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Did you read the whole story?  

5 users have voted

  1. 1. Did you read the whole thing?

    • Read the whole story.
      1
    • Read half of it.
      1
    • Didn't read it, just clicked on it to see what it was like.
      0


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(Still making chapter 3 i didn't know where to post this so... Merp.)

 

Pony Art > Fan Fiction :3 I moved it for you. You can add a prefix tag to your topic too, if your story has a specific genre. Edit your post using the full editor, and you can change the title and add an appropriate prefix.


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Pony Art > Fan Fiction :3 I moved it for you. You can add a prefix tag to your topic too, if your story has a specific genre. Edit your post using the full editor, and you can change the title and add an appropriate prefix.

Thankz ^^ I hope people likez it O_e. I wish there were Mmorpg's MLP out there but rarely any.  *Gives this forum the stare* You better be good..


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  • 2 weeks later...

Be sure to comment what you think! Yes ik there's some errors in the story. I'll be fixing it soon. Btw! After i'm done with this, probably be making another one. Meaning of it'll keep going after this.


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Started book 2 :D I hope you all like it as just like this one. It'll be in a WIP Chapters like this one ETC. Planning to be more chapters than this one probs 10-13


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Everytime i comment on my own Stories, meaning they're updates for Book 2: ETC. Trying to keep these together. Been busy Trying my best to get Chapters done!


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  • 2 weeks later...
(edited)

If you were wondering what Buttershy looked like Well here she! Took me 1 day to draw her Well this is the upgraded on meaning Gen-2 Gen-1 Shall be missed.

 

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Edited by Fredbermudez

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Aw shucks, thanks mate, If I have the time to I will read your stories, and if I find any errors, I will let you know (sorry, growing up with a ex-primary school teacher for a mum has made me in to a grammar-Nazi) 


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(Avatar art done by and Signature art done by @Guardian Braveheart (Aka my little brother), Avatar and Signature done by myself)

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*Sighs* Please bare with me here. Sorry i haven't been updating on the Chapters for book 2 ETC. My dad died yesterday at 5am in the hospital. I'm still trying to get my head out of the gutter. 


Finally finished Chapter 4 on Book 2. Must add more Action a little more.. Ish. Be adding more now and than. Have a nice day, don't forget to smile.


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Finally done with Chapter 5 For Book 2.. Been busy lately.. Went to my dad funeral ETC. School starts next week.. Making it more a pain to finish chapters..


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  • 2 weeks later...

*Sighs* Couldn't stand book 2 on hold.. I had to put some of my work aside to finish it, I won't be able to make anymore stories until next summer.. I hope you all liked them.. *Smiles* 


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  • 2 weeks later...

Yes it says RE-Fixing, i'll be re-reading the whole thing. And fixing the spelling errors, and might fix the sentences. Said this before, This was my *FIRST* Fanfiction that i ever posted on the INT! Thank you all for reading some (Or all) Of my Fanfiction! 


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  • 2 weeks later...

*Sigh* I can't even fix this, the editing is messed up for me. I'll keep on trying, until they reply to my ticket. Anywho, i'll be starting a mini fiction until this whole thing blows over. Its based off of My little Emneisa. Its gonna have the same (DRAGONSHY) In it, this is pretty much telling how he died (Spoliers for book 2:) And how he got back. 


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It has been a long time since I've seen someone write like you do.  It's a combination of script and RP'ing style type of writing, which I personally don't care much for at all.  That type of writing makes it really hard to get immersed into and continue reading.  I'm not here to bag on you or anything, just to provide feedback and ask just why you decided to write like this.

 

I suppose I can also point out some things that made this hard for me to read, starting right at the beginning.

 

 

 (Chaptor one a new begging)

 

Do you really mean "a new begging"?  For some reason, I keep thinking that's a typo and you meant to write "a new beginning".  Unless this is some sort of pun on what's to come?  Is there a reason for typing it like this?  Also, you wrote "chaptor" incorrectly.

 

Chapter One: A New Beginning

 

I bet you think i'm you know a kid, that plays, has friends like other people right?
 
First off, you never gave us any clue that you were a kid, though I'm guessing this is now going to be self insert due to this.  Most people don't tend to assume things, such as the narrator being a kid, unless they're clued in they're a kid.  I would personally change it to person myself and rewrite it around that, but I'm going to assume that for some reason, this is going to be important later on in your story.
 
I bet you think I'm just another kid that plays and has friends like other people... right?
 
Having those commas in the beginning don't help one bit and only jerk the reader around.  The ellipses in the end help add some suspension to the sentence.  The way this was retyped helps the flow of the story instead of, from how it read before, read off like how you spoke.  I would strongly recommend not writing like that, it breaks immersion.
 
Back to the kid part, why bring that up at all?  Unless this is going to be brought up in the future, where people think the main protagonist who also happens to be the narrator of the story is a kid when in fact they are wrong, why is this being brought up?
 
*Laughs*
 
A great way to kill something even more is to write out an action like this: laughs, roars, whinnies, squeals, giggles, and plenty more.  Don't do this.  Instead, write it out so it's more entertaining and goes along with your story, not slamming the breaks with something so jerking like this.
 
I laugh at the very thought!
 
Like if it was even close. You see i'v been to other worlds,
 
This needs a complete rewrite.  Actually read this stuff out loud.  Would this really be how you speak to other people?  Does it come out clearly?  Does it make sense?  Would people clearly know what you are talking about?  You also have to remember to make this entertaining to read, otherwise, you'll lose the reader.
 
No matter what you think, you're not likely to come close to the truth.  You see... I've been to other worlds.
 
Example:
 
Never, ever, ever, ever do this.  This entire thing now feels like a school paper.  If you're going to give examples, then just start giving them, don't put up "Example:" as a way to start that.  And with that...
 
Foissel fighters. ETC.

I've been to 10 worlds already, lets make this 11th? And yes i've made stories to the other ones to. One has got sold on into a news paper,
Others well, Gone.
 
That is not a proper example to what was just said.  Readers would expect you to point out multiple worlds, maybe with something about them.  All you did was give a single example, stated one was... sold into a newspaper, and then moved on.  I'm now more confused than anything.  Saying something about them tells the readers about  who the protagonist is early on and what to possibly expect.
 
From the desert planet Rhyalga, where I toppled an entire empire just to retrieve my stolen gear, to the pirate territory that lay in the Grenalda asteroid fields, all the way to the planet of the Foissel Fighters where I dominated their very best in combat. 
 

 Should we get we started? Hmm Maybe you're not ready for this advendure... Well let me get you filled in,in some of the back story first shall i?

 

This feels really off, like you were trying to find a way to continue your story but wasn't sure how to do it.  Try to continue along with what was just previously written.

 

Many worlds with many adventures... and this tale is about one of those worlds I've just recently visited.
                                                         
                                                         (Time: 10am Place: Somewhere in japan)
 
Places like "japan" should be capitalized.  Also, try and make this look like an actual time stamp, to better immerse people.
 
Location: Earth, Japan, Osaka Suburbs
Time: 1000 Hours
 
Note that this is just one example of how I'd do a time stamp.
 
Fred: *Yawns* Oh... My back, *Wakes up on couch cracks back* Ow... Gam dangit.. I really need to stop sleeping on the couch.. *Sighs* 
I wonder what new games they brought to the manga store.. I hope they brought some good ones, all i see now these days are *Coughs* Not even gonna say it.
*Hears people yelling and screaming outside* What the hay? * Runs to the door and swings it open* * Glares at groups of people* ... * A kid comes running pass me
But he stops and trips as i pick him up*
 
And here's that script/rp'ing type of writing I was talking about up above.  It's been a very long time since I've seen someone type like this.  I'm not sure why people actually write like this.  You'll get more readers if you can write it out as a story instead of like a list of things someone did.  I'll rewrite this in a way so you can see what I mean.
 
"Oh... my back," Fred groans out, just now waking up for the day.  Letting out a yawn, the tired man slowly gets up from his couch, cracking his back in the process.  "Dang it... I really need to stop sleeping on the couch." 
 
Scratching his head, he lets out a yawn before walking towards the kitchen to get some coffee.  "I wonder if they have any new games at that manga store finally.  I'm hoping they finally got some better ones than those..."  He lets out a cough, feeling a blush creep on his face.  "Yeah, would rather not remember those games."
 
Fred immediately jumps, hearing the yelling and screaming coming from outside. 
 
"What the heck?" he mumbles out, running to the door.  There's not a lot of reasons to be screaming outside at this time, Fred thinks, so something interesting must've happened.
 
This is usually how I would've written the story.  It allows the reader more information while also giving them a wider range to imagine how things appear.  It also helps immerse them into wanting to know more without giving them the absolute barest amount of information you can, like you are doing now.  It's up to you ultimately how you write, but I would recommend you to write in prose format over what you're doing now. 
 
And please don't take this as me to tell you to stop writing.  Improve and write more.  Don't just leave your ideas in your head, write them out!
 
Finally, I'll present your stuff over mine.  First, yours:
 
 
 
 
                                                         (Chaptor one a new begging)
I bet you think i'm you know a kid, that plays, has friends like other people right? *Laughs* Like if it was even close. You see i'v been to other worlds, Example:
 
Foissel fighters. ETC. I've been to 10 worlds already, lets make this 11th? And yes i've made stories to the other ones to. One has got sold on into a news paper,
Others well, Gone. Should we get we started? Hmm Maybe you're not ready for this advendure... Well let me get you filled in,in some of the back story first shall i?
                                                         
 
                                                         (Time: 10am Place: Somewhere in japan)
Fred: *Yawns* Oh... My back, *Wakes up on couch cracks back* Ow... Gam dangit.. I really need to stop sleeping on the couch.. *Sighs* 
I wonder what new games they brought to the manga store.. I hope they brought some good ones, all i see now these days are *Coughs* Not even gonna say it.
*Hears people yelling and screaming outside* What the hay? * Runs to the door and swings it open* *
 
 
 
And now mine:
 
 

Chapter One: A New Beginning

 

 
I bet you think I'm just another kid that plays and has friends like other people... right?  I laugh at the very thought!  No matter what you think, you're not likely to come close to the truth.  You see... I've been to other worlds.
 
From the desert planet Rhyalga, where I toppled an entire empire just to retrieve my stolen gear, to the pirate territory that lay in the Grenalda asteroid fields, all the way to the planet of the Foissel Fighters where I dominated their very best in combat. 
 
Many worlds with many adventures... and this tale is about one of those worlds I've just recently visited.

 

 

Location: Earth, Japan, Osaka Suburbs
Time: 1000 Hours
 

"Oh... my back," Fred groans out, just now waking up for the day.  Letting out a yawn, the tired man slowly gets up from his couch, cracking his back in the process.  "Dang it... I really need to stop sleeping on the couch." 
 
Scratching his head, he lets out a yawn before walking towards the kitchen to get some coffee.  "I wonder if they have any new games at that manga store finally.  I'm hoping they finally got some better ones than those..."  He lets out a cough, feeling a blush creep on his face.  "Yeah, would rather not remember those games."
 
Fred immediately jumps, hearing the yelling and screaming coming from outside. 
 
"What the heck?" he mumbles out, running to the door.  There's not a lot of reasons to be screaming outside at this time, Fred thinks, so something interesting must've happened.

Practice makes perfect; but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

http://hazardus-hava...eviantart.com/

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This are some of the reasons why i'm re-fixing it, But thank you, this helped. This was my first fanfic ETC. So i didn't know much, i was a rookie. And i don't know that much fancy words. Still in 8th grade mate e-e.   

 

You really don't need to know fancy words.  You usually just need to make sure that you don't overuse words.  Synonyms are words that generally have the same meaning as another word.  For example, synonyms to the word "grunt" is grumble, mumble, murmur, mumble, groan, and snort.

 

Here's a website that will get you all that without too much trouble.  It helps give you synonyms, defining words, translating words into different languages, find opposite meaning to words, and can even help with rhyming (if you ever plan on writing Zecora, for example).

 

http://www.wordhippo.com/

 

In time, you'll learn more words to use and widen your vocabulary.  And don't put yourself down; just because you're in the 8th grade doesn't mean you can't churn out some great work.

  • Brohoof 1

Practice makes perfect; but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

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http://www.fimfictio...lks-amongst-us

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You really don't need to know fancy words.  You usually just need to make sure that you don't overuse words.  Synonyms are words that generally have the same meaning as another word.  For example, synonyms to the word "grunt" is grumble, mumble, murmur, mumble, groan, and snort.

 

Here's a website that will get you all that without too much trouble.  It helps give you synonyms, defining words, translating words into different languages, find opposite meaning to words, and can even help with rhyming (if you ever plan on writing Zecora, for example).

 

http://www.wordhippo.com/

 

In time, you'll learn more words to use and widen your vocabulary.  And don't put yourself down; just because you're in the 8th grade doesn't mean you can't churn out some great work.

Jesus, teaching me q-q. I never heard the word Murmur.  But yeah thanks for the link. time to look into it x3. ( >_> Passing limit .-....) agxcvxdsf 

Mumur means a soft something voice e-e. TEACHERS WHA.. WHY YOU NO TEACH ME DIS!

Edited by Fredbermudez

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  • The title was changed to FSDGIJOPSDFGHNOIN4-0235-9@#$

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