New Chapter

[Harmony Spark 265]

 Well, everypony, here is my first chapter of my new fanfic hope u like it

Chapter 1: In Sight

On a bright summery day, Fluttershy trots all around her cottage, feeding all her animal friends. ‘Lunchtime! ’ the pegasus called out and in within a second, cats, mice, flamingos, ferrets, squirrels, chipmunks, ducks and bunnies flooded the cottage. Fluttershy handed out a big pile of food on the floor and the animals gorged on their meal in a greedily manner. Fluttershy then sees Angel and a bunny fighting over one piece of lettuce and stops them by gently saying “Now come on, Angel, why don’t you share the lettuce with your friends?” Angel rudely eats the lettuce, blows a raspberry at the other bunnies and hops off. Fluttershy reassures the sad, hungry rabbits “Don’t worry, bunnies, you can eat Angel’s secret stash he hides when I’m not looking instead.” She shows a huge stack of vegetables to them and the bunnies happily eat the whole pile, while Angel slaps his face with his paw and pulls a jealous look.

Afterwards, Fluttershy is shutting the gate of her chicken coop, when she hears a rustling sound from the edge of the Everfree Forest. “Is-is anypony there?” she cries out nervously. A yip sound was heard. “AAH!” the scared yellow Pegasus yelled and she jumped so high, she landed on a cloud. The Pegasus calmed down and flew to the ground, when all of a sudden; a bright orange coloured wolf cub comes out of the Forest and said to the Pegasus “Hi!” which Fluttershy replied “Oh my, a wolf cub. What are you doing here?”. “My name’s Electra, I’m a Guardian.” she answered. “A Guardian? I never heard of those before...” Electra was amazed, “Wow, really?” she replied. “Now that’s weird. I’d have to get the others to-.” “Oh sorry to interrupt, but there are MORE of you?” questioned Fluttershy, beginning to worry but was confused whether the cub was a friend or foe. “Of course, there are tons of Guardians and it’ll be so cool to introduce us to your friends, Miss?” “Oh- I’m Fluttershy.” the Pegasus timidly answered, worried the cub might eat her, but she wanted to keep Electra in a happy mood. “Great! Now where did my big sis go?” said Electra. “B-B-Big sister?!” Fluttershy stuttered with fear. She knew instantly that these Guardians are carnivorous monsters that wanted to eat all of the ponies. But one part of her mind thought that maybe she should give the young Guardian cub a chance, so Fluttershy thinks about this and then decides to follow Electra, to make sure that nothing goes wrong.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was speeding through the clouds, pulling off “super-extreme-aweso-mazing” tricks to impress the witnessing fillies and colts down below. They roared in applause while the blue Pegasus flies away. “Well, that’s another crowd of my fans pleased. Now to get down to business.” she said to herself and starts her weather patrol throughout Ponyville. Then, out of nowhere, a motorbike engine was heard and out came an electric blue wolf with a puffed mane, who jumped on her motorbike so high that she was eye to eye with Dash. She landed safely back on the ground and drove off. Rainbow was stunned by this wolf’s daredevil spirit “Whoa! That was so cool. As a matter of fact, I could learn a few tricks from this wolf.” she said “WOLF?!” She then realised that the new tomboy was a vicious creature, which confuses the blue Pegasus that why would a wolf ride on a bike and show up in town so friendly? Before Dash can get answers, a gang of Timberwolves show up and start to chase the Pegasus. She flew for her life, but her courage and speed was beaten by the creatures and it seems all hope is lost…

Shortly, the blue wolf arrives on a cliff, facing Dash, shouting “Don’t worry, girl. I’ll take these dimwits down. Watch out!” and she zoomed on her four legs down the cliff and fights the Timberwolves off. She then helps Rainbow to her hooves and introduces herself. “Me name’s Skybolt, what’s yours?” “Uh, Rainbow Dash.” Dash replied sheepishly “Cor, that’s one wicked name!” Skybolt answered “Hey, what’s the matter? You look like you saw a ghost.” “I’m not scared! I’m just a little worried you gonna eat me.” The Pegasus said anxiously. Skybolt howled with laughter. “As if! I’m not gonna eat an awesome pony like yourself. Besides, we Guardians never harm anyone.” she said, reassuring Dash. “That’s what you are?” Rainbow asked. Skybolt replied with a simple yes and then, Electra sprinted towards Skybolt. “Sis! I’ve been looking all over for you!” she said, with an exhausted Fluttershy crawling on the ground. “Hey, Electra. Dash, this is my little sister, Electra.” The wolf said, picking up the cub. “Heh. That’s a cute little squirt ya got there. Bet she got a need for speed!” Dash replied. “(Exhales) the only thing I need is a REST!” said Fluttershy, exhausted and she gets help from Dash. “Oh, Rainbow, I see you’ve met the Guardians.” The yellow Pegasus asked. “YOU k-know them?!” Rainbow faltered. “Oh no, I’ve only met Electra this morning and you are-.” “Skybolt.” The blue wolf said. “I’m Fluttershy and you must be Electra’s mother.” “Sister.” Skybolt corrected the Pegasus.

After an awkward pause, Electra had an idea. “Hey, would you guys like to meet our friends?” she suggested. The ponies looked unsure. “Don’t worry, they’re not gonna eat you.” She added. “Sure.” said Rainbow eagerly. “ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS! THE COAST IS CLEAR! COME ON OUT!” Skybolt yelled to the Forest. Then, hundreds of Guardians flooded the area and in the front was 5 other Guardians, one was coloured violet, one coloured rose, one called neon yellow, one coloured pink and one coloured all white. “Everyone, meet my friends Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Dash, Flutter, meet my friends Misty, Diamond Rose, Vivica, Butterpup and Princess Bianca.” she said. “Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Your Highn-.” “Hey, girls, don’t worry about the whole ‘royal bowing thing’, just be yourselves, besides I HATE people who hide their true nature.” Bianca asked. “I’m begging to like this princess.” Dash whispered to Fluttershy. “What in Equestria is going on here? I heard a yell, loud noises and (gasps).” said Twilight Sparkle, who appears with Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie, who all meet the Guardians for the first time.

“Wha’ in land’s sake are those varmints doin’ in Ponyville?” Applejack asked with a stern face. “Applejack, these are the Guardians. They are lovable, friendly-.” Fluttershy said, “Awesome wolves from the Everfree Forest!” Rainbow interrupted. “Yes, but they’re wolves.” Twilight debated. “Mean, vicious, super-snarly, could- eat-a pony-in one-minute, spit-dribbling, back-biting WOLVES!” Pinkie Pie added, comically standing on Dash’s head and bending her neck to lock eyes with Dash. “Now come on, girls. Shouldn’t we show a little compassion?” Fluttershy retaliated “Yeah, Skybolt here saved my life from Timberwolves an hour ago!” Dash supported. “Girls, we are not the same creatures as the Timberwolves. They’re our enemies.” Princess Bianca said to the ponies. “ENEMIES?!” the mane 6 said.

“Yes. And we’re not from the Everfree Forest. You see, we come from a faraway empire called Caniselia, where me and my mum, Princess Aura ruled over the land for generations. However, a few years ago, a cluster of migrating dragons attacked us. The Royal Guardians tried to fight back with their powers, but the dragons were too strong. Eventually, they burnt the empire to a charred wasteland and for years, we Guardians try to find a new home but since it was filled with other animals, which we thought we could share, but the animals were too scared of us, thinking that we are monstrous beasts. Now, we have no other choice but to give up.” Princess Bianca explained “You see we Guardians are wolves but have the ability to talk and learn to show kindness and love while other wolves show hatred and evil. I understand that you don’t want us to live aside with you ponies.”  She continued. “If you don’t want us to live here, we’ll happily leave if it‘ll make you happy. Come on guys, let’s go.” The princess called out to her subjects and they, all with heavy hearts, walk away. The mane 6 huddle up and ultimately Twilight calls out to the Guardians “Wait a minute, I have decided that you all can stay with us, because you guys have saved Dash’s life and since you’ve such a hard time trying to fit in, we’ll be more than glad to help you.” The alicorn replies and the Guardians cheer and jump for joy. “You know, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.” Twilight said. ‘You’ve said it.” replied Princess Bianca. And with that said, the Guardians and the mane 6 happily go to Ponyville to meet the others. “Oh, just so you know, we DO eat meat as well as other foods.” Princess Bianca adds. “WHAT?!” The mane 6 replied, now beginning to worry whether to trust these creatures or not.

 

 

This is about my Guardians fanfic.in case, you don't know, it's about my creations the Guardians, which are colourful wolves, meet the ponies and this is a drama so the mores the merrier

[sunne 659]

Very interesting. Piqued my interest. Can't wait for the next chapter But you tend to repeat words and at times I'm not sure who is talking.

Also, there are a few grammatical errors and you keep changing tenses. You definitely need a proofreader, and I volunteer

[Harmony Spark 265]

Yes please, you can help me, im good at creative writing but i havent done it in a while so I do appreciate it thanks for reading my fanfic chapter anyway

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 777]

An alright read, but I'd suggest working on format along with what Dawn has said. As of right now it's easy to overwhelm a reader and can even give them mental fatigue. Most users may look at it and think it's a jumbled mess and not give it a go.

 

The fix is simple, just hit return several times and space out those paragraphs a bit. A general rule of thumb is to make a paragraph about 5-7 lines long, then separate it from the next chunk of text. You may also want to look into making the text regular size, so that it can be ingested easier. 

Edited June 9, 2013 by Accellerant

[sunne 659]

Yes please, you can help me, im good at creative writing but i havent done it in a while so I do appreciate it thanks for reading my fanfic chapter anyway

No problem. I will proofread this chapter and send the edited version over ZPM, and you can copy and paste to here. And before you upload more chapters, send them to me so I can proofread them (and so I can be the first to see, mwahahahahahaha >:3 )