Tom Snyder 4,113 June 2, 2015 Author Share June 2, 2015 Right off the bat I can say the atmosphere in the beginning is great but it gets neglected as the chapter goes on. Sometimes your sentence structure doesn't suit the mood you are trying to portray. Certain sentences are too long or too short for their situations. Sometimes a comma (,) or full stop (.) is better suited than a (; ) The many I's should be capital. And there are quite a few spelling and grammar errors. One of the most blaring problem I'd say is the tense. I believe it's suppose to be present tense but I get a bit of a headache trying to sort it out. I think it's better if you stuck to a past/present mix of tense but stick to past if you aren't good with tenses. The character of Dark Mist seems very passive in her own story and doesn't seen to do much. The dialogue in the story feels a bit jumbled and unnatural, doesn't flow well. You should try using their names less as it gets dizzy especially between Dark Mist and Evening Mist. You could simply refer to then as he or she. Sometimes the tone contradicts with the mood and assumed atmosphere. Evening Mist seemed too calm. That's all I can say for now. Oh pony feathers, i thought i was missing something; but couldn't figure out what. //// My persona and OC: Candy Star //// Ask me anything: Ask Candy Star //// My Music //// //// My DA: (OC requests available) //// Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordSwinton 759 June 2, 2015 Share June 2, 2015 Awfully sorry, didn't see your PM. Has your story been taken down? Didn't get to read the second chapter Click here to boop that snoot, or here to request boops from Felix! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna the Great of all the Russias 3,221 June 2, 2015 Share June 2, 2015 Awfully sorry, didn't see your PM. Has your story been taken down? Didn't get to read the second chapter He seems to have deleted it. Pony Art Thread Brony since ~25 July of 2011. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Snyder 4,113 June 2, 2015 Author Share June 2, 2015 (edited) The grammar wasn't that bad, i hate it when people make a false statement. I have those who enjoyed it regardless. I moved it back to fanfiction.net; I can take major criticsim, but when others start going overboard; its when move elsewhere. Edited June 2, 2015 by Candy Star //// My persona and OC: Candy Star //// Ask me anything: Ask Candy Star //// My Music //// //// My DA: (OC requests available) //// Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordSwinton 759 June 2, 2015 Share June 2, 2015 The grammar wasn't that bad, i hate it when people make a false statement. I have those who enjoyed it regardless. I swear I wasn't lying. Just a few, but noticeable errors. Click here to boop that snoot, or here to request boops from Felix! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Snyder 4,113 June 2, 2015 Author Share June 2, 2015 I swear I wasn't lying. Just a few, but noticeable errors. I never said you were, i just wish people were more considerate about my handicap on learning ability. //// My persona and OC: Candy Star //// Ask me anything: Ask Candy Star //// My Music //// //// My DA: (OC requests available) //// Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Join the herd!Sign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now