New Model Army, a FEAR Xover

[hereTill6 4]

*pokes head through curtain, looks 'round before jumping out*

 

Alrighty then! Hey all!

 

Doing a little advertising here for a fic I've got going on Fimfiction.net, hoping to get it a little more exposure. Yay shameless self-promotion!

 

So I was thinking to myself while on a weekend-long FEAR bender (the first game)...

 

'Ya' know what'd be hilarious? An army of these mindless, gun-totting drones in idyllic Equestria! That'd really throw those ponies for a loop!'

 

BOOM! A 'New Model Army' was born. Yeah, I'm pretty much doing this for teh lulz. But hopefully in a compelling way!

 

Well, enough gabbing out of me, here's the link:

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/88702/new-model-army

 

And here's the summary, just to give you an idea of it:

 

"Eager to vindicate herself about her steadfast belief in the fabled existence of humans, Lyra turns to a "special interests" firm to acquire a prime specimen of the legendary bipeds. Or two. Or three. Or four. Or a dozen. Or a thousand..."

 

Hope you find it a fun read! 'Cuz I rewrote the damned thing like three times now.

 

Rated Teen for some violence and swearing.

 

Oh yeah! And if you have an account on Fimfiction, feel free to leave a comment! Generic praise, scathing criticism, that I'm seriously messed up for trying to meld the ultra-violence of FEAR with pastel-colored ponies, whatever! I'd really appreciate it!

Edited April 16, 2013 by hereTill6

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

 

 

Well, looking at your story, I was... to be honest, not expecting anything interesting.  Crossovers have a tendency of going off the deep end, never really writing an appropriate story at all.  One of the few stories I know of that does it well enough is An Irish Nomad's "It Ain't Easy Praising The Sun". http://www.fimfiction.net/story/49185/it-aint-easy-praising-the-sun

 

Yes, he has problems splitting up his paragraphs properly and a few other errors.  Overall, his story is a lot of fun to read.  Looking at your story, I didn't expect much like I've said before.  But then I saw you're writing it in a comedic approach (whether you mean to or not), and with my favorite BG pony, Lyra.  I also write a story almost akin to yours, that being a Lyra centric story with a human involved, but in a different approach and not a crossover.  You have me interested. 

 

Also, it seems you have a bit of comedy splashed on the first chapter.  Seeing as this whole story is just plain silly to even exist (F.E.A.R. crossover with MLP...) I'd advise trying some comedy here.  If you do, add in the comedy tag.

 

Reading the first chapter, I'm surprised you keep the reader interested by having interesting pieces placed.  You also show and not tell, which is a great thing to see.  Most writers never do that.  The first chapter is an extremely entertaining, enjoyable read.

 

Now... for the problems.

 

First off, you seem to have the very same problem I did when I first started out.  If you read my stuff, you might know what I'm talking about.

 

Past/present tensing of words.  In fact, I'm certain even after cleaning my own stuff, there's still some there.  For your story, you also have this.  Your stuff in purple, mine in red.  Examples as shown -

 

 

She was quite familiar with the company

 

She was?  So she's not anymore?  You mean is.  And don't forget to contract!

 

She's quite familiar with the company

 

X-X-X

 

She had been staring at it for a few minutes now,

 

Had is past, has is present.  Contracting it turns it into another 'she's'.  And yes, you can contract the word has, but only in certain circumstances.  Just use common sense on how people commonly speak.

 

She's been staring at it for a few minutes now,

 

X-X-X

 

The Trottingham-based “special interests firm” was quite popular among the country’s nobility

 

 

Was means it used to be.  Is means it currently is.

 

 

The Trottingham-based “special interests firm” is quite popular among the country’s nobility

 

X-X-X

 

I would recommend going over your stuff and fixing them where you can.  There's a few other errors, such as spelling 'Alfa' when you mean 'Alpha'.  These errors are also in chapters two and three, just so you know.  Other than that, there isn't many errors in your work.  The first chapter is really fun to read.  Good job.

 

~X~

 

The second chapter... it's got some bigger problems.  The obvious ones are what I told you up above.  The big one is it's so... dry.  It's boring.  You also reverted into the tell, not show.  What happened?  First chapter is fun to read, next one reads off like a fact sheet on things to do and get done.  I get you're setting things up for later, but you could've added in some interesting things to help move the chapter along. 

 

Like what?  Well, you could've had some of the characters talking back and forth on what was there instead of just telling us.  This could've been a good chance to characterize your units for later on.  Maybe one of the commanders have a strange quirk, like talking to himself constantly like no ones even there, saying how the units are horrible or how he wishes to be elsewhere from how bad they are.  Or maybe one of the troops, Foxtrot Company for example, has a habit of posing after finishing each job or even in the middle of each job due to their previous owner having trained them to do just that.  If you do plan on writing comedy here, make it comedic!  But keeping it realistic while not going over the limit into the idiotic zone keeps things fresh, moving, and fun to read.  You don't have to do it like I mentioned, but I would still advise some interaction between them and having them talk about the rooms instead of having us read what the see.  It's boring otherwise.

 

You could've also added in some interesting things for fun.  Maybe when they go into a room, they see important stuff, the building materials they find, while also seeing that the walls are adorned with pony-model calenders left and right, posing in them in an erotic manner.  The ultimate comedic thing would have them talk about it, and yet not reacting like those darn anime's with those stupid nose bleeds. 

 

The following is just an example of this.  I am setting it up like the Bravo unit is the only one that talks like this.  Maybe the other units actually speak in a human way, but the Bravo unit talks like this because of their previous training.

 

 

"How strange, they appear to be modeling in a very erotic manner.  Why, this one is lying on her back while wearing what appears to be panties."

 

"I see that as well.  And how quaint, it appears that I have a protrusion in my pants all of a sudden."

 

"I believe the proper term for that is a boner, commander."

 

"Strange, it appears that they are attractive for me.  It must be their humanesque appearance and erotic poses."

 

"That must be it, commander.  An appropriate reaction in a human fashion would be for me to either join you in this or be against.  Seeing as I don't have a boner at the moment and do not see them as attractive for now, I feel I am not with you on this, commander.  An appropriate response would be for me to call you a bothersome twat, or an idiot for being attracted to what would appear to be an equine race."

 

"And my response would be to order you to clear out this room on your own, for I am attracted to them and I do not like the name calling.  Along with being your superior, I am entitled to do just that."

 

"I am upset at your actions, but I must do as ordered since I am under your command.  I will most likely talk behind your back, so you know."

 

"Duly noted.  I also order you to bring me all these calenders to my private chambers."

 

"For personal study, I assume?"

 

"... Yes."

 

This is just an example of a comedic approach to how they can interact.  Thinking on this, I will most likely use something like this for my own story since this is too damn good to pass up from doing so.

 

X-X-X

 

Just think of ways to help spice things up.  Maybe one room has something menacing, like pony versions of weapons, but they're made to look frilly.  Things that spice stuff up and interest a reader helps add in things you need to without it being a chore to read.  If you're going to write something, even if it's needed and feels boring, make it interesting for us to read. 

 

I skipped a lot of chapter two because of this, just so you know.  The only truly interesting part was near the end with Lyra's interaction with them.  Your F.E.A.R. characters are so boring, dry, and uninteresting.  I could care less about them.  Make me want to care about them.  Give them character.  Doing that, you'll have a truly great story on your hands.

 

~X~

 

The third chapter picks up real quick, making the reader (myself) eager to read more.  There are a few problems though that keep me from seeing this in a realistic sense.

 

The first and foremost is the guns.  The ponies don't know, or shouldn't anyways, what they are or what they can do.  Having a small presentation would be in order so they have a reason to be fearful of them, or at least to Bon Bon.  Dash, she doesn't need one since she also had a knife to her, so it's excusable for her not to. 

 

Second, I do hope you have Lyra acting smart here.  At least, smart enough to know what would be needed, such as ordering a current 'Do not shoot to kill, or even shoot to harm' order seeing as the humans there seem willing to shoot to protect Lyra or even themselves.  Other orders may be needed.

 

Another thing.  Equines do in fact eat meat.  It's just that they're not predators, so they don't hunt for it.  They're the prey type.  But if given the meat, they'll eat it.  http://horsetalk.co.nz/2012/04/17/horses-as-meat-eating-killers/#.UQcYFmcmx8G  Your story seems okay at the moment with the whole meat idea, but I figured I'd give you that for future ideas.

 

The ending seemed a tad much though.  You should've at least had Lyra try and order them to do something that no normal being would usually do, proving that she's in control and they wouldn't do harm to them.  Maybe have them do some synchronized dancing, or something equally as weird.  Afterwards, if you still want Dash to be knocked out, have her still acting hostile and wanting the three of them to still stay away (maybe continuing to call Lyra a loony), then knocking her out.  It would end on a lighter note, and even more fun.  Still, chapter three seems fine and refreshing from the previous bore that was chapter two.

 

~X~

 

I do hope whatever you do with the next chapter, it doesn't go over the limit.  Unless you have Lyra order them what I mentioned up above, and soon, I can almost see them shooting at the ponies or injuring them in a bad way that wouldn't be very fun, turning this story to a Dark tag.  And hopefully, what I said here is helpful in some way to you.