writing Nosebleeds

[Kazuki Fuse 534]

A poem I wrote recently that basically recounts some moments of my younger years that I'm not proud of. It's pretty personal to me, but I figured I'd post it here since none of you know me in real life.

 

(Also, I've been sober 3 and a half years now. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Hard drugs aren't worth it. There's better things in life.)

 

- - -

 

nosebleeds

 

- - -
 

finally you wake up

in a parking space behind burger king

jacket wet from an oil slick

and there are people standing above you

some of your friends

 

"christ, i thought you were dead," one of them says

but these weren't the friends you were with before

"i'm sorry, but please don't tell anybody you found me here. please."

"uh, no problem."

"are you ok?"

"you think you could watch me? make sure i don't pass out again?"

"yeah, all right. just follow us."

you're sorry to take up any space at all

but you aren't really sorry, just scared

you asshole

the last thing you remember

it was still daylight

you were on the other side of town

starting to come down

and you asked for more

the two of you did a few more pills

then a lot more pills

it's the little things

six hour gaps in your memory

wandering around the laundromat with the fluorescent lights beating on your nosebleeds

the listless stares of people around you

wondering what the hell

this kid's only fifteen

he's sleeping in a parking lot?

and he's got dilated pupils, nosebleeds

jesus, he's shaking, why's he shaking?

 

they make you tell yourself

this is the last time

this is the last time, i swear

i'm quitting

 

all these things you thought you could quit

you can quit anytime

 

 

well you thought you could quit