but what he's good at. Each character needs at least 2 paragraphs about their personality.

We don't know the size of any cities, but if they are anything like their real world counterparts, you've made Phillydelphia seem extremely small. You should consider either change the location of his backstory, or make it seem less like the entire city is involved in his decision to leave.

You detail his house, but where is it? Ponyville or Canterlot? This is never made clear.

Finally, quoting directly from the rules for the section:

Things which have only been seen once or twice in the show are considered rare, and thus should not be included in an application or a character’s backstory. These include, but are not limited to: Spells such as the ‘Wing Spell’, which we have only seen once and which appeared difficult for a Unicorn as skilled as Twilight Sparkle to cast.

As of now, only characters with the ability to fly are able to do RP's in Cloudsdale.

I understood it just fine. o.O

First approval.

In the Likes section, he wishes to be seen as stronger and knowledgeable. That should be in the personality part of the application.

This is still an issue. 

Also, you still have the parts about the CMC and Cheerilee. This is part of the big issue of having two character applications:

There are to be no prior interactions with cast characters in your OC’s backstory.

Being in a class with the CMC and Cheerilee will effect his adult self: He will have interactions with those characters. It will also put your adult character effectively in the future, where the CMC would be adults, too, which isn't a point we're at canonically.