Limbo Dreams

Hiya, Loud!

So the skeleton here looks like an idea in the making, and you certainly seem to have at least a basic idea in mind.

Tell you what - when you have something more in mind, feel free to let us know, and we'll be more than happy to help you flesh this base template out into a full-fledged character!

You still want to make this OC?  

Looking right now...

Okay, done with looking over the first draft... and I have to say, this is an intriguing idea; a character who is relatively fresh to the world, and ready to experience it with newly-opened eyes.  I'd be more than happy to help you develop this cutie!

Now, I'll take it a portion at a time - feel free to speak your mind on my thoughts, but do keep in mind that the EqE does have a set of rules that we have to abide by.  It makes it important to stay within the guidelines... but that doesn't mean we can't get creative with things.  

 

Tall and pudgy. This mare, having spent most of her life sleeping, grew remarkably tall, but her sedentary lifestyle has eaten away at her muscle mass, leaving behind mostly fat as she rarely burned off the calories she took in.

The explanation of her figure here is something you should save for the background; you want to describe her as if you're JUST looking at her - the 'why' makes it feel as though you're cramming too much info into a sentence.  You've got the whole sheet for that, so it could be amended to:

Tall, yet pudgy - her muscle mass is soft, even though she has a lanky frame with long legs; she seems severely out of shape.

That conveys that she hasn't done much activity, yet doesn't directly SAY it - a good character/literary trick.

 

Her eyes are never more than three-quarters open when awake and constantly unfocused, making her seem like she's looking just slightly past ponies when she talks with them. Her hair is in almost always suffering from a terrible case of bed head for obvious reasons. Aside from those subtle differences, Limbo has two identical horns that curl in on themselves after protruding directly away from her head some way.

Hmmmmmmmmmm...

I'm not certain if having non-canon horns is allowed... but I can ask the higher-ups, and someone'll make a decision - if not, we'll work with what you have down.

 

An egg half cracked around the center indicating how much of her potential has yet to be realized. It also resembles the stunted nature of her childhood like a bird that couldn't escape its egg.

A cutie mark is supposed to represent something significant about the character's future... not hold a symbol of their past, like you have.  The mark only shows up when that potential is RECOGNIZED... and as she hasn't done such, a mark would still be absent from her flank.  Normally, in the EqE, a filly or colt doesn't leave childhood without a cutie mark - and it's common show knowledge that those marks are a sign of passing through to adulthood.

Maybe... she's still a filly?  If so, you could work on her story of discovering who she can now be... thereby, earning a cutie mark in the process.  This is one of the draws of playing a young pony, as there's so much potential for what's to come.  Could you imagine Limbo meeting the CMC?  THAT could be a potentially grand story to write!

Still, I would heavily suggest against the current cutie mark - but I want to hear your thoughts first before I go further.

 

Tired. Due to how little time she has spent awake, Limbo doesn't really have much of a personality. 

That sounds like a flat character, and Limbo isn't flat - merely inexperienced, and that should read in her description here.  Try this:

Always sleepy, Limbo hasn't had much chance to develop who she is... therefore, she comes across as a bit scatterbrained, sometimes lost.

The above conveys that she doesn't have much to work with, but focuses more on her potential than her absence of traits.

 

Regardless, a few traits have surfaced. Namely humility and insecurity. She has spent a very unusual amount of time inside of her own head. This makes for a tightly sealed echo chamber. Without contact with other ponies, Limbo has no actual confirmation or reassurance of her worth as a pony. One can only reassure oneself for so long before it loses its meaning. 

But without contact from other ponies... she would have developed without the need for social interaction; she would have possibly been comfortable with her own surroundings, as she was supposedly imprisoned so young, that she may not have even been able to communicate.  Because of that, she wouldn't have cared that she didn't know anyone else - she'd have learned to be happy on her own, or at least not been so desperate for companionship.

Friendship might even be an alien, though much-wanted, concept that she still doesn't understand.  It could be an interesting roleplay or two, getting her used to the idea of being around others to begin with, or even just learning how to manage an everyday 'waking' life.

Because she would be the only one present for herself, she might be a bit strange... but her reassurances wouldn't lose meaning, because they'd be all she EVER knew - why want more when you're unaware that more is out there... or if you're comfortable enough where you are.

 

However, the flipside of this is that in your dreams you have little to no agency (provided it isn't lucid) and the world has no consistency to latch on to. Without agency or predictability, you learn to live without such things and so Limbo sees them as unnecessary. This gives her a likeable demeanor that's easy to get along with, but this also robs her of drive and makes her ability to led and make decisions fall far below that of the average pony.

This helps me clarify what I see a bit more - if I might suggest an edit?

Having spent so long out-of-the-loop, Limbo has a personality that is easy to get along with, but may come across as unfocused or indecisive, as she has problems making solid decisions or goals.

 

Likes & Dislikes: All I ask is for reasons in the background for everything listed in these two columns - if you can manage that, then this should be fine.

 

Limbo Dreams was born in The Crystal Empire where she lived out her adolescence. Unfortunately, Limbo never got to live through a normal adolescence. She was the first to be born just after Sombra rose to power and so Sombra, in all his cruelty cursed her with horns that would magically force her to sleep throughout her entire life. For years, Limbo's parents cared for her until eventually, King Sombra was banished and his control over his curses went with him, but his Sombra's banishment, The Crystal Empire had gone into a magic-induced stasis. During The Crystal Empire's stasis, Limbo Dream's horns began to assimilate with the rest of her body, no longer bound by Sombra's will.

She still dreamed throughout the stasis and with the help of her horns, she could connect with other dreams. Never able to interact, just a silent observer of another ponies mind, she began to pick up on other ponies lives. Progress was slow though. Patterns were difficult to pick up on and language proved to be very difficult to grasp. Stasis made time flow very slowly, so she could only process a few hours of dreaming per day. The fact that she wasn't lucid in her dreams made garnering meaning from the dreams around her even slower. It took hundreds of years to even learn that she was entering other ponies dreams, and the prime learning age for such things had already passed. It took at least another hundred years to learn language, but eventually, with Sombra's defeat, Limbo woke up for the first time in her life.

Okay... unfortunately, the rules state that an OC can NOT have ANY direct connections to a canon character in their background; no knowing Dashie from Wonderbolts training, no having a casual love affair with Luna as a young stallion, and no direct curse from Sombra himself...

... but there still might be a way to pull this off.  What if it was something else that cursed her, something Sombra may have had a hoof in creating?  Then, if she tampered with it, it might have cursed her as a magical defense.  Or, maybe there was a unicorn working under Sombra who had been ordered to place curses on an entire section of town... and her home was in that area?

Regardless, the connection to Sombra can't stay - my sincerest apologies.

 

 

Limbo's horns are magically tied to dreams. When she cups her ears over them, she can hear the dreams of the nearest sleeping thing.

This... is an interesting power to have.  I like the feel of it, and it doesn't appear to be too OP; let me ask about it, and I'll give you a response to this, along with the above question about the horns.

 

OCC: I feel as though absolute dislikes are rare, so I have decided to state what she is not very tolerant of here.

Dislikes: Nightmares

Little-to-no tolerance: Loud noises, rudeness (social edict has persistence for a reason, and mares like her are that reason)

Visibly discomforting: Bright light

Tolerable but distasteful: Noisy ponies, the sun

 

Dislikes aren't exclusively things a character HATES WITH AN UNDYING PASSION... they're just things they don't like, such as what you have listed here.  I don't think there's any need to break it down into sub-categories, because they are all technically things she doesn't like.  

 

 

If I may..? 

It seems as though there's a lot of this character that is derogatory to itself... which makes for little interest from others, who don't really want to play with a sad-sack, so to speak; the trick is to have a character that shows potential and possibilities instead - make them look interesting to those looking to run an interesting RP.

It doesn't mean you have to play a character that is 'shiny, happy and/or fluffy'... but it does mean you should have a more positive feel to the character (unless she's a villain, and I don't see that at all from her), and invite interest rather than sympathy.

Mind you, this is simply my opinion - I'm not the be-all, end-all; take my advice as you will, but understand that I do this purely out of love for OCs themselves, so I'm not getting paid for this - it comes from the heart.

*rolls eyes* I'm getting sappy - sorry about that.  *ahem*

But yeah - cut Limbo a bit more of a break; she seems like she's had it hard.

 

Okay, now comes the part where you let me know what you want to do, and we continue on from there!

Hey @Randimaxis,

Thanks for the extensive review of my OC. The fact that this much work has gone into helping me refine my content is very reassuring. With that being said, I can't help but notice the level of tact being put into this reply. You've proven that you mean well, so don't be afraid of being too blunt going forward, this is all in good fun.

(As a side note, I was about to post this message, but just as I made a single word italicized, the entire thing was deleted up to this point and the undo function didn't seem to fix it. So many words and thoughts unrecoverable... )

 

6 hours ago, Randimaxis said:

Tired. Due to how little time she has spent awake, Limbo doesn't really have much of a personality. 

That sounds like a flat character, and Limbo isn't flat - merely inexperienced, and that should read in her description here.  Try this:

Always sleepy, Limbo hasn't had much chance to develop who she is... therefore, she comes across as a bit scatterbrained, sometimes lost.

The above conveys that she doesn't have much to work with, but focuses more on her potential than her absence of traits.

 

This absolutely needed to be changed. When editing this with immensely helpful in making an OC that I can have a better time playing.

 

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Regardless, a few traits have surfaced. Namely humility and insecurity. She has spent a very unusual amount of time inside of her own head. This makes for a tightly sealed echo chamber. Without contact with other ponies, Limbo has no actual confirmation or reassurance of her worth as a pony. One can only reassure oneself for so long before it loses its meaning. 

But without contact from other ponies... she would have developed without the need for social interaction; she would have possibly been comfortable with her own surroundings, as she was supposedly imprisoned so young, that she may not have even been able to communicate.  Because of that, she wouldn't have cared that she didn't know anyone else - she'd have learned to be happy on her own, or at least not been so desperate for companionship.

Friendship might even be an alien, though much-wanted, concept that she still doesn't understand.  It could be an interesting roleplay or two, getting her used to the idea of being around others to begin with, or even just learning how to manage an everyday 'waking' life.

Because she would be the only one present for herself, she might be a bit strange... but her reassurances wouldn't lose meaning, because they'd be all she EVER knew - why want more when you're unaware that more is out there... or if you're comfortable enough where you are.

This seems like it hinges on an assumption and a misconception. We seem to be operating under the assumption that Limbo's need for companionship would have to be learned rather than an inherent need. This seems a little far-fetched given that herbivores such as her self would operate under heard mentality, which is even more socially dependent than our tribe mentality. Even with this given, I would still have to posit that fact that Limbo has seen friendship. She has spent a large amount of time seeing how other dreamers act in their dreams so she would have some idea what friendship is even if she's never experienced it. This is something I've put more emphasis on in my revisions.

 

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Okay... unfortunately, the rules state that an OC can NOT have ANY direct connections to a canon character in their background; no knowing Dashie from Wonderbolts training, no having a casual love affair with Luna as a young stallion, and no direct curse from Sombra himself...

... but there still might be a way to pull this off.  What if it was something else that cursed her, something Sombra may have had a hoof in creating?  Then, if she tampered with it, it might have cursed her as a magical defense.  Or, maybe there was a unicorn working under Sombra who had been ordered to place curses on an entire section of town... and her home was in that area?

No need to be sorry. Rules are rules for a reason. I misremembered it as having no direct relations with canon characters, meaning family or personal ties. Hopefully, I've fixed it now.

 

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OCC: I feel as though absolute dislikes are rare, so I have decided to state what she is not very tolerant of here.

Dislikes: Nightmares

Little-to-no tolerance: Loud noises, rudeness (social edict has persistence for a reason, and mares like her are that reason)

Visibly discomforting: Bright light

Tolerable but distasteful: Noisy ponies, the sun

 

Dislikes aren't exclusively things a character HATES WITH AN UNDYING PASSION... they're just things they don't like, such as what you have listed here.  I don't think there's any need to break it down into sub-categories, because they are all technically things she doesn't like.  

I half expected this kind of response. The truth is that I don't really think that my character description would be a little jarring without the subcategories. Having the sun being a dislike on par with nightmares, I think, doesn't sound very believable. In fact, it sounds a lot like 'LOL SO RANDOM XD!' to me.

Also, the dislike feature doesn't seem to work (The dislikes you see is one I put in manually in the other category), so I guess I'm killing two birds with one stone.

 

7 hours ago, Randimaxis said:

It seems as though there's a lot of this character that is derogatory to itself... which makes for little interest from others, who don't really want to play with a sad-sack, so to speak; the trick is to have a character that shows potential and possibilities instead - make them look interesting to those looking to run an interesting RP.

This seems to stem from me overcorrecting for Marry Sue Syndrome. I think the problem here is, if I may defend the sad sacks among us, that to combat the problem of Marry Sueism, we have to add flaws or underdevelopment to our characters. Something to work on, if you will, but at the same time those flaws don't come out of the either. However, mistakes on the characters side make then seem 2 edgy 4 me as people around them suffer because of their mistakes (an action needs consequence and flaws don't last too long when those consequences are direct). So, in order to stay coherent, our characters need to go through things they aren't prepared for or some kind of tragedy to justify their shortcomings and why they have persisted for so long. Now that I've said that I have just openly challenged myself to give this character a well written, self-inflicted flaw.

 

7 hours ago, Randimaxis said:

It doesn't mean you have to play a character that is 'shiny, happy and/or fluffy'... but it does mean you should have a more positive feel to the character (unless she's a villain, and I don't see that at all from her), and invite interest rather than sympathy.

It's actually very interesting that you bring up villainous OC's. It makes me wonder how common it is for an OC to be written as a dedicated antagonist. I'd love to know how often you come across it or how much villainy this template allows for. Furthermore, I don't see what about my OC excludes my original draft from being a villain. With a little bitterness, she could easily grow to resent friendship as she has so cruelly been taunted with it and take revenge on the world, but I guess that's easy for the writer to say.

Anyway, thanks again for the input and I look forward to any further input on Limbo.

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

Thanks for the extensive review of my OC. The fact that this much work has gone into helping me refine my content is very reassuring.

On the contrary - my apologies to you; it should have been like this from day one, and I fell behind.  A mistake I'm correcting now, as you no doubt see.  

But my humble thanks for your kind words.  *bows*

 

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

With that being said, I can't help but notice the level of tact being put into this reply. You've proven that you mean well, so don't be afraid of being too blunt going forward, this is all in good fun.

*chuckle*  I have a tendency to try to be tactful in normal conversations; I have been known to say the wrong thing once in a while, so I try to maintain communication by being as transparent, yet un-condescending, as possible.  I assure you, I'm not handling you with kid gloves, so to speak - this is just how I post.

 

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

This seems like it hinges on an assumption and a misconception. We seem to be operating under the assumption that Limbo's need for companionship would have to be learned rather than an inherent need. This seems a little far-fetched given that herbivores such as her self would operate under heard mentality, which is even more socially dependent than our tribe mentality. Even with this given, I would still have to posit that fact that Limbo has seen friendship. She has spent a large amount of time seeing how other dreamers act in their dreams so she would have some idea what friendship is even if she's never experienced it.

In retrospect, you are absolutely correct; I never considered the genetic herd angle, nor did I take into account her potential for witnessing other friendships in dreams.  Perhaps what I wanted to convey was more of a 'disattatched' feel than a 'morose' one... she might feel totally alienated, which might lead more towards confusion than sadness.  Don't get me wrong - the sorrow is there, but the feeling of just being lost in such a different world than the one she once knew... not to mention the idea of things in the waking world being consistent and 'real', as opposed to the dream world where things can poof at the slightest provocation... or none at all.

I guess I'm trying to put a brighter spin on her - but don't let my suggestions change your vision.

 

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

I half expected this kind of response. The truth is that I don't really think that my character description would be a little jarring without the subcategories. Having the sun being a dislike on par with nightmares, I think, doesn't sound very believable. In fact, it sounds a lot like 'LOL SO RANDOM XD!' to me.

Then perhaps further clarification could be made.  Hmmmmmmmm...

For the example of her aversion to sunlight, maybe it could be put as "bright sunlight", as it would convey a dislike of the brightness, but not the actual sun itself.  Anyone who reads the character will see that she sleeps a lot, and make the connection... and if not, it's something you could bring up during roleplay.  Remember, you don't have to give away EVERYTHING... save some stuff for others to discover through interaction.

 

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

Also, the dislike feature doesn't seem to work

Yeah - we've been having issues with character sheets ever since the switch-over... but I've been told it's currently being looked over.  *shrugs*  When it's fixed, I'll have a LOT of characters to go over...

 

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

This seems to stem from me overcorrecting for Marry Sue Syndrome.

*grinds teeth*  ... continue...

 

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

I think the problem here is, if I may defend the sad sacks among us, that to combat the problem of Marry Sueism, we have to add flaws or underdevelopment to our characters. Something to work on, if you will, but at the same time those flaws don't come out of the either. However, mistakes on the characters side make then seem 2 edgy 4 me as people around them suffer because of their mistakes (an action needs consequence and flaws don't last too long when those consequences are direct). So, in order to stay coherent, our characters need to go through things they aren't prepared for or some kind of tragedy to justify their shortcomings and why they have persisted for so long. Now that I've said that I have just openly challenged myself to give this character a well written, self-inflicted flaw.

I... have a long, BAD history of dealing harshly with Mary Sues, so allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your efforts to overcome that syndrome.  It often takes both courage AND maturity to realize a Mary Sue, and as someone who has had to stomp alicorns into paste with words, I am extremely pleased that you're making such strides to avoid repeating this mistake.

Now, this being said, there are a number of ways to keep a character able, yet flawed and still have a grand time.  Also, it's not always some big event that characters have to endure... think of Pipsqueak - obviously, he's the runt of the proverbial litter... but his enthusiasm and high energy tend to make up for his other physical shortcomings.  He may not always succeed, but he has his own bunch of merits to him, and he works well within a group (say, I dunno, working with the CMC to get elected Class President?) - he's no Mary Sue, but he's still a nifty little character.

Part of the idea of disenfranchising yourself from McMarySue is trying NOT to make a lead character... but to make a character that could stand on their own in a story BY THEMSELVES.  There are a few stories out there that could help with the concept, as the idea is to make a character who culd have nohing but mental conversations with themselves, and still make it into a good story.  Plus, the concept of the single-character story can do wonders for helping one figure out who a character really is, and what their motivations and aspirations truly are.  Give it some thought.

 

15 hours ago, Loud Opinion said:

It's actually very interesting that you bring up villainous OC's. It makes me wonder how common it is for an OC to be written as a dedicated antagonist. I'd love to know how often you come across it or how much villainy this template allows for.

Actually, as far as the EqE goes, villains aren't normally allowed... but I broke that barrier a while back, by proving I was capable enough to play Discord himself.  Unfortunately, the EqE requires a good bit of work to simply admit normal OCs; we're still pondering whether or not to allow villains, especially canon villains like Chrysalis and Sombra, to be taken on by players.

For what it's worth, I'm pushing for their release.

 

Limbo's red eyes are always lidded to some extent when awake and unfocused, giving off an air of apathy. Usually, this air is dissipated by her readily available smile replacing the pretense with a gentle sign of peace. She is tall and pudgy with a thick, inviting, snow white coat. Her grayish black mane is in almost always suffering from a terrible case of bed head for obvious reasons. Aside from those subtle differences, Limbo has two identical horns that curl in on themselves after protruding directly away from her head some way. She walks and moves swiftly, as if she has no weight, and handles her surroundings roughly with no concern for damage or wear. Generally, she would remind one of a gymnast or a wood dwelling hippy.

I am very pleased with this; excellent edit!

 

A closed eye. She is destined to see the potential in others; the potential lock in their dreams.

I like this... but it needs more.

One of the things I've always suggested to folks is when it comes to making a cutie mark, try to make the symbol hold TWO meanings.  Try to make it something that references more than a single aspect.  For example, Twilight Sparkle's doesn't just reference her magical capabilities, but it also alludes to how she 'shines' in tough situations.  Plus, it also calls back to her name, as it looks like a sparkle itself.

You don't have to change it again... but maybe find a second reason for it.  Maybe... hmmmmmmmm... maybe it also represents how she's had her eyes closed for so long, or how she's blind to her own destiny, or even that she can't see her own potential at all.  Two reasons for a cutie mark makes it more personalized than a simple logo can accomplish.

 

Due to how inconsistent her life has been, Limbo is not a heavy thinker. It's hard to tell what motivates Limbo because it seems to be whatever looks pleasant to her at the moment. She is very much naive.

No issues here.

 

If something looks or sounds bad, it must be bad. This would have led to fanaticism except for how easily her mind is changed.

This might read better if you try:

She sees things as black and white, right or wrong... yet she doesn't quite reach the point of extremism, as she has difficulty sticking to a thought; she is easily led astray.

 

Regardless, a few consistent traits have surfaced. Namely humility and insecurity. She has spent a very unusual amount of time inside of her own head. This makes for a tightly sealed echo chamber. Without reciprocal contact with other ponies, Limbo has no actual confirmation or reassurance of her worth as a pony. One can only reassure oneself for so long before it loses its meaning. However, the flipside of this is that in your dreams you have little to no agency (provided it isn't lucid) and the world has no consistency to latch on to. Without agency or predictability, you learn to live without such things and so Limbo sees them as unnecessary. This gives her a likable demeanor that's easy to get along with, but this also robs her of drive and makes her ability to led and make decisions fall far below that of the average pony.

With your above argument, I see little need to change what you have here now... except to maybe add how she feels a want for friendship, and is currently seeking it actively... or as actively as a sleepy pone can get.  

 

For the most part, we can see Limbo living for short term comforts and thrills. There is an exception though. Limbo seems to cares deeply for the ponies she meats even without any immediate benefit. They provided an important, albeit rare, source of consistency in her early life. No matter how abnormal things got, when other ponies were there, they'd put things back into perspective, and for that, other ponies have a certain intrinsic value that she can't exactly explain why she appreciates.

This part... reads kinda clunky.  If I may offer an idea for an edit?  Try this:

Limbo seems satisfied enough with short-term goals and adventures... but has a habit of emotionally latching onto other beings who interact with her, regardless of any obvious benefits.  With the presence of others in her early life, there was peace and calm as situations were usually handled as they came along, but the absence of such during her stasis left her feeling as though she were helpless and lost.  Now that she has awakened, she has developed a somewhat subconscious need for companionship, as the presence of others tends to reassure her that things will be handled, once again.

I feel it explains the above in a more flowing way; easier to read and retain, plus it still hits the points you made before, just in a different manner.

 

Limbo Dreams was born in The Crystal Empire where she lived out her adolescence. Unfortunately, Limbo never got to live through a normal adolescence. She was the first to be born just after Sombra rose to power and so as if to punctuate his rule, in all its cruelty, she was cursed: born with horns that would magically force her to sleep throughout her entire life. For years, Limbo's parents cared for her until eventually, King Sombra was banished and the malaise that influenced Limbo's curse went with him. Soon after, The Crystal Empire had gone into a magic-induced stasis. During The Crystal Empire's stasis, Limbo Dream's horns began to assimilate with the rest of her body, no longer heading Sombra's air of dread.

She still dreamed throughout the stasis and with the help of her horns, she could connect with other dreams. Never able to interact, just a silent observer of another ponies mind, she began to pick up on other pony's lives. Progress was slow though. Patterns were difficult to pick up without lucidity and language proved to be very difficult to grasp. Stasis made time flow very slowly, so she could only process a few hours of dreaming per day. It took hundreds of years to even learn that she was entering other ponies dreams, and the prime learning age for such things had already passed. It took at least another hundred years to learn language, but eventually, with Sombra's defeat, Limbo woke up for the first time in her life.

Limbo's dreams gave her hints to the real world, and now that she is awake, she was ready to experience it for what it really is. She was still operating by the laws and assumptions of the dream realm. Back there, consequences were rare and jarring making for short-term comforts much more rewarding, in here things are more weighty and don't go nearly as far as she expects, but aside from that, how different could the real world possibly be?

Still one too many mentions of ol' Sombrero.  

The first mention is fine - it sets up that she was born almost as a sign of his twisted rule to come, and I dig that.

You could change the second mention to "until the tyrant's reign of terror ended", as it alludes to Sombra, but keeps his name out of the narrative.

The third one isn't really necessary, as the horns aren't OF Sombra himself; they simply receded as time passed, or as the 'weight of the Slave King's oppression eased'.

The last one... I could see it being important, which is why I suggest expanding a bit to explain it was his more recent, or second, defeat that broke Limbo's slumber curse... or perhaps put the act as something that automatically happened when the Crystal Empire returned... or maybe the shattering/reforging of the Crystal Heart might have been a catalyst as well, if you want Limbo to be more recently awakened than season three.

Otherwise, I am liking how she's shaping up!  

 

 

 

 

More edits have been made. I'll quote and mention all of them as I address you replies.

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Then perhaps further clarification could be made.  Hmmmmmmmm...

For the example of her aversion to sunlight, maybe it could be put as "bright sunlight", as it would convey a dislike of the brightness, but not the actual sun itself.  Anyone who reads the character will see that she sleeps a lot, and make the connection... and if not, it's something you could bring up during roleplay.  Remember, you don't have to give away EVERYTHING... save some stuff for others to discover through interaction.

 

I feel like this could wait until after the dislike feature starts working again (maybe we'll never cross that bridge). All I need to know is when the dislike feature is fixed so I can put my character back to their proper template.

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I like this... but it needs more.

Changed as suggested. Let me know if it's a step in the wrong direction. "...It also represents her unawareness to her own destiny and her struggle to see beyond the present."

22 hours ago, Randimaxis said:

If something looks or sounds bad, it must be bad. This would have led to fanaticism except for how easily her mind is changed.

This might read better if you try:

She sees things as black and white, right or wrong... yet she doesn't quite reach the point of extremism, as she has difficulty sticking to a thought; she is easily led astray.

 

Reworked the personality. "However, she never dips into fanaticism due to how easily her mind is changed; She never takes even a sensible amount of care into her beliefs as she is used to them being proven wrong just as quickly as they were formed." Old habits die hard, so let me know if it's too deprecating or if being more positive would make for a better description.

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I see little need to change what you have here now... except to maybe add how she feels a want for friendship, and is currently seeking it actively... or as actively as a sleepy pone can get.  

...

For the most part, we can see Limbo living for short term comforts and thrills. There is an exception though. Limbo seems to cares deeply for the ponies she meats even without any immediate benefit. They provided an important, albeit rare, source of consistency in her early life. No matter how abnormal things got, when other ponies were there, they'd put things back into perspective, and for that, other ponies have a certain intrinsic value that she can't exactly explain why she appreciates.

This part... reads kinda clunky.  If I may offer an idea for an edit?  Try this:

Limbo seems satisfied enough with short-term goals and adventures... but has a habit of emotionally latching onto other beings who interact with her, regardless of any obvious benefits.  With the presence of others in her early life, there was peace and calm as situations were usually handled as they came along, but the absence of such during her stasis left her feeling as though she were helpless and lost.  Now that she has awakened, she has developed a somewhat subconscious need for companionship, as the presence of others tends to reassure her that things will be handled, once again.

 

Rewrote the entire last paragraph of her personality. Should be easyer to read and a better discriptor.

 

Lastly, I rewrote some of the backstory to be less dependent on Sombra.-

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The third one isn't really necessary, as the horns aren't OF Sombra himself; they simply receded as time passed, or as the 'weight of the Slave King's oppression eased'.

"...as the horns aren't OF Sombra himself; they simply receded as time passed..."

-However, now that Sombra wasn't the cause of Limbo's horns, that is even more reason for them to stay. If they were directly because of Sombra, it would make sence for them to go away when he did, but that's not the case anymore. Limbo's horns are a huge part of her character that make her a lot more endeirning. Without them, leaving the dream world is no longer her choice. Wouldn't you rather want to know the story of a mare that leap'd into a world she isn't used to in order to persue the happyness of friendship than the story of a mare that was forced from her home through no fault of her own? Maybe that's a false dicotomy, but personaly, I have no intrest in playing the latter and every intrest playing the former. Besids, I've done this before with Blue Thorn's tail and I've seen no complants in how he preforms in RPs.

@Randimaxis,

*Ahem*, I uh, don't want to rush you, but the uh, silence is making me a little nervous .

Sorry - here we go:

Appearance:  MUCH improved - no issues here!

Cutie Mark:  Better description - no issues here, either!

 

[EDITS]

...oment. She is very much naive. If someth...

...bo cares deeply for the ponies she meets even withou...

 

Otherwise, the personality reads much better - thank you for making the changes needed, and for NOT making changes that didn't need making.  

The backstory still feels... unpolished... but that's no reason why it needs any further changing, I would suppose.  You're free to keep it as it is, but I still feel like this could use at least a re-edit to clean up some of the repetitive words and improve the flow... but that can always be done later; the main thing is to try to get her ready for entry into the EqE.

And yes, you're welcome to wait until the sheets are fixed to add the dislikes column.

 

Awaiting your reply.  *bows*

 

 

@Randimaxis Backstory aye...

I've run through the backstory again with a few changes and added a new paragraph. This should get readers invested with a more narrative description than a detached biography. Let me know if it's a step in the wrong direction. If it is then it should be easy enough for me to fix and I can get this character into the approval stage.

Aside from that, I made the edits you listed. thx

As far as I can see, things look good - and yes, the additional paragraph does do a lot more for her story by describing things more thoroughly.  Excellent work!

I do have a single, solitary question though...

 

Tolerable but distasteful: Nose ponies

 

Are you talking about ponies with noses, because I have this horrific vision of Pinkie Pie with Nigel Thornberry's face... *shuddercringe*

Ya, I guess she would find that distasteful. So, uh, both.

Alrighty then!

Into the Second Approval queue you go - best of luck, and I'm glad to have helped!

Hello @Loud Opinion 

(I'm a little slow my apologies)
I've gone over your Crystal mare and she is something and a half that is for sure I must say and what I've been reading it seems Randimaxis and yourself have been working on her quite a bit since the start and have created a monster... I mean well-written character. I can't find any issues with your character entry so I can do nothing more but approve her well done on this OC and have fun with her out there in Equestria.