WhiteGuardian 168 January 30, 2014 Share January 30, 2014 Hey everypony, I need some advice and hopefully I don't sound stupid. I'm working on my first fanfic and it's pretty huge. I have been working and planning for almost a year and I finally submitted my first three chapters. But looking back there are a few things I want to revise. It starts out great in the prologue, but once it hits chapter one it gets dull because I'm trying to keep it in third person omnicient, but it ends up flipping between characters and not revealing enough emotion from the one that the focuses on at the time. The problem is that as the story goes on, more characters come in. So I figured the best thing to do would be to do second person perspective and take turns following each character for awhile, so that way it stays solid and you get more emotion. But I'm not sure how to do that without making it seem like its flip flopping perspectives. Any ideas or input? You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 30, 2014 Share January 30, 2014 Hey everypony, I need some advice and hopefully I don't sound stupid. I'm working on my first fanfic and it's pretty huge. I have been working and planning for almost a year and I finally submitted my first three chapters. But looking back there are a few things I want to revise. It starts out great in the prologue, but once it hits chapter one it gets dull because I'm trying to keep it in third person omnicient, but it ends up flipping between characters and not revealing enough emotion from the one that the focuses on at the time. The problem is that as the story goes on, more characters come in. So I figured the best thing to do would be to do second person perspective and take turns following each character for awhile, so that way it stays solid and you get more emotion. But I'm not sure how to do that without making it seem like its flip flopping perspectives. Any ideas or input? Could you post a link to the story so that we can read it? I personally would be better able to help if I could read the actual text. OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 30, 2014 Author Share January 30, 2014 (edited) Yeah sure. Here it is. I started here but once I fix it I will put it up on fimfiction. http://ponyfictionarchive.net/viewstory.php?sid=1971 Edited January 30, 2014 by WhiteGuardian 1 You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 30, 2014 Share January 30, 2014 (edited) Great, I'll take a look. (I'll edit this reply when I'm done.) @@WhiteGuardian Okay, so I've read through the second chapter now (I'll read the rest later if you want), and I first must say that I absolutely love what you're doing. I've never read an alternate Mane Six story, but I've always thought that a male Six would be really weird. After reading this, I am super excited to see the rest of the characters and what they do. With that said, it does need some work, but not anywhere near as much as you're thinking. It of course needs line edits and such (for instance, "thankyou" is two words, "you're" is "you are", while "your" is possessive, you sometimes have Jay be green and sometimes grey, etc.), but all that comes later. With your specific concern that the third person omniscient doesn't work, I have a few things to say. Firstly, you're right, it should be changed, but not for the reason you're thinking. It actually flows rather well in certain places, but the fact remains that third person omniscient is ridiculously hard to pull off and doesn't really work in a story with a main character, like this one. Secondly, you aren't quite so much using third person omniscient as you're just switching into Summer's POV occasionally, which is not so much wrong as it's just not proper, and can get confusing. Thirdly and lastly, it will actually be quite easy to fix this problem. Most of the time, when you switch into Summer's POV, it's for a second while she responds to Jay, and you can easily have Jay describe her reaction instead. And if there's ever a point where this doesn't work, her reaction probably isn't necessary and will just take away from Jay's actions. Oh, and one more thing: dialogue flows so much better when you use traditional separation; I don't really know how to describe it, so I guess just copy what published works do. If I can come up with a good way to explain, I'll use it. Well, besides these few little nitpicks, I absolutely love the concept, and the writing is very good. I particularly love the characters, and hope that they appear again (in a literary sense, they would make great captives to turn Jay's attention away from some other goal later on). I hope that you keep writing this, and I applaud you for going forward with this project!! PS Have you considered posting it on FimFiction.net? I believe it gets more traffic than the Archive. Edited January 30, 2014 by MrPandaa OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 30, 2014 Author Share January 30, 2014 Kay thanks a lot. hopefully I'm just being paranoid and it's not as bad as I think. You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeet 2,027 January 30, 2014 Share January 30, 2014 I wish I could help you, but I don't know what second person writing is. If it was just third person or first person I could maybe give a bit of advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 30, 2014 Author Share January 30, 2014 I wish I could help you, but I don't know what second person writing is. If it was just third person or first person I could maybe give a bit of advice. Second person is a lot like third person. It's kind of hard to explain. It's as if the character has an invisible friend who goes everywhere with them and that's the perspective your getting. But it's focused on that characters thoughts and feelings and how he/she goes though the story. So it's like instead of telling everyone's story and perspective at the same time, its from one characters perspective, it's just that that one character isn't the one narrating. Does that make sense? I feel like I made it worse. You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeet 2,027 January 30, 2014 Share January 30, 2014 (edited) Second person is a lot like third person. It's kind of hard to explain. It's as if the character has an invisible friend who goes everywhere with them and that's the perspective your getting. But it's focused on that characters thoughts and feelings and how he/she goes though the story. So it's like instead of telling everyone's story and perspective at the same time, its from one characters perspective, it's just that that one character isn't the one narrating. Does that make sense? I feel like I made it worse. Lots of people feel like that with their work, I'm quite sure its good, don't put yourself down like that cause you won't get anywhere. My english teacher says to me that the reason i don't do as well in english is cause I feel like I'm doing bad while everyone else has gotten loads of work done. You could always just paste it onto word and change it so its third or first person. Edited January 30, 2014 by Brechard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 30, 2014 Author Share January 30, 2014 (edited) Wait never mind, I just looked up second person to be sure and I am completely wrong. Ignore my dumb explanation. And thank you. You are making me feel better. I've always been a good writer, and English was always my best subject, but honestly if my writing material was perfect I could probably still pick it apart. I can always find something wrong with it. And btw, let me correct myself. Instead of switching to second person I guess what I was talking about would be switching from third person omniscient to regular third person. *sheepish grin* Great, I'll take a look. (I'll edit this reply when I'm done.) @@WhiteGuardian Okay, so I've read through the second chapter now (I'll read the rest later if you want), and I first must say that I absolutely love what you're doing. I've never read an alternate Mane Six story, but I've always thought that a male Six would be really weird. After reading this, I am super excited to see the rest of the characters and what they do. With that said, it does need some work, but not anywhere near as much as you're thinking. It of course needs line edits and such (for instance, "thankyou" is two words, "you're" is "you are", while "your" is possessive, you sometimes have Jay be green and sometimes grey, etc.), but all that comes later. With your specific concern that the third person omniscient doesn't work, I have a few things to say. Firstly, you're right, it should be changed, but not for the reason you're thinking. It actually flows rather well in certain places, but the fact remains that third person omniscient is ridiculously hard to pull off and doesn't really work in a story with a main character, like this one. Secondly, you aren't quite so much using third person omniscient as you're just switching into Summer's POV occasionally, which is not so much wrong as it's just not proper, and can get confusing. Thirdly and lastly, it will actually be quite easy to fix this problem. Most of the time, when you switch into Summer's POV, it's for a second while she responds to Jay, and you can easily have Jay describe her reaction instead. And if there's ever a point where this doesn't work, her reaction probably isn't necessary and will just take away from Jay's actions. Oh, and one more thing: dialogue flows so much better when you use traditional separation; I don't really know how to describe it, so I guess just copy what published works do. If I can come up with a good way to explain, I'll use it. Well, besides these few little nitpicks, I absolutely love the concept, and the writing is very good. I particularly love the characters, and hope that they appear again (in a literary sense, they would make great captives to turn Jay's attention away from some other goal later on). I hope that you keep writing this, and I applaud you for going forward with this project!! PS Have you considered posting it on FimFiction.net? I believe it gets more traffic than the Archive. Wow.....just....wow. Thank you so much. ,'3', I will take your advice and make the necessary edits. You have no idea what a weight you just took off my mind. It's nice to know it doesnt suck. and I will definitely post it on fimfiction. I might wait till the next chapter is done though. which is halfway finished. Edited January 30, 2014 by WhiteGuardian 1 You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 30, 2014 Share January 30, 2014 Wow.....just....wow. Thank you so much. ,'3', I will take your advice and make the necessary edits. You have no idea what a weight you just took off my mind. It's nice to know it doesnt suck. and I will definitely post it on fimfiction. I might wait till the next chapter is done though. which is halfway finished. Yeah, no problem! I'm glad I could help, bro! And if you ever want somebody to look it over or something, don't hesitate to pm me! (PS Love the quote on your profile!) 1 OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 30, 2014 Author Share January 30, 2014 Yeah, no problem! I'm glad I could help, bro! And if you ever want somebody to look it over or something, don't hesitate to pm me! (PS Love the quote on your profile!) Lol thanks. I think I will make you my go to guy for edits. if you don't mind that is. 1 You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 30, 2014 Share January 30, 2014 Lol thanks. I think I will make you my go to guy for edits. if you don't mind that is. Yeah, I don't mind at all! (In fact, I was kind of hoping you'd say that.) The only thing is that I won't always be able to hop on it quickly, because of school and all that. As long as that's fine with you, I'd love to be "your go-to guy for edits"! OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 31, 2014 Author Share January 31, 2014 Yeah thats fine with me. I really appreciate it. I'm actually halfway done fixing it right now, and then I will repost it and see what you think. Yeah, I don't mind at all! (In fact, I was kind of hoping you'd say that.) The only thing is that I won't always be able to hop on it quickly, because of school and all that. As long as that's fine with you, I'd love to be "your go-to guy for edits"! Kay I think I fixed it. You can see if its better whenever you have time. Just use the same link up above. When I get your okay I'm gonna go ahead and post it on fimfiction. 1 You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 Okay, so I read the rest of it and the parts that you changed, and I definitely think that it's better. There are, of course, line edits to be made, but I think it mostly looks ready! If it's possible, do you think you could send me a view password so that I can look at the non-submitted parts, too? I'm really excited for you! OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 31, 2014 Author Share January 31, 2014 (edited) Okay, so I read the rest of it and the parts that you changed, and I definitely think that it's better. There are, of course, line edits to be made, but I think it mostly looks ready! If it's possible, do you think you could send me a view password so that I can look at the non-submitted parts, too? I'm really excited for you! The non submitted parts? You mean like the chapter I'm still working on? Edited January 31, 2014 by WhiteGuardian You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 The non submitted parts? You mean like the chapter I'm still working on? Yeah. Those parts. (It's making me write more) OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 31, 2014 Author Share January 31, 2014 Yeah. Those parts. (It's making me write more) Uhh yeah I guess. I'll have to set up a google docs real quick and put it on there. I'm actually kind of stuck with a certain part in that chapter so I guess some help would be nice. 1 You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 Uhh yeah I guess. I'll have to set up a google docs real quick and put it on there. I'm actually kind of stuck with a certain part in that chapter so I guess some help would be nice. Okay, great! Sorry if the stuff in the parenthesis was confusing--I hadn't reached the character limit and I'm not too good at writing coherently while starting to learn Japanese. OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 31, 2014 Author Share January 31, 2014 Lol I know what you mean. I'm tyring to learn japanese too. and speaking of that I gotta pick up my spanish again. You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 Omigosh, your second language was Spanish, too? OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 31, 2014 Author Share January 31, 2014 (edited) Omigosh, your second language was Spanish, too?Well yeah sort of. I studied it for four years and I use to be mostly fluent. But its been almost three years since I graduated so I'm pretty rusty. Okay so its all set up in google docs, but I must confess I've never used docs before so how do I let you see it. Sorry if I sound dumb. Edited January 31, 2014 by WhiteGuardian 1 You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 Well yeah sort of. I studied it for four years and I use to be mostly fluent. But its been almost three years since I graduated so I'm pretty rusty. Actually, that's exactly what I did, except I only got up to Español III, so I normally say that I'm "theoretically conversationally fluent." Okay so its all set up in google docs, but I must confess I've never used docs before so how do I let you see it. Sorry if I sound dumb. Hey, that's alright! Here's my email address: son.of.pius@gmail.com. Now, if you go up to the blue "Share" button up in the top-right-hand corner and click on it, a little window thingy will pop up. In that window, you go down to the "Invite people" typing field at the bottom and type my email address into it. Then, you can change what exactly I can do to the document using the little drop-down box next to the typing field. After you're done making changes, check the option "Notify people via email" under the field and click on the green "Share & save" button at the bottom of the window, and it should be shared with me. 1 OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 31, 2014 Author Share January 31, 2014 Actually, that's exactly what I did, except I only got up to Españ[/size]ol III, so I normally say that I'm "theoretically conversationally fluent." Hey, that's alright! Here's my email address: son.of.pius@gmail.com. Now, if you go up to the blue "Share" button up in the top-right-hand corner and click on it, a little window thingy will pop up. In that window, you go down to the "Invite people" typing field at the bottom and type my email address into it. Then, you can change what exactly I can do to the document using the little drop-down box next to the typing field. After you're done making changes, check the option "Notify people via email" under the field and click on the green "Share & save" button at the bottom of the window, and it should be shared with me. Sorry that took me so long, I was filling out an application. But i did it. it is shared 1 You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrPandaa 204 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 Sorry that took me so long, I was filling out an application. But i did it. it is shared Hey, no problem, dude! I'm doing the same kind of thing right now. Just out of curiosity, what's the application for? OC's: Troubled Soul, Blue Skies, and Turmoil, Shadow Footsteps, Autumn Morning OC Pictures were all created using General Zoi's awesome pony creator! Credit for amazing sig goes to ~Sadistic Oblivion~, who allowed me to usurp his title as "Equestria's newest bat pony fan!" And credit for superawesome avatar goes to Doc. Volt. Many thanks to both of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteGuardian 168 January 31, 2014 Author Share January 31, 2014 Hey, no problem, dude! I'm doing the same kind of thing right now. Just out of curiosity, what's the application for? Its for a job. I've been in cali for the last year doing missionary work, and I had to cut it short cuz of a knee injury. I was gonna go back, but they said it would be mid march before I could be back there and I've already been waiting for three months so I'm just like whatever, I'm staying home amd starting my life. So now I'm trying to get a job. 1 You can either despair that a rosebush has thorns, or rejoice that a thornbush has roses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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