What do you think of these lyrics?

[Forlong 1,726]

I'm currently writing a fanfic about Rarity getting a shop in Canterlot and seeing that it isn't all she thought it would be.  I decided to put a musical number (of sorts) in the fic.  I wrote the lyrics, but I'm not sure if they would work in a fanfic as text or even if they're any good.

 

Come into my shop, Captain Spitfire,

I'll make you the prefect dress to inspire.

In sheer lavender, you'll be lovely

And a zicorn tiara, just trust me.

Derpy Hooves, nopony else knows

You skirt should fold like a white rose.

A bit of yellow and a touch of black

And your date is certain to call back.

 

A cardinal skirt, trimmed with gold.

Give me time and I'll make you beautiful.

Yellow topazes around a ruby.

Just be patient and you will see.

I'll see to it that you're adored by all,

Star of the show, belle of the ball.

Any mare can look like a princess

If you let me work, that's a promise.

 

Lyra Heartstrings, what you really need:

A dress of sky blue and persian green.

Twilight Velvet, your dress must be mauve

It will be sheik, and very suave.

Ocavia, a black dress with violet trim

Will go perfectly with your favorite hymn.

Trixie, I can make you shine like a star

You are gorgeous the way you are!

 

A cardinal skirt, trimmed with gold.

Give me time and I'll make you beautiful.

Yellow topazes around a ruby.

Just be patient and you will see.

I'll see to it that you're adored by all,

Star of the show, belle of the ball.

Any mare can look like a princess

If you let me work, that's a promise.

 

Upper Crust, what do you need now?

I can make another dress to endow.

You've been here three times this month already.

Why does this make me feel so empty?

Lyrica Lilac, your dress is perfect.

I double and even triple checked.

Royal Ribbon, dark blue just won't do.

Why do I have to keep telling you?

 

Any mare can look like a princess

If you let me work, that's a promise.

Any mare can look like a princess

If you let me work, that's a promise.

 

What are your thoughts?

[Tech Reel 444]

Sounds good to me.

Definitely sounds like something that Rarity would sing.

 

Only real complaint is the first and third line from the chorus:

"A cardinal skirt, trimmed with gold."

"Yellow topazes around a ruby."

 

I feel like they're too specific to be said twice in the song(If that makes sense).

It's good for the first chorus, but maybe change the terms in the second while keeping the rhyme. Like change "cardinal skirt", "Yellow topazes", and maybe even "ruby" in the second chorus to add variety to the designs that Rarity uses. Currently it sounds like she uses these designs for everything she makes, so changing it will show that each one of Rarity's dresses are unique.

 

The rest of the chorus and song sounds terrific to me

Hope this was helpful.

 

P.S. - "You skirt should fold like a white rose." *Your

Edited October 16, 2013 by ReelyRandom