If you haven't got to know me and my ungodly fear of spiders, then now's your chance to know...I FREAKING HATE SPIDERS!!!

They can all go die in a fire.

But, you know, I get the feeling that if spiders could talk, I'd be a whole lot less afraid of them. Like, we could talk it out and maybe make a compromise. At least he could let me know when he's about to drop form a web right next to my face...

I imagine it would go something like this:

It's 7 o' clock in the morning, and I'm feeling gross. It's time to shower yesterday and last night off of me. I throw the shower curtain open and there's the little bastard. Just hanging in the bathtub. Doing spider stuff. But he talks!

Spider Whoa, man! I'm in here!

Me Oh hey! I almost didn't see you there! The hell are you doing in my bathtub?

Spider Sorry! I can explain this, but you're not gonna squish me, right?

Me Well you're talking and this is a first so I guess I'll let you off the hook.

Spider Thanks, dude. We cool?

Me Yeah, I guess we cool

[Awkward silence...]

Me So yeah, about you being in my bathtub...you see, that creates a problem for the both of us.

Spider Yeah, I get that. I came down here because I saw this water and I was thirsty. Now I can't climb up the sides cause they're slick and I can't get out of here. Been stuck all night so I just decided to wait it out here by the drain.

Me Well, I'm glad you told me you're in here. I would have hated to drown you. Do you have kids?

Spider Yeah, only 547 of them. And I appreciate that. It's tough feeding all those kids, but a dad's gotta do what a dad's gtta do.

Me I could imagine. Well, hey, I don't fancy the idea of you crawling up on my hand but I have a piece of cardboard here you can crawl on. I'll move you over here on the counter. You can climb up the wall and out the vent if you want.

Spider Sweet!

[The spider crawls on the cardboard, I move him to the counter, and he crawls off.]

Spider And thanks again for not squishing me. [holds out leg] Pound it?

Me Well I am like thousands time your size. I hate to leave ya hangin there, but I don't wanna smash you or break your leg. But we still cool

Spider Aight, cool. I'm out of here, bro. This was pleasant. We'll chat later.

[The spider crawls up the wall and out the vent]

Me What a nice fellow. So gentlyspidery.