critique wanted Proofread my song?

[Clover Heart 978]

I'm trying to make an arrangement for an existing song. I've done my best, using headphones and adjusting the audio, but it's very difficult to hear even individual notes in the background, for me, much less the entire chord. So I was wondering if some of you could listen to what I've come up with so far and maybe check it against the original, if you have time. 

 

I'm going to do my own thing with this track, so I've changed a few things about it, shortening some areas, lengthening others. However, I still wanna retain the basic feeling of it, especially in the parts with lyrics. This is a bare-bones version because I wanna make sure the base is solid before I move onto things like the counter-melody or the rhythm section.

 

I was also a little uncertain about the 4-bar intro and the 8-bar bridge in the middle. I'm not sure if they keep with the tone of the song or not. If someone could let me know their opinion on those and what I might be able to do to fix them, I'd appreciate that, too.

 

This is my version:

Here's the original:

Or in English, if it's easier: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Krh9szUJQEQ

 

Any help is very much appreciated!

Edited October 11, 2015 by Clover Heart

[Clover Heart 978]

I fixed some of the chords and then I put in a whole bunch of other musicky shizz. Can someone tell me if I did anything stupid that sounds awful or something? I'm especially uncertain about the counter-melody and some of the instrumentation. Thanks.

 

https://soundcloud.com/zexonyte/moar-dogs

[Thunderlane 550]

I don't really have the time to make a full review /critique (sorryyyyyy) but I do agree that the instrumentation could be changed for the better at some parts. Especially the vocals for me should be different because I don't think it quite has the same amount of strength and sense of lead as the vocals do in the actual song. 

Other than that, the notation seems perfect and the chords are pretty much bang on so I don't doubt that this will sound awesome when it's 100% finished!!! <3

[Bass Concerto 27]

First and foremost, you might want to turn the hi-hat down. It's also a bit hard to hear the piano sometimes, and it sounds important, so make sure to adjust the balance so that you can hear all the important part. Also, you're using the same instruments throughout the whole song. It would help immensely if you had a section where, say, the drums drop out, or it's just the piano playing, or it's just the strings. Just through in something to change the texture; it'll keep the audience interested. Otherwise, the chords are nice, the melody's very relaxing and played well. There's nothing wrong with any of the notes or anything, but the presentation could be worked on a bit. The whole song, I just hear drums, strings(synth? I don't do electronic music that much) and piano. And, while that's not a bad thing for the main portion of the song, you want to mix it up a bit so that the audience stays interested.

 

I hope I was helpful

 

Non sequitur, but can someone tell me why I can't add a signature?