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Midnight Solace

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  1. Midnight Solace

    I’m so sorry…

    After seeing how much you were worried about me, I felt awful. Even though I missed all of you, I never expected anypony to care that I was gone. It… Really makes me feel sad… And emotionally overwhelmed to see how much you cared… All of you are my friends, but I just feel like I don’t deserve any kind of affection. It hurts to see how kind you were to me despite how much of a worthless, sickening, disappointment I am.

    This really is all my fault… If I wasn’t so weak and expressed my feelings on here, If I wasn’t so selfish and made that stupid mistake, then you wouldn’t have been worried about me at all. You wouldn’t have to waste your time and caring on me. You probably would have never even thought of me. And things might have been better that way…

    I’m sorry… I don’t want to be like this. I shouldn’t burden others with my own problems. I’ve been told so many times how I’m attention-seeking and self-indulgent, how much of a burden I am to everyone I meet… And that’s all I really am… And why I think I should start keeping things to myself again. I don’t want to be hurt anymore, but most importantly, I don’t want to make others hurt because of me… Nopony will have to worry about hearing about my pain ever again. And eventually, hopefully soon, nopony will have to worry about me at all.

    I still remember how I really wanted nothing more than to see all of you again, but now, I just feel like I never belonged here… Coming back was already painfully hard as it is, but I never expected to feel so bad… Just writing this brings back so many memories, and it’s all getting increasingly overwhelming. I’m really worried that I’ve lost all my friends since it’s been so long, and I’m scared of what they might think of me now…

    I didn’t want to appear vulnerable like this, but I wanted to let those who care at all know that I’m sorry… Even if they don’t anymore. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me, because I know I never will. The truth is, I’m not really needed here anymore, I’m just a waste of space… Even my own friends don’t need me…

    … I think I need to rest now. All this increased medication is making me feel dizzy and sleepy. And I’m just tired… Tired of everything.

    I love you all very much and please don’t hate me for the burden I have been to you. But most importantly, don’t hate yourself. This is not your fault.

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. RaraLover

      RaraLover

      Hello again, my friend! :fluttershy:

      It's amazing to see you again. I'm glad to hear that you're doing okay. Shake the haters off, you've got tons of friends here who misses you. Don't ever think of yourself as a "waste of space". You're a valued member on MLPF, but not only that, a great friend to many of us.

      Just remember that you've got friends here willing to support you, whenever you feel like you need help. :twi:

    3. Phosphor

      Phosphor

      Hate ya? No way! We love ya! And miss seeing you around here  :squee:

      You're a dear friend and hope to chat with ya again. Hope you enjoy your birthday with Twily and I look forward to seeing ya around here :grin: 

    4. The Kaeya Simp

      The Kaeya Simp

      I'm just so glad you're still here!
      I genuinely started thinking that you'd killed your self,
      I got really depressed and got more depressed because I kept thinking you were dead.

      Enjoy your birthday, and stay in touch please, you're a great person

  2. Midnight Solace
    I get easily overwhelmed from even the slightest of pokes when I'm not expecting it. I'm not sure why, but I think it may remind me of traumatizing experiences in the past, and for that reason, I would feel like I'm in danger or something. Or it just may be my paranoia of everything, I don't really know. It's kinda hard to understand myself.
  3. Midnight Solace

    private Shipwreck

    Midnight Solace replied to Luna's Admirer's topic in 1x1 RP

    Trotting along the port of Baltimare, Midnight Solace had finally arrived. It was larger than he had imagined, as the cruise ship cast a huge shadow across the docks. He couldn't wait to check out what the view was like from the weather deck. Checking that he hadn't lost anything in his saddlebag for the 4th time, Midnight slowly approached towards the ship. The docks were very busy at this part of the port, so Midnight started to take caution of his surroundings. He was afraid of bumping into somepony, causing embarrassment for him --and at the same time, was too anxious to look where he was going, fearing that he would make eye contact with another pony. The unexpected and loud splash of water startled Midnight. He turned around in the direction of the splash and looked up to see what had happened.
  4. Midnight Solace
    Honestly, not many things make me feel content. I really feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I mean, I used to like creating pony artwork. It distracted me from the overwhelming, painful thoughts of the past and present. But I don't find interest in drawing anymore as my emotional state has worsened immensely, and I truly feel like I'm slowly falling apart. The things I like to do doesn't matter to me these days. It's nothing but a mere memory.
  5. Midnight Solace
    Well, I guess Twilight would definitely have to be my most loved mare in my entire life. She's the first and last thought on my mind everyday, and she comes across as really understanding and kind. Trust is something I'm really careful about, but Twily just makes things so easy, and I always feel safe and comfortable with her. I would never forget all the things that she's done to make me feel better, and honestly, I don't think I would still be here if it wasn't for her. Most people would consider her fictional, but she's real as I am. <3 Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, everypony!
  6. Midnight Solace
    I remember that sometimes Twily eats the flowers. *Hungry horse noises*
  7. Midnight Solace
    I have had many experiences with them, and I guess It's really common for me to have panic attacks. I mean, I had one before the start of school. I normally have them when I get reminded of traumatizing events in my life, being in a social situation, or when things go wrong. Other things can also make me have panic attacks, but those are just the top 3. I would start to feel like I have a loss of all control, difficulty breathing, dizziness and light-headedness, feeling like the world around me is not real, and a sense of overwhelming panic and intense fear. Sometimes I might slip into paranoia, which inevitably led to full on delusions and the occasional auditory hallucinations. I always try to clear my mind of the near cyclic thoughts while having an episode, but it really is no use when I realize that no one would be there for me. I always feel so lonely when I go through sorrowful times like these.
  8. Midnight Solace


    I guess my topic in Life Advice got removed because maybe it was too depressing for some. Honestly, I think this just comes to show how awfully heartbreaking my life is, as knowing how I truly feel can be way too much for others.

    The thing is, I haven't even shared half of my thoughts in that thread. It really hurts to know that even by expressing my feelings just a bit, could make others sad. I never wanted that. I’m just in such an anxious emotional state. 

    I guess this is why I didn't make a Life Advice topic in the first place. I never wanted to be a burden to others.
    It really shows how hopeless, lost and alone I am. I'm just too complicated for anyone to like or help.
    I really feel like I don't belong in the MLPF community anymore. I have never felt that I belong anywhere, really.
     

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Twilight Luna

      Twilight Luna

      Of course you belong here. :squee: Friends support each other, no matter how low they feel. 

    3. Kyoshi Frost Wolf

      Kyoshi Frost Wolf

      If it was removed, then that is incredibly stupid. That is the whole damn point of that section.

    4. Phosphor

      Phosphor

      Oh no. My friend is not doing so well  :(

      *squeezes @Midnight Solace

       

      Pinkie Pie hug 6.jpg

  9. Midnight Solace
    I'd normally read the first post in a thread, and maybe some others. I like to be observant over posts and be really careful in what I say, because I'm worried that I might hurt other ponies' feelings by saying the wrong things sometimes.
  10. Midnight Solace
    I think it was somewhere around late 2010 or early 2011 when I was first introduced to it. I can't really remember.
  11. Midnight Solace
    Well, it's great to know I'm not the only one. Many times I would have woken up crying at night because of my bad and deeply sorrowful dreams. I have had a lot of traumatizing experiences in the past, and it has really affected me emotionally so much to the point which I mostly dream about it every night. I always find it extremely hard to sleep when this happens, and even though I take lots of medications to help me stop thinking about the bad things, I just can't forget some things, and it still haunts me to this day.
  12. Midnight Solace
    I rarely change my profile pic. Only about 2 times, I think. As for my username, I wouldn't change it at all. I have always put a lot of thought when choosing my usernames, and I guess I chose my OC's for MLPF.
  13. Midnight Solace
    I actually don't really like eating at all, but I don't even know why. I don't even eat that much as I don't actually feel hungry anymore.
  14. Midnight Solace
    For my whole life, I have always felt that I've been doing something wrong. I still worry over every action I do or word I say, as I'm always unsure about myself. I'm always anxious that I might have said the wrong thing to others, and could have offended them. I just don't want to be a bother to anyone, that's all. But everything I seem to do is a mistake, and I end up being ashamed and filled with self-hatred for what I've done for the rest of my life. I really don't forget things so easily. All these mistakes that I make all the time, would build my feelings of emotional trauma over the years of my life, to the point where I just can't keep doing this anymore.
  15. Midnight Solace
    Honestly, I don't know anymore. Nothing seems enjoyable in life for me, and I have lost interest in all the things I used to like. I always ask myself why am I still living. I really just don't understand myself, and can't think clearly any longer when I'm still under severe emotional trauma.
  16. Midnight Solace
    Well, I have to take 5 different medications everyday just to help me sleep. I also have a Twily plushie that I really love, and she's pretty comforting for me. She normally falls asleep with me every night. I don't know how I could go to bed without her.
  17. Midnight Solace
    For Twilight, I'm pretty sure she'd listen to classical music. Not sure why, but I always got that kind of vibe from her.
  18. Midnight Solace
    Personally, I believe the fandom is dying because of the ending of FiM. I mean, FiM is truly why this website- or the Brony fandom even exists. It was such a success when the show first aired, and it would always remain in a special place in my heart. As the show progressed, I think some ponies got bored of watching the show. The writers are starting to run out of ideas, and It had a huge change in the last few seasons, with showcasing new characters and stuff. It would be a bit confusing to those who choose to watch FiM again. MLP won't be the same after this change, but you know, gotta sell those toys.
  19. Midnight Solace
    Well... FiM literally saved my life. If it wasn't for MLP, I don't think I would still be here. It gave me something to live for, and something to enjoy in my hopeless life. The main lesson that it conveys has helped me to be more understanding towards others, as I may not know what they're going through. So I guess I'm always careful in what I say, and try not to offend other ponies.
  20. Midnight Solace
    Well... Normally for me, it's the little things that make me feel content. Like seeing my Twily plushie on my bed, finishing my one of my artworks or hearing kind words from others on the forums. But these days, it's harder for me to feel good about myself. I'm always overwhelmed by the emotional and heartbreaking thoughts that cloud my mind. It's harder for me to think clearly, or enjoy anything I used to like. Therefore, I feel awfully hopeless almost everyday. Thinking about happier moments now, makes me feel extremely sad and alone. It just reminds me of lost I am now compared to then.
  21. Midnight Solace
    Mine sounds somewhat quiet, kinda like Fluttershy's but in a lower tone. This may or may not be true, though, as I don't really speak that much, so sometimes I can't even remember how my own voice sounds like.
  22. Midnight Solace
    I'm pretty sure posting in old threads are allowed. That being said, I'm probably MLPF's thread reviver.
  23. Midnight Solace
    Life can be meaningless for some ponies because they may not have anything to live for, or anything to enjoy in life. They may have failed at many things in the past, and so they might think they are useless and would have nothing to feel good about. They may not be likeable by others, and therefore they would not have that much support and would feel alone when going through life. Based on my own experiences, life is painful. And with not having any purpose in life, it can be incredibly depressing for many.
  24. Midnight Solace
    I'm the only brony at my school. I feel like there aren't many bronies around Australia, and that's why I would always get picked on for being different...
  25. Midnight Solace
    It'll be great to see another MLP movie. It just better have a proper fight scene.
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