Previously on My Little Pony...

...bad stuff happened...

...cue the title sequence!

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen the premiere, you better run for your life if you can, little girl.

So, on to part two of "Call of the Cutie Pox Markless Google Maps Chronicles." Where we left off (by the way, check out my review of part one by clicking here or some shit), Twilight and the Crickets got their cutie marks snagged by Sunlight Glimmsher and...actually, that's it.

So the gang was stuffed in some house thing to listen to equality stuff for days on end as their new equal sign cutie marks slowly turn them into passionless mannequins. Kind of like people in real life. With that, Twilight then hatches a plan to send Fluttershy out into the town in an attempt to save the day and all that stuff, since she has been unnaturally easy going on this town and its ways and would be the most believable turn of the tide.

OMG EQUAL SIGN COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT OMG

Upon freedom, Fluttershy is asked by Starlight Glimmer about who exactly was interested in getting their cutie marks back. She is then swapped out for Party Favor as he takes the bullet for Sugar Belle and Night Glider. I ship nothing. Fluttershy later discovers two facts: Starlight Glimmer has taken her and her friends' cutie marks personally, and that she is covering up her cutie mark with makeup.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

The plan at this point is to get Starlight into a vulnerable enough position so that Fluttershy can expose her cutie mark and get the town to turn on her, thus foiling her plans and all that stuff. This plan almost fails, as Fluttershy throws a bucket of water at her and misses by this much. Good thing there's the droplet of doom, right?

You are ugly when you're angry.

So, as you'd imagine, the town turns on her and everyone tries to get their cutie mark back. Meanwhile, Starlight Glimmer followed Sonic's advise and "got out of there" with Twilight and the Beach Boys' cutie marks. In gratitude, our secondary characters of the hour team up to get those cutie marks back! Double Diamond, Party Favor, Sugar Belle, Night Glider/That-One-That-Appeared-For-Like-Twenty-Damned-Seconds-Before, GO!

There's a reference in here somewhere...I just know it...

Once Ski-Man, Ballon-Dude, Cake-Baker, and Dashie-Ripoff catch up to Starlight, they manage to foil her evil plans and everyone gets their freedom back! Twilight starts talking about some generic, sentimental friendship bullshit we've heard in practically every season premiere, finale, and movie of this series before Starlight gets about as tired of it as we are and escapes.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy are at a kind of naughty angle there........................................................................................................

And so, the day is saved, and Twilight talks about how each of her friends is part of her and she couldn't do it with out them and all that stuff, even though she barely did a damned thing in this episode, and they all celebrate with Sugar Belle's awesome cakes.

"How many times are we going to force our friendship morals into these finales?" "Shh. Just let it happen."

And so ends the season premiere. Well, what do I have to say about this opener as a whole? Well...it...happened.

Listen, I had no high hopes for season five to begin with. Shows tend to fuck up big time around this point. It's an inevitable outcome that when shows go this long, quality declines. While the opener itself was okay, it's clear they're running out of opening and closing themes. Ever since season four/Equestria Girls, the end-all moral to the premieres and finales have been a very blunt and specific "Friendship is Magic." I wouldn't mind it too much in this opener if they didn't shove it down our throats. We didn't need the factory-generated friendship dialogue from Twilight to explain what was going on. We're not stupid. Kids aren't stupid. There was a strong underlying theme running through it already, and they had go and muck it up that way. I absolutely hate the prologue and epilogue to this two-part premiere. They're both clumsy, unnecessary, forced, and rushed to no end. Everything in the middle, however, is a standard "good" rating. I'm going to give part 2 the same rating I gave part 1, a 7/10. I can't say, however, that I'm very excited for the coming season. I sense it might result in a huge car crash. But what do I know? I'm not psychic...

...or am I?