Critique my OC?

[AmberDust 1,118]

Hello everypony. I've been critiquing OCs recently, but I've never had anypony critique my OC, Amber Dust. I think i know what makes a good OC, but I still have a feeling I've fallen into a few clichés. So, would you consider critiquing my OC? Be as harsh as you want--if I can dish it out, I should be able to take it!

 

Here she is.

And her colour scheme is still in development...I think. See here

Edited December 21, 2014 by AmberDust

[Eloquence 2,076]

I'd be happy to help!

 

First off, I want to say that physically, I think your OC is just perfect. Seriously, I wouldn't change a thing. Her design is unique without being too "out there" and the color scheme is very pleasing on the eyes. I learned from watching a certain favorite brony youtuber of mine that warm colors draw the eye towards them, so putting a warm color in the eyes or near the front of the mane draws the eye to the pony's face, which is exactly what you want. That said, whether intentional or not giving her eyes that warm amber color was a stroke of genius

 

Now on to personality - I think this section might be a little busy. I know it seems odd to suggest you say less when developing a character, but I think there's value in leaving the personality in her bio as a quick summary and making more of the details implicit, things that would come out naturally in a roleplay but wouldn't necessarily have to be stated outright. Think of the personalities of the mane six, each one is a complex and fleshed out character, but if you were going to describe them to someone else you could probably do it in one or two sentences for each pony. As it is, I feel like so many different facets are being addressed that I can't get a good grasp on who exactly your character is. 

 

This fact-dump of largely positive qualities also has the potential to make your character seem a bit too good to be true. This is common among OCs, you never want them to act perfectly in every situation thrown at them. Perhaps it would help to give an example from my own OC. I play her as very intelligent, poised, and proper, but the first time she saw a princess in a setting where she had the opportunity to talk to her she started hyperventilating and paced until she knocked right into somepony. Things like that really go a long way towards making a character seem real.

 

I might also consider changing her dual ambitions of designer/artist and archaeologist. I really like the idea of her loving archaeology and history, especially with how well it fits her name and how she has a penchant for telling stories to bring hope and cheer. I wouldn't drop the entire designer/artist component to her, I would leave her ability to sketch and her eye for beauty and coordination. However, I wouldn't make her an aspiring artist, especially given that you describe her as a logic-based pony, and I would make design more of a hobby. There is still money to be made in archaeology and history, she could have a number of lucrative jobs as a young historian, perhaps working under somepony and aiding them in their research. As for design being part of her reason to go to Ponyville, I think the Castle of the Two Sisters is more than enough reason for her to be interested.

 

Finally, I think your OC is too powerful in terms of her magic. Teleportation specifically is what concerns me, as I can't remember seeing any pony use it unless they're a princess or Twilight before she became a princess. Even Twilight, who is immensely powerful and who's special talent is magic, struggled with teleportation throughout the first season of the show. Unicorns usually develop magic that directly relates to their special talent, so I would take that into consideration when deciding what your pony can do.

 

Phew, that was more writing than I expected it to be. Hope it's helpful, and best of luck in your roleplaying endeavors

[AmberDust 1,118]

@@Eloquence

Thanks for your reply. I never considered that teleportation was uncommon. But I guess that part was just added for a fighting game Amber was in.

I'll consider your other suggestions as well--although it's unlikely I'll drop her artistic ambitions. I know it seems cluttered, but it's currently the thread that connects her to me. I probably could have described her ambitions a bit better though--I certainly see how it could look a bit busy lol.

What would you suggest I omit in the personality description?

(Also, please direct me towards the wall of good qualities so I can interject some of her bad ones--she does have them, but I guess I didn't write many down.)

[Eloquence 2,076]

@@AmberDust, 

 

Hmm, well if all of the ambitions are going to stay, then it might help to draw more connections between them. It also might help not to just say that she's an artist/designer, as that covers a pretty wide range. The combination of archaeology and sketch art that you have is a really good way of doing this. Honestly it might just help to narrow the artist/designer thing, or give it more of a focus (if that makes sense). 

 

As for the prsonality, I took a careful look through what you have written and picked out what I think are her most defining traits. I would say she is curious, introverted, logical, ambitious, caring, honest, and strong-willed. I think that can be summed up in a more concise way, assuming I did interpret her correctly. Looking back, I wouldn't say there's a 'wall of bad qualities' per se, giving it a more thorough read I can see where you put in faults, it's just a lot to ingest at once. I'd say some of it can be a little repetitive, for example talking about her shyness can be omitted since introverted people/ponies already come off as a little quiet most of the time. It's something that naturally follows suit from a trait you already discussed.