Daring Do and the Idol of Inamorata

[Page.Turner 940]

This is just a teaser of my Daring Do fan fiction that (hopefully) will get up off the ground! Tell me what you think and whether or not I should continue this? I'm not sure if anyone would be willing to read it. XD

 

Chapter One: Kang Admi

Daring Do –adventurer extraordinaire trapped on the high mountain cliff in the northernmost point in all of Equestria. We find our hero struggling to survive in the frigid climate where freezing winds howl in her ears and her bones rattle and ache with every step she climbs. A massive blizzard was beginning to form and she knew that she either needed to find shelter or die. Luckily, just above her by another twenty feet was a small cave that she could squeeze into but only if she could make it that far. Twenty feet might as well have been twenty miles as Daring Do reached with a trembling hoof to grab a jutting rock- but just as she did, it broke and crumbled beneath the pressure of her weight when she heaved herself up. With a cry of horror lost on the wind she slipped, tumbling down into the dizzying white abyss of snow and rock.

 

She attempted to stretch her frozen wings but with no luck. Her legs flailed aimlessly to grab onto something, anything that might just save her life. But all hope was lost and Daring Do knew in that moment that this adventure was surely to be her last. She began to succumb to the idea of a sweet release when she was stunned by her impact into something large and hairy. Daring Do rolled off the back of the equally confused yeti with a groan; though she was frozen to the very core she still felt the dull sensation on her back which briefly seemed to paralyze her. The large creature turned to see what had hit its back and when his eyes landed on the Pegasus attempting to regain her hoofing, it snarled.

Daring Do gasped from the violent greeting and met the yeti’s eye with a glare of her own. “Kang Admi!” she shouted through the blizzard.

 

“Daring Do. Of all the ponies I find dead on this mountain, you would have to be the first I am happy to see.” His voice was deep and loud, like a lion’s rumble that pierced through the high winds without the need to raise his voice. It was as though he commanded them, parting them with his voice.

 

“If you couldn’t tell, I’m not dead. Actually, it’s your fault! I tip my hat to you!” her body shuddered violently with cold but she smirked ever still.

 

“No, but you will be.”

 

“Hah! In your dreams!” Daring Do charged between Kang’s legs, a move that was not expected by the large snow beast and he roared his rage. The adrenaline pumping through the young pony’s body was enough for her to not only escape the yeti’s presence and disappear into a nearby snow bank, but also to stumble across a hidden cave.

 

There was no time to just lay around. She could still hear Kang’s curses and threats as she proceeded to gather her hooves once more and run. The cave was pitch black and small with a ceiling just high enough that she could make it through if she lowered her head. She didn’t exactly have to run far before colliding with a low hanging stalactite and the knock on her head seemed to help her regain some sense. “Alright, Do,” she whispered to herself, feeling her body begin to thaw as her blood pumped. “Get a hold of yourself. Even if he knew you were in here, he can’t fit. He’s eight feet tall for Pete’s sake!” Daring Do shook her head and sighed. It was time to get herself together and follow through with the plan. The idol of Inamorata was somewhere in this mountain, and if she was lucky, she would find it.

[Finesthour 7,284]

The beginning sounds like the opening to Power Rangers, or Dragon Ball Z. It's a cliche opening, in other words. I don't know if you meant it as such, but the beginning needs to change a bit.

 

"With a cry of horror lost on the wind she slipped, tumbling down into the dizzying white abyss of snow and rock."

It should be-

"With a cry of horror lost in the wind"

 

"She attempted to stretch her frozen wings but with no luck."

This sentence sounds odd. It should be more like-

"She attempted to stretch her frozen wings, but to no avail."

 

"But all hope was lost and Daring Do knew in that moment that this adventure was surely to be her last. She began to succumb to the idea of a sweet release when she was stunned by her impact into something large and hairy."

 

I know this is your story and all, but Daring Do is shown to be a fearless warrior and adventurer. In her character, she would never stop thinking about how to succeed. A little off character here.

 

"She didn’t exactly have to run far before colliding with a low hanging stalactite and the knock on her head seemed to help her regain some sense."

 

Even though this is written in 3rd person, you said it was bitch black in the cave. We shouldn't know what she ran into, greater suspense that way.

 

I'd give this a 3/5 as it stands for now. Work on the errors, and flesh the story out.