Constructive criticism on my writing style

[twilight24 321]

Hello! What you're about to see is my examples of things I have written in the past. I hope some of it's okay. The story I wrote for someone was rushed but I'm using it as an example. Constructive critism on any of these would be helpful.

 

Here's the story

 

I wasn't always this way. Before the Insanity Crew, before the lies, tricks, and facade...I was kind, a person with a good heart. Now I'm nothing. No family, no group. Just ... nothing. I stare into the blinding sun, it's ray's blinding me. How I wish things were different.

 

~****~

"Chaos Flier!" barked a stern voice. A stern and fierce looking ,yellow Peagaus towered over me, the shadows covering her electric blue mane with red and green tinging the ends. Standing proud and tall in her Royal Guard uniform, I was a bit intimated, but not enough to show it on my little 7 year old face. Flying Chaos leaned in closer and huffed. "I want you to listen, and listen close. The trainee program for future young guards is highly competitive and hard to enter. I want you to be on your best behavior and not get into any trouble. You hear?" The fierce and and seemingly angry stallion leaned down and nicked my ear gently. I huffed and pushed past my mother, embarrassed by all the stairs I was getting from passing ponies.

 

"You don't have to make me do this mother okay? I understand what to do, I rather not be in this program. Why do I have to join?" I could detect the whiness in my own voice, and I knew my mother was wearing down on patience. We had been traveling for an hour in Canterlot, and it was starting to get to both of us.

 

"Think how proud your father would be"

 

I stiffened at the mention of father. Flier Ace was a kernal of world dimensions and my mom was a trainee at the time they met. Both lived up to their legacies, moving up the ranks and helping Princess Celestia with keeping other dimesions and worlds from everypony safe. My mother was going to become the top Royal Guard.

 

Then she found out I was on the way.

 

Everything was heading downhill after that. My mother's position was given to the second in command. My father was killed by another general who was plotting to destroy dimensions. I was born a few days later. But I think the day my dad went my mom promised to never truly love anything or anyone again.

 

Everyon expected me to live up to their legacies. I was so sick of it! I just wanted to be a care-free fillie , play with toys, be a kid. But nope, I was being shippd off to training camp. I couldn't stand it.

 

With all of this rushing through my mind I turned my back and whispered, looking directly at the ground. " I hate you"

 

I ran away and never looked back. I was deaf to her calls and the footsteps chasing after me. I was so blinded by tears that I didn't pay attention to where I was going. When I bothered to look up, I was in a alleyway. Turning to go around, I was knocked out by a punch to the head. All I can remember, as I was thrown into a sack, was the cruel, merciless laughter of a strange creature.

 

~****~

It had been two years, and all I can recall is my name. I focus on the ripped lining of the world to Equestria, and with the pendant around my neck, four jewels poking out and a huge ruby red gem in the middle surrounded by astar shaped metal holding it, I use the energy from my pendant to destroy the entrance.

 

Insanity Crew's top leader, Destiny Spinner, smirks at me, the closet thing to a smile I'll ever get from her. I grin back, hoping for her approval. Alway hoping to find acceptance from a bunch of pschyopaths whos main

is to destroyed worlds.

And I was slowly becoming one of them.

 

 

~*****~

 

I'm 16 and covered in blood. It's soaking my fur, blocking my visions. I scream but no scream can bllock out the little gray colts dying breaths. He was just a trainee. Why... why .WHY! I had become an elite member of the Insanity Crew, and in my lory for world domintion, I had used my jewls powers to kill Shooting Dare. He was only 7... only 7... dear Celestia help me. I rush over to his mangled body and hold him, Those dead eyes will haunt me forever.

 

" You should really put that down, you might get infected.

 

I glare at Destiny Spinner and gang. They all laugh, cold and uncaring.

 

 

"You made me do this.. why, how --how could you? I never wanted this to happen." I manage to joke out as sobs take over the rest of my body. All those years, all the worlds I herlped destroy... no mmore.

 

I am ready to fight. But I'm weak and Destiny Spinner knows it. She says nothing as two brawny lackies grab either foreleg, forcing me into a open lining. I scream and screambut my words are drawn out by laughter.

 

Before I am pushed through the portal all I hear is "What a waste she was"

 

Now I'm here and yet not. Celestia forgive me for what I've done..I can no longer see what's ahead of me. My future, my whole life.. is over. I close my eyes, never wanting to open them again. I have a sense of the place I'm at. Shaplss memories... of being in Ponyville with someone. I can only muster a name though.

 

'"Flying Chaos"

 

 

 

 

 

Out to the sea

 

 

I scream to the crashing waves

 

No voice is heard above the bubbling tide

 

I scream to the sky

 

Nothing is there to greet but a black storm cloud hovering

 

 

I cry with bitter regret

 

 

That the sea called to you and me, yet we have grown oceans apart.

 

Time is not a friendly mistress

 

I call to the sea

 

With waves and tides and sea gulls come together

 

 

Answer me answer me

 

For the sea can't contain

 

The river of sadness in me

 

I scream to the sea

 

No one answers back

 

 

And

 

I am a marshan among humans. I see the differences painfully everyday. My Aspergers is something I'm used too, but a lot of people don't get. I want them to learn and know what it is without having to always offer a explanation about ASD and my disorder. I don't believe it's a full disability. I'm limited in some ways, but still, I can learn and achieve. I just have to try harder and practice more. I suppose I do wish I knew what it was like to be normal.

 

I'm a marshan on my home plant. I try so hard all the time, putting on mask after mask for my performance. I am a well trained actress, but social gatherings where you need to be on your toes aren't my areas of expertise. I feel hollow when I'm an outsider looking in. It gets hard to be the social freak society views you sometimes. I am not abnormality, I am human too. I know my hand flapping is a language you don't understand but I have to learn social cues and mannerisms, so please, please learn the beauty of expressing yourself.

 

Speaking of expressing yourself, I don't believe it's a big deal when my body tightens and I make weird noises. I have done it all my life and I won't stop. This. music, and other help to inspire me and my creations. My mind works in shades of colors, images. words, and a array of wonderful delights. I can't give away everything, it would take out all the fun.

 

I'm a marshan with feelings. I know the kids at school who were more inclined to bully didn't take that into mind. The past still haunts me sometimes but I must go on. The past is good to learn from, but I want to hold onto the gift of the present. I hate when teenagers and ignorant adults think it's funny of how I look and walk. I cry sometimes, it hurts like the dull reminders of the demons in my mind. No I'm not crazy. Let me explain.

 

I'm a marshan with low-self esteem and a severe case of intrusive thoughts. I define it as anything that causes major distress, such as violences to to others and yourself. sexual, religious, and other horrid things. I'm not going to tell you mine, except I have thoughts and urges of harming myself. I never will act on them though. It's no ones fault who also suffer from intrusive thoughts. It's a very saddening and distressing part of OCD, but I'm learning to handle it better.

 

 

I'm a marshan named Heather McClaskey. I have a love for writing, poetry, anime, manga, and books. Oh also newspapers. I am obsessed with learning and improving. I suppose I'm a marshan who doesn't want to be the only marshan. I am not alone but it feels that way sometimes. I'm a complex, beautiful young lady with a mid that is always on it's axis. I'm a daughter, aunt, sister, friend, and so much more than a facade I can put on. So say hello to your marhsans in your life and find your inner one if you can

[AspenSwift 153]

You have an incredibly intriguing writing style, but sometimes you make some grammatical errors that can confuse the reader.  Good work, keep writing!

[twilight24 321]

Thank you c: I know , ill keep up at it

[10InTheTardis 509]

I really like your writing style, especailly how you can add detail to ceratin points without being ogerwhelming, but one thing I noticed that may need a bit of work is how you tent to use the same adjectives  twice in a row, for example:

 

"I stare into the blinding sun, it's ray's blinding me."

 

"Chaos Flier!" barked a stern voice. A stern and fierce looking ,yellow Peagaus towered over me."

 

That's the only thing I think you need to work on, aside from that, all of those were really well written!

[twilight24 321]

Yes, I notice I use similar adjectives in a sentence.

[IJoinedForPonies 124]

It isn't bad aside from the grammatical errors, but transitioning from 1st person to 3rd person narration can confuse a lot of people from what I was told. I myself wrote my story like that, but I decided to rewrite it for the sake of reader's convenience, and my own. lol 

[Revy ~ Two Hands 862]

Sentence structure could use some work there are plenty of pauses that break up a potential flow of the narrative and make it read more like instruction to the reader, I talk specifically of the overuse of commas. Character related information is exposotion heavy this needs to be revealed in an indirect fashion perhaps from the perspective of someone who isn't the subject of description.

 

This would be my main critisms of the current style.