Remmie Moore

I agree with Digit, an actual different take on it would require more detail, such as character names. For example if I were to rewrite it I would probably go for a more flowery lovecraftian style, which would require a lot more information on the description of items, locations, characters etc. For a new take we would need to give different information, meaning we would need to make up details that might clash with the rest of the scene.

After reading it, here is my analysis: In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, impacting the girl far too many uses of common nouns in my opinion, using 'the' so many times to describe characters makes it sound clumsy and and awkward when read aloud, it also sounds a bit repetitive and vague. I recommend swapping in some pronouns or proper nouns, the vase using the vase twice so close sounds repetitive, I'd switch it out for a more descriptive term such as pot, receptacle, or even 'thrown object' shattered with it's pieces viciously carving out both her eyes I'm not sure whether this is explained further in a previous section but I can't really visualize how a shattering vase could 'carve out' both of someone's eyes, just from being thrown. Some clearer description of what actually takes place may be a good idea, or different wording.. Stunned, the young filly collapsed. With the thief now long gone,this comma need not be here, it breaks the flow the girl awakened, blood still tearing from her eyes,this should be a full stop (or a period, if you're American). Alternatively, for a different sentence flow, keep this as a comma and have a full stop after 'the girl awakened' she crawled to her mothers body, and she sat there with her for the rest of the night. Though I recommend leaving this word out to preserve flow as she wept, in the corner of her eye she felt a familiar glint of light, beckoning her. This feels like a very abrupt stop and feels to me to be slightly jarring. I recommend changing it to 'beckoning to her', or alternatively adding a second part, such as 'beckoning her, calling out to her'. This, of course, would depend on what fits your narrative as that won't work for everything. END All in all I thought it was pretty good, the only bit that jumps out at me as being noticeably awkward without analysing it is the overuse of common nouns and 'the' at the beginning. hope this helps!

tried sending a PM and for some bizarre reason it failed, oh well. you can grab me on skype at joshua.merrick (not exactly confidential as its plastered all over the internet by now) sounds like fun! I've wanted to do some videos for a while but I tend to sound too dry when I have nobody to bounce off. I've got quite a bit of video and sound engineering experience as well as art and musical composition, so if anyone in the group wants help with any of the technical jiggery pokery I'd be happy to lend a hoof. looking forward to chatting, Remmie