Anyone Want to Proof-Read a Short CMC Story?

[FoxyCryptid 4,330]

I dd this story about the CMC getting into Poison Joke a while back for a writing challenge, anyone want to look it over and see if it looks good for posting?

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1d94cVRBXl8hIdr_jHv_6yQlvqu09zrvfK1zo3vJSR7I/edit

 

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Okay, I'm looking over the document.  Is this challenge for a competition that you're entering, or is it to challenge your own writing skills? 

Okay, I commented on everything that I saw the first time around.  I'd recommend changing them and then reading it over yourself to see how that works. 

 

Also, I'd also recommend adding in some additional things, like maybe having their trek through the Everfree  to Zecora's hut written out.  This would help the overall story so it's more entertaining.  Maybe even adding the three go off trying something new in another attempt at a cutie mark. 

 

Finally, why are they at Zecora's in the first place?  While not needed, by adding in some more detail in the beginning of your story as to why they're in the forest in the first place (most likely an attempt to get a cutie mark as usual) would help this story out.

[FoxyCryptid 4,330]

Okay, I'm looking over the document.  Is this challenge for a competition that you're entering, or is it to challenge your own writing skills? 

 

Okay, I commented on everything that I saw the first time around.  I'd recommend changing them and then reading it over yourself to see how that works. 

 

Also, I'd also recommend adding in some additional things, like maybe having their trek through the Everfree  to Zecora's hut written out.  This would help the overall story so it's more entertaining.  Maybe even adding the three go off trying something new in another attempt at a cutie mark. 

 

Finally, why are they at Zecora's in the first place?  While not needed, by adding in some more detail in the beginning of your story as to why they're in the forest in the first place (most likely an attempt to get a cutie mark as usual) would help this story out.

It wasn;t a contest, it was more of "everyone put a writing que in the mix, and we'll mix deal them back out at random", and mine was "The CMC get into Poison Joke". So it was more of a exercise type challenge. It was between us regulars in the Tvtropes ponyfic thread.

 

Also, why are correcting my tense to first person when the story is written in second person. You're doing very well on finding other errors, but I don't think changing the tense of the story needs to be done. 

Edited May 12, 2013 by Shoboni

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

It wasn;t a contest, it was more of "everyone put a writing que in the mix, and we'll mix deal them back out at random", and mine was "The CMC get into Poison Joke". So it was more of a exercise type challenge. It was between us regulars in the Tvtropes ponyfic thread.

 

Also, why are correcting my tense to first person when the story is written in second person. You're doing very well on finding other errors, but I don't think changing the tense of the story needs to be done. 

You do know that second perspective writing involves the 'you' in it, correct?

 

You walk down the street, curious as to where the singing is coming from.  "Just where is she?" you ask yourself out loud.  "It's so dark to see where it's coming from."

 

That's in the second person, which I write my story in here - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70801/an-alien-walks-amongst-us

 

I write a lot of my work in the second person, though I can write in both first and third as well.  What you were writing in is considered third person, which involves he, she, him, and her to start off with.

 

Also, I got hammered hard on my own past/present tense when it came to writing.  When writing, always consider what you're doing and if it's the now, or if it's already happened.

 

Her eyes were transfixed on the cauldron now embedded in her ceiling.

 

I'll use this as an example for you.  You use 'were', but that means she's not looking at it anymore.  So where's she looking now?  If it's happening in the present as your reader is reading, it should be 'are'.

 

That's why I changed the tensing in your work, because it made more sense as a present story.  Now, this could all change if someone was telling this story to someone and you made sure that this was shown as a narration, but that would be more work to do instead of just changing it to a present tense work.

Edited May 12, 2013 by Hazardus_Havard

[FoxyCryptid 4,330]

You do know that second perspective writing involves the 'you' in it, correct?

 

You walk down the street, curious as to where the singing is coming from.  "Just where is she?" you ask yourself out loud.  "It's so dark to see where it's coming from."

 

That's in the second person, which I write my story in here - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70801/an-alien-walks-amongst-us

 

I write a lot of my work in the second person, though I can write in both first and third as well.  What you were writing in is considered third person, which involves he, she, him, and her to start off with.

 

Also, I got hammered hard on my own past/present tense when it came to writing.  When writing, always consider what you're doing and if it's the now, or if it's already happened.

 

Her eyes were transfixed on the cauldron now embedded in her ceiling.

 

I'll use this as an example for you.  You use 'were', but that means she's not looking at it anymore.  So where's she looking now?  If it's happening in the present as your reader is reading, it should be 'are'.

 

That's why I changed the tensing in your work, because it made more sense as a present story.  Now, this could all change if someone was telling this story to someone and you made sure that this was shown as a narration, but that would be more work to do instead of just changing it to a present tense work.

 Sorry, brain-fart(I spent two and a half hours this evening fighting with a riding lawn mower and trying to get he lawn done, so I'm out of it)  I meant tenses, as In I'm writing in past tense because I once wrote 11K words in present tense and it was a massive *squee* and resulted in all that being scrapped. 90% of lit is written in past tense because it's far easier. 

 

In fact, I just glanced at a Stephen King book and it's written in past-tense. 

Edited May 12, 2013 by Shoboni

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

 Sorry, brain-fart(I spent two and a half hours this evening fighting with a riding lawn mower and trying to get he lawn done, so I'm out of it)  I meant tenses, as In I'm writing in past tense because I once wrote 11K words in present tense and it was a massive *squee* and resulted in all that being scrapped. 90% of lit is written in past tense because it's far easier.

 

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.  Want to know why it's easier?  It's because you're writing it as if you're currently seeing it happen.  Not in a literal sense, more like you're there to witness the event and you're writing it down.  That's actually a bad habit to have.  I apparently had it for many years and only just recently in the past few months learned to get out of it. 

 

Unless you're writing your stuff in past for a reason, do it in present since the actions are happening in the story as they're being read.  An example for a reason to write it in past is if you're writing it like someone's telling the story to another person, so it then turns the story into a narrative piece.  But since you're writing this as a current event, it should be written in present.  Yes, it takes more work keeping correct.  The overall writing though, it'll definitely make it easier to read and better to understand.

[FoxyCryptid 4,330]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.  Want to know why it's easier?  It's because you're writing it as if you're currently seeing it happen.  Not in a literal sense, more like you're there to witness the event and you're writing it down.  That's actually a bad habit to have.  I apparently had it for many years and only just recently in the past few months learned to get out of it. 

 

Unless you're writing your stuff in past for a reason, do it in present since the actions are happening in the story as they're being read.  An example for a reason to write it in past is if you're writing it like someone's telling the story to another person, so it then turns the story into a narrative piece.  But since you're writing this as a current event, it should be written in present.  Yes, it takes more work keeping correct.  The overall writing though, it'll definitely make it easier to read and better to understand.

 

I get the feeling you got bitten into by someone who just didn't like it. It it's no way a bad habit if 90% of published works are written that way. My proof-readers in fact made the opposite complaint because present tense is so clunky and hard to write in a engaging way. 

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

I get the feeling you got bitten into by someone who just didn't like it. It it's no way a bad habit if 90% of published works are written that way. My proof-readers in fact made the opposite complaint because present tense is so clunky and hard to write in a engaging way. 

 

Once again, I agree with you, and on both accounts.  My work as of late used to be proofed by someone that, if you knew him, you'd believe he wrote the entire dictionary by himself and added a few words for good measure.  And yes, past tense is an easier way to write and harder to read if not done properly.  If someone was to practice writing that way however, I think it would make the overall story much more engaging.  It just takes a lot more practice to write in that way, which I am currently doing as of now. 

 

So yeah, I'm not disagreeing with you.  But from what I've learned, present seems to be easier to read, even though at times it can be more difficult to write.

[FoxyCryptid 4,330]

Once again, I agree with you, and on both accounts.  My work as of late used to be proofed by someone that, if you knew him, you'd believe he wrote the entire dictionary by himself and added a few words for good measure.  And yes, past tense is an easier way to write and harder to read if not done properly.  If someone was to practice writing that way however, I think it would make the overall story much more engaging.  It just takes a lot more practice to write in that way, which I am currently doing as of now. 

 

So yeah, I'm not disagreeing with you.  But from what I've learned, present seems to be easier to read, even though at times it can be more difficult to write.

Also, if you have think of past tense this way if there's no framing device, I'm the writer, and I'm telling you the story, so it's in past tense.