OC feedback needed

[Harmonic Revelations 8,835]

So here's my evil OC, Blade, with two of her guards in her castle.

I was writing a backstory too but it sounds bleh to me. I'd really like feedback and advice on improving:

 

 

Shade kingdom is notorious. It is feared and nary spoken of by residents of Equestria, but the border between these two kingdoms lies

just beyond Everfree forest. There noone is happy. They are ruled by the sadistic unicorn blade, she has always opposed all that is good.

Her horn was destroyed long ago when she battled another unicorn when heading to conquer a neighbouring fishing village. Blade is

a horrible and evil unicorn. Noone who has ever seen her has come out unscathed.

 

Along the border her Shadelings patrol, they are soldiers who wear naught but black and purple ceremonial armor. They are loyal

servants of Blade and they make sure no one gets in or out without Blade's permission. They are verocious and skilled fighters.

They obey every order of Blade and they do it without question. The capital of the Shade kingdom is Obsidian Castle, a jet-black and

dark/light purple colored castle that sits in the middle of Shade controlled territory. Every pony who is unlucky enough to be

in Shade kingdom's worst nightmare is going into Obsidian castle. No one except Blade or her guards has ever come out of Obsidian

castle alive.

 

Blade was born in Equestria, unde the name of Moon Flower, however, she was led astray by an unknown evil creature. She was

taught dark magic. Once princess Celestia learned that Moon Flower was using dark magic, she was exiled. Moon Flower had used

a spell to summon swords predominantly, so she dubbed herself "Blade". She had slowly gained territory and followers until she could

consider the Shade domain a kingdom.

 

Noone is brave enough to dare go into Shade territory, not even Celestia, and she wouldn't dare send her guards. The Shade Kingdom

is for the most part ignored, and avoided.

 

 

Comments, feedback, questions?

[The Original 571]

Hmm... not bad, i can't say i'm much of a critic, but this is my personal opinion. Also i don't think your picture is working, that is... if there is one. -edit- nevermind my computer is just crap slow.

Edited November 20, 2012 by Ponyworld Destroyer

[Harmonic Revelations 8,835]

Hmm... not bad, i can't say i'm much of a critic, but this is my personal opinion. Also i don't think your picture is working, that is... if there is one. -edit- nevermind my computer is just crap slow.

 

Do you have any advice on making it better? I am looking to eventually finish it up but I'm not sure what type of things to do to what I already have.

[The Original 571]

Do you have any advice on making it better? I am looking to eventually finish it up but I'm not sure what type of things to do to what I already have.

 

Well, i can't exactly tell you how to make the OC better, you didn't really explain what she is like. Is she just an evil pony who uses dark magic and hates other ponies? If that's the case then i think you need to go into more detail. But if you're looking for advice on the story, then i have nothing to say. I don't find any problems with the story, other than its short.

[That One Techpriest You Used To Know 2,286]

No offense, but I took one look at this picture and thought, Spaceship alien ponies.

 

Heh. Each to there own. I noticed the ponies were made using pony creator.

[Ivory Moth 19]

I just kind of find it strange that the evil guards with demon wings are wearing pink. Doesn't seem that evil. And the colors seem to conflict each other.