My Little Brony: Life in Equestria (Not Finished) Please Read!

[SilverNote 124]

A human has his dreams fullfilled as he is transported into the world of Equestria. But he is new. So will he fit in alright, or will he be thought as a deformed ape? He finds another boy with him, but he has to learn the ways that a human has to live in Equestria. There were three other boys, but they were put into the canterlot dungeons for a reason.

 

Follow Justin Yang in his new life in Equestria,

where he will learn how to fit in with the ponies, learn the magic of friendship, and even go on dangerous quests to save his friends.

 

Click the link to see this Fanfic!: (Just click Chapter One)

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/68597/My-Little-Brony%3A-Life-in-Equestria

 

 

 

Edited December 8, 2012 by OfficialTheDDJBron3

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Well, first off, you've placed what you've written twice.  So that might make people who read this less prone into a reply here, try and edit that double post out.

 

Second, most people do not like self insert stories.  Say what you will, but how it reads, it gives of a self insertion story here.  The only thing more disliked that those are Mary Sue/Marty Stu stories.

 

Third, I write fanfiction stories myself, though I will not post them here since they are more T-M ratings and would most likely ban me from this site.  But from what I've read, you need to change some things. 

First, remove that 'Chapter One - Part One' thing.  I doubt anyone really cares about that, in fact, most of the time when you imply a part, we expect a lengthy chapter which would give reason to parts in a chapter.

On that note, Second, reconsider lengthening your chapters.  That's more or less up to you, but personally, I prefer longer fics that go out of their way to make a huge world full of life, over someone rambling about having a character live with ponies, or just a way too simple slice of life.

 

Now, for what you wrote.  There are some spelling and grammatical errors in your story.  The thing I have problems with is how you go about describing your story.  The most notable, would be your bedding's.  Why do you need to describe them to us, the reader?  Do they have importance in the story or will they be used later as a plot device?  If not, try not to over describe your scene, it just complicates manners when people read them.

 

Instead, describe how the guy is feeling.  He's who we care about as a reader, after all.  If he's not interesting, then we do not care.  That is also a major reason as to why most readers hate self inserts.  Because the writer may, intentional or not, shove their feelings into the character.  Unless you make the reader care, don't do this.

 

And finally, here's a retype of how you could take things in your story.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT THINK this is how it should go.  You may take your story in any direction you feel, just use my retyping as something to think on and maybe look at for future writings. 

 

 

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

 

I open my eyes, sleep slowly casting off of my mind and body.  The darkness of my room forced me to look over at my clock, uncertain of the time.  Six-thirteen a.m.  School would start soon, needed to be ready.  Pushing my blankets away, I slide off the bed, stretching myself awake.  A satisfying crack in my back did just that.

Walking over to my closet, I skimmed over what I would choose as my garb for the day.  My gray and black striped hoodie was a fine choice I thought, taking that.  Placing that aside, I grabbed the rest of my clothing without much thought.  In a drone like fashion, I started undressing and redressing into my clothes.  My thoughts idled off, thinking of school.  The teachers that give us a hard time, the hard lessons and studies they enforce on us.  It got hard at times, sort wish it would go away.

Finishing up, I grab my backpack and head out the room.  Opening my door, it let out a horrid, creaking noise that roared throughout the house.  At least, that's how it appeared to me.  Really, I was the only one that should be awake right now.  My younger sister should be awake soon, we'd both have to leave for the bus after she got herself ready.  Walking to the living room, I looked over at a clock.  Almost six-thirty, when my sister woke up.  Bus came around seven-ten.  Plenty of time to myself, I thought, as I sat myself in front of the computer.  Turning on the lamp for an extra source of light, I pressed the power button of the tower, booting the computer up.

I guess a final note on what I wrote.

 

No, it is not perfect.  There are even mistakes in there I can see after typing, but given I took only five-ten minutes on it, not bad without doing a cleanup on it.

 

Still, just take this as an idea as how you could write it.  And take my criticisms as that, a critical point of view from another source, not as something that another person posted to make fun of your writings.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Hazardus_Havard

[SilverNote 124]

Well, first off, you've placed what you've written twice.  So that might make people who read this less prone into a reply here, try and edit that double post out.

 

Second, most people do not like self insert stories.  Say what you will, but how it reads, it gives of a self insertion story here.  The only thing more disliked that those are Mary Sue/Marty Stu stories.

 

Third, I write fanfiction stories myself, though I will not post them here since they are more T-M ratings and would most likely ban me from this site.  But from what I've read, you need to change some things. 

First, remove that 'Chapter One - Part One' thing.  I doubt anyone really cares about that, in fact, most of the time when you imply a part, we expect a lengthy chapter which would give reason to parts in a chapter.

On that note, Second, reconsider lengthening your chapters.  That's more or less up to you, but personally, I prefer longer fics that go out of their way to make a huge world full of life, over someone rambling about having a character live with ponies, or just a way too simple slice of life.

 

Now, for what you wrote.  There are some spelling and grammatical errors in your story.  The thing I have problems with is how you go about describing your story.  The most notable, would be your bedding's.  Why do you need to describe them to us, the reader?  Do they have importance in the story or will they be used later as a plot device?  If not, try not to over describe your scene, it just complicates manners when people read them.

 

Instead, describe how the guy is feeling.  He's who we care about as a reader, after all.  If he's not interesting, then we do not care.  That is also a major reason as to why most readers hate self inserts.  Because the writer may, intentional or not, shove their feelings into the character.  Unless you make the reader care, don't do this.

 

And finally, here's a retype of how you could take things in your story.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT THINK this is how it should go.  You may take your story in any direction you feel, just use my retyping as something to think on and maybe look at for future writings. 

 

 

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

 

I open my eyes, sleep slowly casting off of my mind and body.  The darkness of my room forced me to look over at my clock, uncertain of the time.  Six-thirteen a.m.  School would start soon, needed to be ready.  Pushing my blankets away, I slide off the bed, stretching myself awake.  A satisfying crack in my back did just that.

 

Walking over to my closet, I skimmed over what I would choose as my garb for the day.  My gray and black striped hoodie was a fine choice I thought, taking that.  Placing that aside, I grabbed the rest of my clothing without much thought.  In a drone like fashion, I started undressing and redressing into my clothes.  My thoughts idled off, thinking of school.  The teachers that give us a hard time, the hard lessons and studies they enforce on us.  It got hard at times, sort wish it would go away.

 

Finishing up, I grab my backpack and head out the room.  Opening my door, it let out a horrid, creaking noise that roared throughout the house.  At least, that's how it appeared to me.  Really, I was the only one that should be awake right now.  My younger sister should be awake soon, we'd both have to leave for the bus after she got herself ready.  Walking to the living room, I looked over at a clock.  Almost six-thirty, when my sister woke up.  Bus came around seven-ten.  Plenty of time to myself, I thought, as I sat myself in front of the computer.  Turning on the lamp for an extra source of light, I pressed the power button of the tower, booting the computer up.

 

I guess a final note on what I wrote.

 

No, it is not perfect.  There are even mistakes in there I can see after typing, but given I took only five-ten minutes on it, not bad without doing a cleanup on it.

 

Still, just take this as an idea as how you could write it.  And take my criticisms as that, a critical point of view from another source, not as something that another person posted to make fun of your writings.

Yeah... you're better than me at writing, but I'll get better. Thanks for showing me that I need to practice harder now... ;D Although I do hate these kind of comments, I do learn from them

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Yeah... you're better than me at writing, but I'll get better. Thanks for showing me that I need to practice harder now... ;D Although I do hate these kind of comments, I do learn from them

I just have a little more experience at writing.  I've done some college courses, and have been writing fanfic stories to improve my writing for a few months now.  I also nitpick at other peoples stories, seeing where things go wrong or could be improved, for my own needs on improving my own writing.

 

If you ever need some feedback again, just give me a message, I'll try and pick up as soon as I can do so.