Troblems

AmberDust, on 11 Dec 2014 - 12:35 PM, said:

 

so it's important that the mods like her, too. ^^"

That being said, the coloring of the text has implicating the colors of the ponies those elements are associated with has to go. I understand where you're coming from, but part of the rules for the section dictate that your character have no connection with the cast characters. With the coloration such that it is, you're likening your character to that of the Mane 6.

Also, the other section also applied to the character, and Pokemon doesn't exist in MLP. Removing all of the information in that part wouldn't harm the integrity of the character, and could potentially stop her from being approved. The likelihood of her going to Ponyville is quite high, since that is where a good majority of the RP's in EQE are centered.

Looks good. Only took a year, but onward!

This is much closer, but there are still a couple of issues:

• From the picture, it looks like his hair isn't terribly neat, which is something added to the appearance description.
• Personality is still rather limited. What are the triggers for his anger? What makes him click?
• In the Likes section, he wishes to be seen as stronger and knowledgeable. That should be in the personality part of the application.

While the Cheerilee and CMC bits say he hasn't met them yet remember that there are two applications for this character, one a foal and one an adult. Assuming he grow up into the other character, his adult self would know the CMC and Cheerilee, which wouldn't be allowed for the adult character.

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You have the here what could be a really interesting character, but a few changes need to be made.

Appearance: There is no reference to his mane or tail color or cut at all. 

Personality: Extremely short. Beef it up a bit, he needs more detail.

Likes: Again, way to short. You also have some personality aspects in this section.

Dislikes: Again, more info needed.

Moving on to the backstory:

Paragraph 1 - While the Mane 6 have admirable qualities, which are a great thing to strive for, keep in mind that Mirror cannot have a relationship with any cast characters. If he knows them by reputation only, that's fine, but make sure you make that clear in the backstory.

Paragraph 2 - Him being able to read braille assumes that ponies have the same tactile feeling in their hooves that humans do in their hands, and more specifically, their fingers. There are other ways he could learn how to fly. Maybe he evesdropped on some flying lessons, which is how he picked up the skill.

Paragraph 3 - Same as paragraph 1, having Cheerilee as a teacher and the CMC as classmates wouldn't  have been an issue if you didn't have an adult version of the same character. That being said, again, he can't have a relationship with characters in the show.

Other section: Russia doesn't exist in pony world, so neither would a Russian Blue. However, what you can do is take a name from a location from the show, or choose a different breed. 

You can find the rules for the section here. Once your foal character has been approved, your adult character will be reviewed.

Legit. On to second approval.

I suck at drawing as well, so I feel your pain. The description is enough. You still have exact ages within the backstory, noting things that happened at 12 and 14 years. Things like entering adolescence will describe a time well enough without needing to give a numeric timeline. 

• In the first sentance, you make reference to him being a child, which is a human reference. It should either be foal or colt.
• You still have references to his age within the backstory. As Skycoaster said above, references to age are fine, so long as it's an approximation.
• In the end of the second paragraph of his backstory, you say he wishes for a vacation and education. Did you mean vocation?
• In the third paragraph, the second sentence reads really wonky.
• While this isn't required, I'd love to see a picture of his cutie mark, if you happen to have one.

Rules for the section, because it doesn't seem like it was linked before.

Looks good, on to second approval.

This is leaps and bounds better. There are two rather minor things:

-We don't know how long ponies live, so the "A few years of going to the coast" line would have to be edited.

-The part about Ponyville is really ambiguous. It doesn't state if he moved there or if he's just visiting. Again, because of who he is, I don't see the point of him moving to Ponyville. I honestly think he would do better as a traveler, rather than having one specific place to live due to his adventurous spirit, as well as his passion for marine life.

I like his name much better now. I've edited an instance within the text that displayed his old name. Looks fine to me, let me go see if I can't find someone to give second approval.

There's a LOT going on in this character. You have a good foundation, but you may want to leave some parts out of it.

-Your character's color scheme is EXTREMELY bright. You may want to tone down the pink a bit, make it more muted, because as of now, he's a bit blinding.

-EQE characters need a 3 paragraph backstory, so that we can make sure they fit within canon.

-Why is a colt by himself in the forest? Fluttershy has been seen with animal friends from all over the world, so it's feasible that animals have been domesticated like they have in the real world. A colt on his own in a forest? Not so much.

-Your character jumps from being in the forest to saving a shark. There is no in between of the two incidents, and it reads really strangely.

-Being interested in lizards and marine life is a bit of a confusing mix. It's fine if he's got a lizard as a pet, but being fully knowledgeable in each is pushing it.

-Hoofington has been mentioned in MLP:FIM, however we don't know where it is. It would be more viable to choose a town that we know is along the coast. 

-If sea animals are his passion, why would he move that far inland?

-Vehicles with internal combustion engines haven't been seen in the show so far, so this wouldn't be a viable thing for your character to own. 

You've got a solid start, but he's currently all over the map. Given his cutie mark, I'd suggest you stick with the ocean theme. It makes the character really unique, since we've so far not seen a pony quite like it.

The formating is minor, and it won't stop you from being accepted. If it's really that bothersome to you, leave it as is. 

Couple more changes:

-His mom's name. Same thing as with the Fresh Prince reference. It's a pop culture of the real world, and therefore doesn't exist in Equestria. Something poker related would be pretty legit.

-This is a canon section, so everything has to be seen in the show, or it is reasonable that it might be seen in the show. That being said, what the heck is a night stone? If you're going for a dark stone, hematite might be your best bet. I do however really like that it's worn in memory of his mom.

-Filly refers to young female horses. Colt is male, foal is both. He basically says he's not a little girl anymore. >.>

You're super close to being approved, I promise.

This is a LOT better. You've got motives to why he does what he does. However, there are still a few issues:

-We don't have a solid grasp on how the economy works in Equestria. That being said, 2400 bits seems like an excessive amount of cash. Having a more generic statement rather than an exact amount would fit a lot better.

-The Fresh Prince reference has got to go.

-The formatting here is...not good. Why is every sentence on its own line? o.O

-What is he doing now? Where does he live? Presumably his career is as a gambler, so where does he find these games? Are they legit, or underground?

-This isn't required, but you may want to consider it: Give his parents names. They're major characters in his backstory, so this that over.

Finally, if you think 3 paragraphs is a lot, this section may not be for you. Right now an RP post has to be at least 300 characters. Once we migrate to the new site, it will go up to 600 characters per post. 

Hi there @[member=Shadowking58]
It looks like you have a really good foundation for this character, however the information you have on this character is extremely limited. All characters submitted to Equestrian Empire must have at least three descriptive paragraphs to make sure the character fits within the canon of MLP:FIM. You can find the rules for the section here.

One of the big things that you could improve upon is how he learned to play poker. Was it from books, or did someone teach him? Perhaps his mother taught him, since they didn't have a close relationship. Also, where were his parents when he saw them playing? Was it just the two of them, or were they at a party, and lots of ponies were play? Did he get cheated at some point that made him learn a huge lesson on how to play poker? Where is he from? 

You should tie together his like of the night and poker. The two seem like two completely independent parts of him. If you were able to intertwine the two, it would create a character that has a good flow.

The personality section doesn't give a lot of insight into who he is. He likes horror, but that would fit better into his likes, not who he is. Is he high strung? Easy going? Quick to anger? You hint at a few things regarding his personality, but expand on that more.

Headaches can be annoying, but there should be things that relate to his specific likes. If he gambles, he could dislike cheaters. Maybe daytime is the bane of his existance.

Basically, we want to see more of this character.

Finally, while I appreciate the Fresh Prince reference, it doesn't fit here. The Fresh Prince doesn't exist in Equestria.

Before I even read this, I have to say: OMG HE'S SO CUTE

So I didn't see the original character post, because Kay is quick and awesome. While this character is quite close, he still needs some adjustments.

-In the personality section, you said he's an energetic person.

-Considering how closely watched and maintained the weather in Equestria, it seems extremely unlikely that his parents would die in a storm. Add to that a storm almost kills him a second time. I agree with what Kay said above, there really is no reason for him to be orphaned. You could remove that entirely, and it wouldn't alter his backstory too much. Either way, the weather related disasters have to go.

-You still have very still have rather specific ages, particularly about his teenage years. We don't know if ponies even have teenage years.

-This is a suggestion, as Kay's was above: there seems to be a huge lapse in time between when he loses his parents, and talking to the headmaster. But headmaster of what? Who takes him in? Considering what role his parents would have played in his life, it seems a gaping hole in his backstory, not showing how if effected that character.

Overall you're quite close with this character. A few more tweaks and you'll be good to go.

The Blues Brothers don't exist in Equestria. Considering the picture, I don't think that particular part is prudent to note. If you remove that, I think it'd be fine.

Re-approving after some changes were made. 

Hi there,

So as for the picture, it is a rule for the section, which has been in place since the end of February. A pony creator image is fine, so long as it is close to how you see your pony in your head.

As for how dark this character backstory is, I will quote directly from the rules for this section:

-Dark themes are okay, so long as you don't go overboard. Was your character abandoned as a filly? That's okay. Has he got a medical condition that keeps him from functioning in society, so now he's basically a shut-in, though he's working on it? Fine. Your character had the snot beat out of it for whatever reason? That's where the line is drawn. No crippling abuse, please.

Seeing how your character ended up in the hospital for a month after being attacked by his mother, that would certainly fall within the realm of crippling abuse.

I would recommend you read the rules for EQE. As we're trying to keep the section as close to canon as possible, that would be your best guide as to how to have a character accepted into this section.

Looks good, approved.

Moving for update by creator

Moved for updating purposes

Looks good here too, approved.

Looks fine to me, approved.

You have a good start here, but all Equestrian Empire Characters are required to have at least three paragraphs worth of backstory.

In addition to that, Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns is considered canonically rare, and therefore disallowed for OCs.

Finally, we don't know what technology ponies have for crafting metals. That being said I would be much more comfortable if it weren't state what metal her sword were made out of.