Pulchritude 66 March 28, 2015 Share March 28, 2015 (edited) Hello everypony! I have an OC and maybe YOU a CRITIC can give feedback on my OC! The link to Longlocks's information can be found in my signature. If you are willing to help me, please advise what you can. Thank you for taking your time to read this. :grin2: Edited March 28, 2015 by Pulchritude LONGLOCKS' INFO|ASK LONGLOCKS|DRAW LONGLOCKSSIGNATURE BY: TEAM BLUE DESTINY CORE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chip Circuit 1,842 March 28, 2015 Share March 28, 2015 In my opinion I find the "magically fortified" mane kind of a cheap way for her to get by the lice. Abother note she seems like a Mary sue character to me. What shortcomings or weaknesses does she have? Otherwise I do like the character 1 I've been getting more into writing fanfics, mainly MLP since it has such a deep pool of creativity to pull from. I'm good with character and story concepts, so if you need help with a fanfic or something feel free to Private message me But don't be hurt if I have to decline if I'm tapped out for a bit. Otherwise I'm fairly good at it just sometimes I have to let my mind subconsciously think of some ideas. OCs: Radiant Sentinel, Sulfur Flash Sentinel (FoE descendant of Radiant Sentinel) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OkBuddy 586 March 28, 2015 Share March 28, 2015 The character does seem to have a pretty great design, the white and gold really goes well together. The whole thing about the lice problem was cool, but like Chip Circuit said, the magically fortified mane part was kind of cheap. Maybe she could have struggled at first? Finally, Longlocks should have more flaws with her personality. Maybe she could be a little narcissistic with the quality of her hair? You can really play around with the character. 2 I'm a Y2K Survivor™ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Beam 1,179 March 28, 2015 Share March 28, 2015 Aside from what's been said before, I personally believe that a little more of backstory would help. Lovely design by the way. 1 Main OC Shadow Beam EqE OC Astro Shine Deviant Art Hi there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pulchritude 66 March 28, 2015 Author Share March 28, 2015 Thank you for all your comments! I will take note of all of these. LONGLOCKS' INFO|ASK LONGLOCKS|DRAW LONGLOCKSSIGNATURE BY: TEAM BLUE DESTINY CORE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HawkeyePierce 115 March 28, 2015 Share March 28, 2015 Finally, Longlocks should have more flaws with her personality. Maybe she could be a little narcissistic with the quality of her hair? You can really play around with the character. You could go the narcissistic route, or you could dig a little deeper into this line: "She is very meticulous and fails to see the wondrous magnificence of her elegant manestyle creations." Why does she not see that her creations are beautiful? Is she always worried about failing? Does she never think that she'd good enough for others? You could banish some of the Sue-ishness by digging into the psychology of why she is blind to something that others find perfectly obvious. It will give her more depth, too, so that readers can relate. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelytiger 8 March 28, 2015 Share March 28, 2015 I mean, white and gold is a little bit of an overused scheme. I'm not a big fan of OC's with white coats because it's a little unoriginal and lazy, but whatever suits you. The mane style is very nice! Are there any personality flaws that she has? Those definitely help flesh out your character and make them more than just a pretty face. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pulchritude 66 March 29, 2015 Author Share March 29, 2015 OKAY! I edited my OC's personality and back story. Just inform me if it is in need of more changes.Note: I really don't know how I can make the lice story more adventurous. LONGLOCKS' INFO|ASK LONGLOCKS|DRAW LONGLOCKSSIGNATURE BY: TEAM BLUE DESTINY CORE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay Dreamer 884 March 29, 2015 Share March 29, 2015 @@Pulchritude, I adore her colour scheme! I don't seem to see too many white ponies around, and the braids are a lovely touch. Basically, I think her design is perfect. No need for changes there. I think I remember reading her backstory with the lice before you changed it. I will concur with the others in that the 'magical mane' meant the lice disaster was too easy for her to overcome, but I'm a little saddened to see you scrapped the lice story altogether. I thought it had great potential as a possible cutie-mark story. Just think - A lice infestation hits Longlock's hometown when she is just a filly. Longlocks, with her beautiful, squeaky clean mane, comes down with a terrible infestation. Nothing will budge them and her mother, with no other options, can only suggest cutting her beautiful mane off to rid her of the lice. Longlocks is completely horrified and runs away, determined to get rid of the lice her own way. Using everything she knows about the various shampoos her mother uses at the salon, she gathers a bunch of natural flowers and herbs and creates a shampoo which cures the lice problem completely. Ecstatic, she shares the shampoo with the rest of the town, gaining her cutie mark in the process. From that moment forward, she knew she was destined to be a manestylist, caring for the manes of other ponies. That would still work with the newer backstory you have, which could be after she left home to pursue her dream. Both of them together would give her a nicely fleshed-out story. :grin2: The Crystal Minstrel Pony Tumblr Kay Dreamer's Roleplay OC and Cast Character Archive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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