The re-writing of "My Lil' Vinyl"

[Count Paradox 3,548]

Hey everyone. Paradox here, come to tell you the great news in case you haven't seen my blog: I've decided to start writing "My Lil' Vinyl" again. But this time will be different. I have re-written the first three chapters, and I will be starting the fourth soon.
 
I have started this topic so that everyone can see my fanfic instead of just me sticking it in my blog. And in fact, the first part of my first chapter has finally been typed up. I'll post it here for your rage'enjoyment.
 
Just realise that this first part doesn't really contain a lot of pony stuff yet. Don't get angry about that, there will be ponies, trust me.
 

Chapter 1



The young man stood on the front porch of his new house as the light breeze rustled his blonde hair. The breeze also carried dust with it, which clung to his rectangular glasses. He removed them and cleaned them with the tail end of his shirt. After inspecting them, he placed them back on his face and breathed in the clean, crisp air of the countryside. You’ve been lucky to find such a great house, Tristan. And for some pretty damn low rent, too! He thought, smiling to himself as he looked over the nearby wheat fields.

The house itself was a bit big, but to Tristan, it was just the right size. It was a two-story house, which consisted of a ground floor and an unfinished basement for protection against inclement weather. It sat on a little bit of an incline, with a view of some of the most beautiful fields Tristan had ever seen.

In front of his house, a thin, dirt road snaked far away in both directions. The only way that anyone could tell it ended was that you could see the city in the distance to the East. And on the road in front of his house on the thin, dirt road sat an old, white car, rusted a bit near the bottom and wheels and missing paint here and there on its body. It happened to belong to one of Tristan’s best friends, Gregory.

Greg ran his hand through his red mop of hair and adjusted his glasses as he walked up the driveway and said, “Nice, man, you finally did it. You finally got out of your parent’s house!”

“Foster parents…” Tristan quickly replied. “They were just foster parents.”

“Oh, heh, yeah…” Greg ran his hand through his hair again, a little embarrassed. “I kinda forgot. You really didn’t like them, did you?”

Tristan’s mouth became a hard, thin line, and he said, “No, not really. I mean, you really wouldn’t like your family if they never accepted anything that you did, now, would you?”

“No… I guess not…” Greg was antsy, and his face turned red. He hated talking about things like this, and always made it a point to quickly change the subject. “So, uh, what did you call me for? Did you need some help or something?”

His face softened, and Tristan smiled. “Oh, yeah, I had the movers bring my stuff over earlier, and now I need help setting it up.” Greg groaned about this. “Oh, shut up, I’ll buy you a pizza later to pay you back.” He turned and opened the door. “C’mon, come inside.” He walked in as Greg followed.

The inside of the house was just as nice as the outside. The front door opened up into a little parlor, which led into a fair-sized living room. It looked like the movers had left all of Tristan’s belongings here, and that made it very, very cluttered. In the nearby kitchen and dining room, a table was placed off to one side, with a few boxes stacked on top of the matching chairs. The hallway on the far side of the living room that led to the bedrooms contained a few more boxes and a standing lamp. The spare and guest bedrooms were completely bare, but the master bedroom had the pieces of a bed set up against the wall and a dresser had been shoved in a corner. The small bathroom at the end of the hall only held a single box, which was labeled “Bathroom Stuff.”

Greg whistled low and looked over all of it. “Damn, dude, I never realized that you had so much junk!”

“Hey!”

He laughed. “What? I was only joking! So… I guess I can stick around for a bit. Where do you wanna start?”

Tristan brohoofed him. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.” He glanced around the living room. “Well… Why don’t we just start in here?” He picked up a box. “C’mon, let’s get started…”

 

[WingMcCallister 368]

Sweet deal, I like the description, and the setup is well edited. I wouldn't say I'm angry about the lack of pony stuff. My only comment on that subject is the brohoof at the end of the chapter stuck out as a little out of place. 

 

Good luck with the rewrite. Whoosh!

[YellowXephos 3]

Hey that's cool man! good luck with the rewriting! if you do this it might just well be as popular as My Little Dashie! Man, I wish they did an anmiation of that

[Count Paradox 3,548]

@WingMcCallister

that's not the first chapter, thats a SECTION of the first chapter, silly!!!

 

@YellowXephos

thank you, although i doubt it will be. and they are making a movie.

[WingMcCallister 368]

@WingMcCallister

that's not the first chapter, thats a SECTION of the first chapter, silly!!!

 

@YellowXephos

thank you, although i doubt it will be. and they are making a movie.

Mah bad. Either way, I never saw the blog, so it'll be interesting to see what happens. Lolz, I may have to jump in with some fanfic action myself. All this writing is poking my imagination. 

[Quilava 1,290]

Good work, however I would like to point some (maybe quite a few) changes that >>I<< would make (sorry if I seem a bit harsh about this, I tend to be quite easily annoyed by the little things and only wish to help :3)

 

"The breeze also carried dust with it, which clung to his rectangular glasses. He removed them and cleaned them with the tail end of his shirt"

Doesn't feel that it works (note, all these are MY opinions/feelings). Could be rewritten to: "He removed his rectangular glasses, and cleaned off the bits of dust the breeze had left behind using the tail end of his shirt." 

 

"You've been lucky to find such a great house Tristan. And for some pretty damn low rent, too!"

Even if he's talking to himself, should still be in quotations, italics are also used commonly for thoughts . Could also change "too" to "as well"

 

 "And on the road in front of his house on the thin, dirt road sat an old, white car, rusted a bit near the bottom and wheels and missing paint here and there on its body."

This one hurt me the most. Mentioned road twice in the same context. "Along the dirt road in front of his house, sat an old, white car, rusted a bit around the bottom and wheels, as well as missing bits of paint here and there along the body." <- Flows a bit more

 

 "...adjusted his glasses as he walked up the driveway and said...."

This one is a complete personal preferance, nothing wrong with the way you wrote it. Get rid of "and said" at the end of the sentence and stop it there. Start up a new line with Greg talking (implies that he's talking as walks) and maybe add a bit of emotion to Greg/his face.

 

 "Greg groaned about this."

>"Greg let out a grunt upon hearing this." This just felt put in. Didn't flow well (probably will be seeing "Flow" a lot :| )

 

"...had left all of Tristan's belongings here, and that made it very, very cluttered."

Just a slight tweak. Possible changes could be swapping "here" for "there",  and changing "and that made it very, very cluttered"  to "which made it quite/incredibly cluttered".

 

Overall though, good work~ (Again, I'm sorry if I come off as being overly critical/harsh. Only trying to help you put out the best )

Edited April 19, 2013 by Lugia

[Count Paradox 3,548]

 

i'm not able to open the spoiler you've posted, because i'm on my psp and it won't allow me to. could you take the spoiler away so i could see it?

 

 

wow, heh, i didn't realise i made a few mistakes... i'll probably change a few of them when i get a chance to get to a computer. definitely have to change that part about the road.

[Count Paradox 3,548]

Ok then the second part of chapter 1 is done with being typed up. Here, I'll post it for you all.

 

 

 

Tristan finally setting up his room as he put the last of his clothes into his dresser about three hours after he and Greg had started. He swept his hand through his sweaty hair, adjusted his glasses, and smiled. “Finally, all done.” He flopped back onto his bed and relaxed.

Greg walked into the room with a box and said, “Don’t get comfortable just yet, we have one last box to take care of.” He dropped it onto the foot of the bed as Tristan sat up to see what it was.

Scrawled on the side of the box in black sharpie was one word: “PONIES.” A grin slowly spread itself across Tristan’s face, and he hurriedly pulled the box to him. “Oh, MAN, I can’t believe I almost forgot about this stuff!” He ripped open the top flaps and started to pull all kinds of things out, one by one. Random blindbag ponies, a binder full of cards, store-bought plushies, buttons, hats, wristbands, drawings, and a t-shirt with his two favorite ponies, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia.

Greg looked on at the procured items with interest and said, “Wow, you have quite a bit of stuff there. I mean, you really don’t have as much as me, but…” He wore a smug look on his face, and Tristan rolled his eyes and punched him in the shoulder. “Ow!” He laughed. “Hey, it’s true! But anyways, why are you so excited about getting your pony stuff out?”

“Well…” Began Tristan as he picked up his stuff and started setting them up on his dresser, “For one thing, it’s ponies…” Which elicited a shrug and a nod from Greg, “And for another, like I’ve always told you, my foster parents never accepted the fact that I am a brony, so I always had to hide these from them. Well, everything except for the shirt. Hell, I was barely lucky enough to talk them into letting me get it, and they never let me wear it out!”

Greg facepalmed and sighed, shaking his head. “Jeez… You’d think they’d be a little more accepting, seeing as you all aren’t really related…” He looked at the group of things that Tristan had set up. “So, lemme guess…” He picked up a blindbag pony and examined it. “Your foster parents never even let you buy those Vinyl and Tavi plushies that you saw online, huh?”

Tristan flopped back onto his bed and sighed. “No.” He said. “They had always thought that they were way too girly for a big guy like me to have. I tried everything I could think of to get them to let me buy them! Arguing, begging, bribing, I tried them all, and nothing worked! I couldn’t even talk them into letting me buy at least just one of them, like Vinyl! But they NEVER LISTENED!” He sat up, grabbed a pillow, and threw it across the room where it hit the lamp and knocked it over.

Greg walked over to the lamp and set it back up. “Well, you don’t live with them now, do ya’?” He asked.

“No, of course not. Why?”

“Well, now you have the freedom to buy whatever the hell you want! Go out and order those plushies!”

Tristan looked at Greg with a bland look on his face. “I would… But you’ve got to remember, I’ve just started renting a house. On my paycheck. My tiny. Little. Paycheck. And most of that tiny little paycheck is going to rent, with the rest towards gas and food. I have no money whatsoever to buy stuff that I really want.”

Oh, yeah, heh… I kinda forgot.” He grinned sheepishly.

“And…” Tristan said as he got up from the bed and walked over to Greg, “Speaking of my tiny little paycheck, I have to go to the place where I work for it and do my job.”

“The monkey suit guy at the zoo?” Greg snickered.

“Har-de-har-har, very funny, smartass. Now, you have to leave so I can get ready for work.”

“Ok, ok.” He said as he was ushered to the front door. “Have fun at Wally World!”

Tristan just rolled his eyes and said, “Bye, dude.” He quickly shoved him out of the door and shut it so no more smartassed comments could be made. “Finally, time to get ready.” He headed for his room.





 

 

 

 

[WingMcCallister 368]

My little Vinyl...

My little Vinyl...

 

My little Vinyl,

would you please stop scratchin' my CDs?

      My little Vinyl 

why don't you try it with these?

 

Dual LPs, spinning 'round.

Take those hooves and mix it down

Look at that, you've got the beat

And the Bass Cannon makes it all complete.

 

My little Vinyl Scratch... 

 

Hmmm, apparently, I could not resist. *facehoof*

[Count Paradox 3,548]

My little Vinyl...

My little Vinyl...

 

My little Vinyl,

would you please stop scratchin' my CDs?

      My little Vinyl 

why don't you try it with these?

 

Dual LPs, spinning 'round.

Take those hooves and mix it down

Look at that, you've got the beat

And the Bass Cannon makes it all complete.

 

My little Vinyl Scratch... 

 

Hmmm, apparently, I could not resist. *facehoof*

omfg this made my freaking day. you, sir, have just won all of my internets! congragulations! but seriously, that was epically funny, where did you find it? or did you make it yourself?

[WingMcCallister 368]

omfg this made my freaking day. you, sir, have just won all of my internets! congragulations! but seriously, that was epically funny, where did you find it? or did you make it yourself?

Just made it up right now. yay I wons the internets. My brain had a random moment and produced ridiculousness. It happens sometimes.

[Count Paradox 3,548]

Just made it up right now. yay I wons the internets. My brain had a random moment and produced ridiculousness. It happens sometimes.

well it was awesome to say in the least. i can't stop laughing about how randomly epic it was. hmm, maybe it could be used to make an epic theme song for a new tv show or something. XD

[WingMcCallister 368]

well it was awesome to say in the least. i can't stop laughing about how randomly epic it was. hmm, maybe it could be used to make an epic theme song for a new tv show or something. XD

That would be quite epic, and then I would laugh quite a bit myself -- or hell would immediately freeze over. Something like that anyway. 

[Count Paradox 3,548]

That would be quite epic, and then I would laugh quite a bit myself -- or hell would immediately freeze over. Something like that anyway. 

well, whatever would happen, it would be epic anyways. you should find someone to actually make it into a song for you, like the guy who is making OC theme songs. i bet he wouldn't mind doing this for ya.

[WingMcCallister 368]

well, whatever would happen, it would be epic anyways. you should find someone to actually make it into a song for you, like the guy who is making OC theme songs. i bet he wouldn't mind doing this for ya.

That would actually be pretty funny.... just to hear it all played out and stuff. Blow peoples minds because I'm a lyricist. *bold faced lies*

[Count Paradox 3,548]

That would actually be pretty funny.... just to hear it all played out and stuff. Blow peoples minds because I'm a lyricist. *bold faced lies*

well, honestly, it would be a good idea. just, like, go to the request lounge and look for someone who'se doing music, and ask them to do it for you. i mean, they are good rhyming skills you got there, and to make a song outta that would be cool. heck, i'd even want ta use it as the theme song for My Lil' Vinyl!

[WingMcCallister 368]

well, honestly, it would be a good idea. just, like, go to the request lounge and look for someone who'se doing music, and ask them to do it for you. i mean, they are good rhyming skills you got there, and to make a song outta that would be cool. heck, i'd even want ta use it as the theme song for My Lil' Vinyl!

I'll have to do that I guess. Since it's based on the theme track, it'd probably be pretty easy for someone to record it and add the lols.

[Count Paradox 3,548]

I'll have to do that I guess. Since it's based on the theme track, it'd probably be pretty easy for someone to record it and add the lols.

yup, seems that way to me, at least. all they'd have to do is make it a bit more wubsier, and viola! instant awesomeness for a theme song

[WingMcCallister 368]

yup, seems that way to me, at least. all they'd have to do is make it a bit more wubsier, and viola! instant awesomeness for a theme song

Just imagine the bass cannon action up in there. I guess I'll have to go poke the boards... or maybe just post a request in the right section. 

[Count Paradox 3,548]

Just imagine the bass cannon action up in there. I guess I'll have to go poke the boards... or maybe just post a request in the right section. 

*le shrug* well, whatever you do, man, it'll be good. and if you can't get anyone to pay attention to your request, just find a musician and PM them. just don't, like, spam poor Freewave or something.

[WingMcCallister 368]

*le shrug* well, whatever you do, man, it'll be good. and if you can't get anyone to pay attention to your request, just find a musician and PM them. just don't, like, spam poor Freewave or something.

Well, I posted a request in the magic request section. lol Let's see if anyone bites on the crazy. I'd be uber amused if someone did. 

[Count Paradox 3,548]

Well, I posted a request in the magic request section. lol Let's see if anyone bites on the crazy. I'd be uber amused if someone did. 

well, you just never know. someone out there might think it's a great idea and totally want to make it for you, just stay hopeful, dude!

[WingMcCallister 368]

well, you just never know. someone out there might think it's a great idea and totally want to make it for you, just stay hopeful, dude!

I think you'd be more stoked than I would. lol Theme song for the fanfic.   

 

I really need to write something. My imagination is uber prodded after all that work I had to do.

[Count Paradox 3,548]

I think you'd be more stoked than I would. lol Theme song for the fanfic.   

 

I really need to write something. My imagination is uber prodded after all that work I had to do.

well, I am excited, but I don't think I need to be like OMGWTFBBQPIZZA excited, y'know? it'll happen if it happens, just gotta be patient.

[WingMcCallister 368]

well, I am excited, but I don't think I need to be like OMGWTFBBQPIZZA excited, y'know? it'll happen if it happens, just gotta be patient.

lol but I'd be infinitely more amused if you were OMGWTFBBQPIZZA excited. lol Don't forget the bag of chips either. It does a body good.