Rapid Wind

[Rapid Wind 47]

Rapid Wind

Chapter 1

Rapid Wind stepped off the train at Ponyville station and allowed the refreshing country breeze sweep across his short azure blue mane and his cobalt blue coat. Just by looking out toward the countryside surrounding Ponyville, Rapid Wind knew he was far from home. Trees and meadows of beautiful lush green grass and flowers were all within view as he admired his new surroundings. As Rapid Wind trotted lightly across the platform, he could feel the warmth of the sun on the tips of his wing feathers and on his back. Rapid Wind paused as he longingly looked into the clear blue, scenic sky that would tempt any other Pegasus into flying about and enjoying what it had to offer, but not him.

 

Rapid Wind shook his head profusely as he hated to be reminded of the past and why he never properly enjoyed the sky anymore. Rapid turned to look away from the sky’s offering and hung his head low and sighed a bit and trotted off the station. As Rapid started to trot the streets of Ponyville, Rapid remembered why he had come to visit. He had heard so many rumours about Ponyville and its residents and while he had a feeling some rumours might be based on fact, Rapid felt a sceptical approach was more realistic. Ponyville being the hometown of the six elements of Harmony was a little hard to believe, but then to believe an ordinary unicorn transcended into an alicorn form and had become known as the Princess of Friendship even harder to accept. It was greatly believed the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle had recently defeated the evil Lord Tirek and saved ponies from a cruel oppressive reign. Rapid just had doubts of how a lot of these rumours could be true and while press ponies and others continued to spread gossip, stories and rumours, Rapid believed the only way to prove fact from fiction was with his own eyes and his own sceptical analysis.

However as Rapid trotted along another street, Rapid felt his first priority was to explore Ponyville as he knew he had never trotted its streets before. Rapid lifted his head as another gale blew on through and hoped to see another pony around and to his delight he was not met with disappointment as a pink pony with a curly, fluffy pink tail and a fluffy pink mane, curious blue eyes and a light friendly smile was heading his way. Rapid stopped and stood still as he realised the pony looked an awful lot like the descriptions of a pony called Pinkie Pie rumoured to be the element bearer of Laughter.

 

  “Hi, you must be new and you must be new because I haven’t seen you before and I know every pony in Ponyville, so that means you must be new,” said the pink pony in one quick huff. Rapid Wind looked at the pink pony with confusion and said nothing.

 

 “My name is Pinkie Pie, what’s yours?” the pink pony mused and then bounced toward Rapid to greet him.

 

 “Rapid Wind,” Rapid stuttered.

 

 “So, do you like parties!?” Pinkie Pie asked in a cheery voice and then let loose a party cannon of confetti and Rapid didn’t like most of the confetti got on him and started to try and shake it off and remove it.

 

 “Sorry, but do yer like parties, do yer, do yer?” Pinkie asked and got closer to Rapid.

 “Uh… yeah,” Rapid answered as Pinkie was getting rather close and he stepped a pace backwards to create separation space.

 

 “Great! See you later!” Pinkie chirped and bounced up and down once and then bounced away in a hurry and disappeared out of sight.

 

 “If yer were the type of pony that wanted to avoid undue attention, yer just blew it, once Pinkie’s on to yer, there’s no avoiding her attention,” said a country voice of another pony passing on by. Rapid Wind turned to spot an orange country lass pony with a Stetson hat on and with two green eyes looking at him with a slight smile.

 

 “Well, thanks for the advice,” Rapid Wind said to thank her.

 

 “Anyways, howdy stranger, my name is Applejack,” said Applejack as Rapid was a little surprised that she had introduced herself to him without knowing his name or background and this made Rapid not so sure on returning the favour by giving Applejack his name. However, Applejack then produced a hoof for Rapid to shake and Rapid decided he couldn’t be rude and just walk off.

 

 “I’m Rapid Wind,” Rapid introduced himself and only intended to shake hooves lightly, but Applejack had a far stronger grip that he thought as she shook his hoof quite firmly.

 

 “So, Rapid what brings yer to Ponyville if I may ask?” Applejack asked after finally letting go and then curiously looked at Rapid. Rapid looked at Applejack and briefly admired her small smile and her green eyes and then realised she was still quite close to him and backed off.

 

“Hey, we country ponies don’t bite yer know,” Applejack joked slightly.

 

 “It’s not what some ponies say,” Rapid said reluctantly as he didn’t want to start an argument or cause a fuss, but he didn’t want Applejack’s or Pinkie’s attention right now as he wanted to trot around Ponyville and explore on his own.

 

 “Well, some ponies bend the truth and tell a lie, but I represent the Element of Honesty and I hardly ever tell a lie,” Applejack honestly admitted and even smiled a bit more broadly and with a bit of pride afterwards. Rapid Wind noticed Applejack had said hardly ever told a lie and was about to seize his chance to capitalize on it, but he remembered his desire to explore alone.

 

 “Nice to meet yer and all, but I’ve got places to go,” Rapid Wind said and then noticed he was sweating a little.

 

  “Actually, now you’ve mentioned it, so do I, these apples won’t sell themselves and by the way would yer be interested?” Applejack asked.

Rapid Wind noticed the shine on the juicy green and red apples after Applejack moved over to the left to reveal a cart of apples behind her and Rapid felt tempted, but his mind told him to avoid spending his gold bits too quickly as he hadn’t been in Ponyville for that long and a wiser colt saved his gold bits.

 

 “No thank you,” Rapid Wind politely declined and turned his head away and trotted off before he knew his mental strength to refuse spending would be overcome by the temptation to buy and eat a juicy apple. Only after putting some distance between him and Applejack did it register in Rapid’s mind that Applejack had also said she was the Element of Honesty and Rapid immediately noted his sceptical mind doubted this could be fact. Rapid shrugged his scepticism off as he felt it wasn’t immediately important and turned to look around the street and found himself looking at the houses. Though they had overhanging top floors and balconies, Rapid found himself admiring the hanging flower baskets and some of the gardens and hedges he could see as he felt far removed from the city streets of Fillydelphia where only the wealthy social elite seemed to enjoy privileges such as neatly kept gardens and even then they had workers looking after their gardens.

 

As Rapid Wind gazed at the neatly trimmed and well-kept lawns he could see, he just had the feeling that it was the ponies that lived in the houses that kept their gardens in check rather than hired help. Rapid admired the gardens and the houses for a bit longer, but then noted he didn’t know where he was in Ponyville. Rapid looked down the street in the hopes of spotting Ponyville’s town hall, but saw nothing but houses and gardens and a boutique shop and the streets looked quiet.

 

Rapid Wind stepped back a pace as he disliked looking at the boutique shop and he had little like of fashion as he sometimes thought the high classed wealthy mares and stallions cared too much about the image the newest fashions created. Rapid also felt clothing added nothing to a pony’s character and the most fashionable tuxedo couldn’t change his dislike of fashion and his hatred of imagining himself wearing one. However, Rapid judged the shopkeeper had to be local and noted an open sign was hanging in front of the window and figured he would ask the shopkeeper for directions to town hall and then leave. As Rapid stepped inside, a small bell rang.

 

 “Coming,” called out a voice and then a white unicorn with a well-groomed flowing purple mane with two blue eyes appeared and looked at him.

 

 “Oh, a customer,” the white unicorn mused and Rapid noted a slight friendly smile and the two blue eyes looking at him.

 

 “Um… no, I just want directions to town hall,” Rapid said as he took a quick glance around the boutique and noted the outfits on display were for mare customers.

 

 “Actually, I’ve been waiting for a stallion Pegasi to visit as you see I’ve been working on a couple of outfits and it would be really helpful if you could agree to model them for me,” the white unicorn said and Rapid shook his head.

 

 “Just give me direction and I’ll on my way,” Rapid decided to say clearly, so that the unicorn would not mistake his intent to get information and then leave.

 

 “How about this as an arrangement? You help me and then I’ll gladly inform you of the way to town hall and my name’s Rarity by the way,” Rarity introduced herself and stepped forward toward Rapid with a slight friendly smile. Rapid noted her friendly smile and the name seemed familiar again as he was pretty sure that he had heard of the name in some of the rumours he had heard and written in some of the stories he had read, but again his sceptical mind told him that it was more likely to be a coincidence.

 

 “Okay,” Rapid Wind reluctantly agreed, as he decided not to pause in thought or spend too much time standing and thinking.

 

 “Really!? You’re the first stallion Pegasus to agree since I charmed Thunderlane in here once, but never mind about that,” Rarity said as her smile widened a bit and she trotted over and behind Rapid. Rapid Wind felt concerned when Rarity mentioned charmed, but he also remembered agreeing to help and trotted lightly forward until he was behind a changing screen at the back of the boutique. Rapid Wind then turned and looked at Rarity and saw her horn lit up with a blue aura.

 

“Now stand still while I slip on the first outfit,” Rarity instructed as Rapid watched in wonder as he saw her levitate a bundle of outfits over and then without warning, Rarity pounced and forced an outfit over him.

Rapid noted the winter light brown jacket around his waist felt comfortable and like a snug fit as if somehow Rarity had known his measurements without asking about them, however Rapid knew winter was a long way off and the outfit wasn’t appropriate and as soon as his head dropped, Rarity stripped the outfit off violently and forced another one on him. This time, Rapid noted his reflection looked a bit like a male version of Daring Do as Rarity had put a safari hat on his head and a safari looking jacket around his waist, but Rapid again felt the outfit didn’t compliment him and sighed. Again, Rarity stripped the outfit off in one quick motion and Rapid felt the pain creep swiftly across his back and winced slightly. Rapid Wind then noticed Rarity was readying to force a third outfit on him and really didn’t want to feel the sting of a third outfit being stripped off him.

 

 “Stop, please stop,” Rapid Wind winced.

 

 “Oh, I’m so sorry, I was about to get carried away as I saw you were unimpressed and I was hoping to find an outfit that you liked and would complement you,” Rarity apologised as she dropped the third outfit onto the shop floor.

 

 “Just tell me where town hall is like you promised,” Rapid said as he trotted back onto the shop floor and still felt pain in his back and across his wings.

 

 “Just take a left after leaving my boutique and then continue straight ahead for five minutes and it’ll be right in front of you,” Rarity answered.

 

“Thanks,” Rapid said.

 

 “Oh, and I really am sorry,” Rarity said and Rapid noted she did appear apologetic, but he didn’t want to be in the boutique any longer than he had to be.

 

 “See you around,” Rapid said quickly and trotted back out onto the street and walked toward town hall.

 

 

Author notes: This is my first fanfic on this site, so please do review and give comments as I wish to improve upon my writing and creativity.

Edited April 16, 2016 by Rapid Wind

[Nervous Stitch 813]

Hi there @Rapid Wind,

 

 

I went ahead and moved your topic to Writing Resources instead. 

[Rapid Wind 47]

Thanks. How do I make sure if I post another fanfic or a chapter 2 at some point that it appears in the correct section?

[Taialin 217]

@@Rapid Wind

Hello, Rapid Wind! I hear you want some thoughts on how your story is progressing. I happen to be a writer myself, so I'll see what I can do to help a fellow writer out.
 
Now, you must realize that as your first attempt at writing a fanfic, the story is never going to be perfect. That being said, you could have done much, much worse. And I have, for the record, read much worse before. I'm sorry if that comes across as sort of backhanded praise, but I really do want to give you a well-earned hoofbump for a well-written narrative!
 
Let's focus on what you get right, first. Your conventions, first of all, are quite good. Grammar, sentence syntax, spelling, all of that is really quite good. I can't say that about most other first-time writers, to be sure. I found your prose very easy to read and generally unoffensive—as it should be.
 
Next, your ability to evoke imagery and write description is really quite good. The introduction, in particular, does a great job of setting the stage, getting the reader engaged, and making some nice imagery of Ponyville. I do love me some good, milky description to give readers a real sense of the setting, and your introduction just pushes all the right buttons for me.
 
I also like the fact that Rapid has a defined character straight off the bat. One of the most significant hurdles you must overcome when writing these stories is to give readers a reason to care about your character. And within the first two paragraphs of the story, I already know that Rapid is a skeptical kind of folk, and he's averse to flying in the sky for some reason. That latter point is rife for expansion, and I'm sure you know it. Don't disappoint me!
 
That being said, there are just a few problems I'd like to bring up, if you'd like to hear them.
 
First, I feel like the first chapter of this story plays off as a sort of "meet and greet." I realize that that's somewhat inevitable, given your style of story, but you could stand to give Rapid a little more breathing room in between meeting ponies. In the mere span of the first chapter, Rapid's already met no less than three Elements of Harmony, having brief conversations with all of them but not developing on them very much. I'd suggest you either cut the interaction at Pinkie and head straight to town hall, or give a little more room for Rapid's interaction with the Mane 6 to develop.
 
Next—and this is more of a nitpick than anything else—try not to use "yer" in your dialogue. There are better ways to convey Southern-style accents to readers. In general, you'd want to do this with use of vernacular and sentence structure and not with word substitutions. Additionally, substituting "you" for "yer" is particularly jarring because one would think that "yer" would replace "your."
 
Finally . . . I simply must comment on your Rarity characterization. Now, this is coming from somebody who roleplays Rarity on this site very, very frequently; while I don't know everything about her character, I'd like to think I understand it fairly well. While being somewhat more manipulative than the rest of the Mane 6, she's still not the type to keep hostage simple information like the location of Town Hall just so she can have another moving mannequin to play around with. The only situation when I'd consider this appropriate for Rarity is if she was enamored with her subject, and from the looks of things, that's not the case.
 
Anyhow, that's what I'm thinking of at the moment. Overall, your story looks to be coming along quite nicely, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes. Hopefully my comments will be of help to you. Good luck!
 
~T

Edited April 21, 2016 by Taialin

[Rapid Wind 47]

@Taialin

 

Hmm. Thanks for the praise on the imagery and my descriptions. I did wonder if I had written them well. Hmm, I do admit to having quick meets and greets, I might cut Applejack if I revise. However, one reason I had quick meets and greets was to focus more on the character and the descriptions of what he sees. Plus, I have a plan and a reason for Pinkie's meet and greet being quick, be prepared for a surprise! As for Swift's meeting with Rarity, I'll take your points on board, I just felt Rarity withholding that information gave Rapid a better reason to hang around her. Plus, in MLP season 1 episode 1, she doesn't exactly restrain herself with Twilight.

 

In the meantime, I will work on chapter 2. Thanks again, Rapid Wind.