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Are we all still alive?

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Goddammit. I thought I'd finally have the whole fucking place to myself. Oh well. I guess I should work on the review and start fixing this mess. Jolted opinions abound I see, but looks like we're all pretty sound. None of the "RUINED FOREVER" screams I was seeing before. Maybe this premiere saved itself? Eh, let's crack into the first episode and rape Celestism once and for all.

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "The Crystalling", you too are one of the refugees.

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Ooh, check it out, this time, I don't have to take my own screencaps!

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So this episode starts out wi-

What the fuck?

My...holy shit...NO!

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My igloo DVR didn't record the premiere!

SON OF A BITCH! THAT MEANS I HAVE TO GO TO....

...D...Dailymotion...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHv9acm3fF0

...Ah, so I get to experience the premiere in 240p with the slowest fucking buffering you've ever had to deal with. We're all gonna be in the shit storm for a while.

So this episode opens up with Starlight Glimmer, who is still reformed, looking for the library. When she finds it, she sees that Twilight's got shit tons of friendship lessons to learn. I'm calling it, MLP: FiM is pushing friendship as a cult. No, no, friendship's gone past religion status from season five. It's friendship or DIE in Equestria for season six. I can't wait. Twilight suggests "fuck the lessons" and sends herself and Starlight to the throne room, where they are discussing preparations to go to the birth of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor's new baby! Ah, remember the long paragraphs I had about that episode? Oh, shit, that's right, I never reviewed that one. Eh, when I get around to it. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash says she doesn't want to miss the Crystalling. What a sadistic bitch.

Why would you want to watch thousands of non-believers perish by the hands of Celestia? ....Actually, nevermind, that's a really good idea. Pass the popcorn.

After Spike explains that the Crystalling, in the realm of Equestria, is some Crystal Empire tradition when a baby is born or some shit (I can't be bothered to pay attention to this mythos backstory crap anymore), Starlight starts talking to Twilight about the event. However, when Twilight mentions that Starlight's old friend, Sunburst, (the one that made her go batshit insane and do that town cult stuff and try to fuck up the well-fare of Equestria after he dumped her) lives in the Crystal Empire now, she starts to worry. Explaining this to Spike, she discusses her dismay about going to the Crystal Empire until the Crystalling invitation is received and it is settled that her first friendship lesson will be on reuniting with Sunburst. Ah, the pain of others. Just my cup 'o tea.

Starlight: Me:

On the train, everyone's showing off their super gay gifts as Starlight Glimmer talks to Twilight about her reservations about meeting Sunburst again. Twilight of course brings up how she reunited with...err...Moondancer? Was that her name? Fuck it, I can't be bothered with season five anymore. Where was I? Ah, yes, how she reunited with Moondancer and how she might use that experience to help Starlight. As they leave the train, they bump into a very disoriented and very coked-up looking Shining Armor! Ah, the fun of fatherhood's gotten to him. I'd say I know all about that, but I don't. Unless someone's not letting me know something.

"Oh my God! Cadence! I haven't seen you in years!"

Shining Armor rants about how he hasn't slept very much since the birth of the baby, and Twilight thinks this will fuck with the whole Starburst shipping. However, Spike jumps in and says "Hey! Let's use the list!" and is paired off with Starlight to find Sunburst, much to the former's chagrin. Ooh, big word. I'm just assuming I know what chagrin means. Too busy to google it. However, since Starlight wants to procrastinate as much as possible, she is distracted by Spike's many statues in the Empire's town square, and decides that they're not going anywhere until she hears the whole "The Crystal Empire (Parts 1 & 2)" "Equestria Games" story! Meanwhile, baby's got wings on her back.

And thus, the fandom through a tantrum.

Celestia and Luna say that this Alicorn birth is even beyond their own comprehension. I'm sure this pisses off the fandom even more, but I couldn't give less than three fucks and a shit at this point. However, I do have to question, in the beginning, there had to be a first Alicorn, right? I mean, Alicorns aren't all crafted, are they? Someone had to be born one first so that the whole Alicorny things can take place? Meh, I don't know. As Cadence addresses her subjects, Shining Armor stresses over everything he has to do. That's when the Mane Six step in to be a helping hand. Meanwhile, Spike's through telling his stories and now it's time for Starlight and Sunburst to reunite! That is, if he can remember her.

Can't remember shit? Likely stoned? Scruffy long hair? Round glasses? That's not Sunburst! That's John Lennon in 1969!!!

As Sunburst is surprised that this stranger is Princess Twilight's pupil and Starlight expects Sunburst to be up to wizard shit, the two have an awkward hello and an awkward goodbye, but Spike presses the importance of learning this lesson and they talk some more. Starlight explains that Twilight, the Princess of Friendship, wants her and Sunburst to be friends again. With Sunburst inquisitively asking what happened after they'd stop being friends, Starlight becomes very dodgy around the path of evil she went down. Comparatively, Sunburst is dodgy around the whole "important wizard" subject himself. Something's amiss here. Other places, the baby throws a super tantrum that shatters the Crystal Empire's famed Crystal Heart. As we know, without the Crystal Heart, the Crystal Empire is doomed to be trapped in a terrible storm. Here's an idea? Fuck the baby, let's kill it.

GG

To be continued, so concludes Part 1.

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Well, eh, I like this episode. I mean, Part 1 is a lot of setting up and building the blocks to the next episode. Whereas most other two parters have merit of their own, I don't think this episode has a lot to be judged. It's a pretty straightforward exposition and rising action. Though, I guess you could complain that the climax is incredibly dull without a whole lot of impact aside from what we should technically care about. Also, the whole "born Alicorn" scene is kind of bullshit, but I haven't read the Journal of the Two Sisters, so fuck it. Otherwise, nope, nothing bad to say yet. Nothing good to say either, though. Eh, I'll give this episode an 8/10. I don't have any criticisms yet, so I suppose I'll have to see Part 2 tomorrow. Incredibly short, but I seriously have nothing else to say.

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I guess it's all on Part 2 then. Will we all perish in the storm clouds of the Crystalling, or will the fandom triumph on top? All this will be answered and more...such as who's my real father and why am I allowed to breathe...in Part 2 of....

The Crystalling.
Happy Birthday, Pac Man.