There has never been a moment in my life where I haven't struggled with something. From almost being a miscarriage as a baby and having to deal with things such as Autism and various other mental illnesses, in addition to many physical issues. Granted I'm not complaining about my life, given that there are many other unfortunate individuals who live in a considerably worse state than I do. What I'm trying to say, is there's a lot about me. However, I sometimes feel that there isn't much about me worth knowing.
I've brought up the fact that I don't have a personality and while I do agree that I indeed have one, I feel that people aren't interested in it. I'm always just on the sidelines, left out. Nobody knows if I'm not there, nobody cares. I don't know why this is. I've opened myself up quite a bit, let my heart out, only to be forgotten and left out.
To quote myself, 'I'm the geeky kid who likes Video Games'. I know there's nothing wrong with that, but I get the impression that I'm not interesting enough to others. I guess these thoughts relate to my recent feelings. I feel empty. It doesn't matter how much I try or how much I pour my heart out to do something, it just leads to disappointment. A hollow victory, if you will. Either it's blatantly ignored or not fully seen, leaving me with the impression that I wasted so much of my time, only to not recieve a second glance. This has lead me to be rather emotionally drained. I haven't cried in two and a half months, which is my longest yet.
On this forum, I can find something unique and distinguishable about every single active user...except myself. What sets me apart from others in the online world? Nothing really. It's more difficult to convey a personality online than in real life. At least in real life, I'm a strange balance between quiet and withdrawn, and silly and over the top. I know there's more in here, but I'm not sure where it is and what it is.
On Sunday, I went to a Video Game convention - PAX Aus. I've made it no secret that I'm a huge video game nerd, so you could imagine how excited I was to attend. I have no photos or videos to show off (I forgot to take any amongst all the excitement, in all honesty), so you'll have to take my word for it. Unfortunately I was only able to make the third day, but it was nevertheless quite the experience. I went with me cousin and let's just say that we really enjoyed it. First of all, man there were a LOT of people present at the con. I knew it would be crowded, but there was practically a sea of humans in the main hall. Obviously there were some cosplays and I'll admit that there were some really good ones. There was a middle-aged man who pulled off a really good TF2 Engineer costume and there was this lady who I kept seeing, who had a very well done Bowsette costume. Being real here, I wanted to do a cosplay of Dante from the Devil May Cry franchise (I'm 6ft tall and sort of have the build), but I have no money to buy props and I'm too lazy to get a job. I guess my costume will have to wait.
...The convention itself was quite overwhelming. There was so much to see and do, it was impossible to get everything covered in a single day. There were a ton of booths, in addition to areas dedicated to tabletop games, trading cards and retro stuff. I did get to try out Super Smash Bros Ultimate and I managed to play two rounds - one with Mega Man and the other with Ganondorf. I will say that the game is absolutely beautiful and I cannot wait to buy it. Other games which caught my interest were Ori and the Will of the Wisps, Soul Calibur VI and Super Mario Party. A huge highlight was hanging around the retro gaming section. There were a ton of stuff on display, including old consoles and accessories. There were stations, where you could sit down and play any old game. I stood watching some guy play one of my favourite retro games, Super Mario Bros. 3 - via the All-Stars port. He eventually noticed me and actually invited me to play 2 Player. I took control of Luigi and together we made it to World 5 without rest, before succumbing to take a Lunch break. I did see some absurdly amazing things, such as the host of one of the booths ripping his shirt off and throwing it at the crowd, as well as the other hosts literally throwing freebies at us. I suppose I shouldn't even mention the chicken eating contest, as it was madness. I love it...
Did I get anything? Of course I did. From the convention, I obtained
- A The Legend of Zelda mug
- A figurine of Evan from Ni no Kuni II
- A mask of the Vault Boy from Fallout
- A Kirby plush
- A Moogle plush from Final Fantasy
- A sweet Blue T-shirt
- A purple Star Wars T-shirt which is apparently for females (Whoops)
All in all, it was pretty swell. The only bad thing from it, was me getting sick immediately after - a classic case of 'Con Crud'. Even then, I'll probably be perfectly fine in a couple of days.
I think I'll be returning next year and hopefully it's just as borderline insane .
The title pretty much says it all: I'm not going to dance around this, so I'll be blunt - I was told not long ago, that I have depression.
This in turn is a result of various things: I'm unmotivated and practically have to force myself to do things which I normally enjoy. I've been binge eating - which has caused me to gain weight and there are several times each day, where I feel absolutely worthless and feel like vanishing into thin air. My hygiene is also starting to fall out of whack, as I haven't properly showered in a week. It really sucks. I've commenced work on a personal project, which is a detailed analysis on something particular. My progress on it is already as slow as an ant, but now I just can't be bothered doing it.
Luckily I've been working with a Psychologist recently, so hopefully things will start to work out. I've also been easing myself back into my regular hobbies, such as Video Games. I've only been playing Stardew Valley and Team Fortress 2 on my PC for the last few weeks, but now I'm starting to play old Nintendo 64 games. Same applies to MLP and Anime. I'm just easing myself back into it, until I feel ready to get back to it full on.
I should mention that the feeling worthless thing has always been a problem of mine. It just feels worse now. I feel like I'm the problem for everything and it's very difficult to convince myself otherwise. Anyways, we will see how things go from here.
The only way to go is up, right?
Many people have told me to fight.
But fight for what exactly? My own sanity? My family? Everything else, in between?
Truth is, I don't know. Things in my life, aren't playing out in the way I thought they would. I didn't ever think that I could possibly have a disability - I relinquished the thought from my head. Truth be told, I did end up having one the whole time. Not a physical one, a mental one: Asperger's Syndrome, accompanied with ADHD and high Anxiety.
While it may not sound like much, I struggle with doing simple things that others can do with relative ease. For example most children I knew, could tie their shoes before Grade 1. I wasn't able to do it until midway of Grade 6. That's only one example. I could sit here all day listing more, but you get the idea, so I'll spare you the time. I also have issues processing information, meaning I won't get something unless I go over it multiple times. These things have really thrown a wrench in my self-esteem, making me feel inferior to others and hating myself because of it. I occasionally start feeling more confident, but something happens which causes that said confidence to crash and burn.
Looping back to the first sentence: People have told me to fight. I've been trying to do that for most of my life, but is it really worth fighting anymore? They say at the rate I'm going, I'll end up being depressed - Especially since I'm living a fairly lonely life. Although this doesn't bother me a lot, as I usually stick to myself and spend most of my time playing Video Games and watching Videos all day long. Although, I can't help but feel that I'm too lonely. In the past people have left me alone, simply for being too unique - Only returning if I changed myself to be similar to them. That makes me think, do people just not like who I am? Am I as a person, wrong?
So, I decided to Speed Run the Spring Breeze mode in Kirby's Super Star. Well, I recorded the footage and uploaded it to YouTube.
Final time is around 6 and a half minutes. I made a few small errors, but I'm content with the overall run.
As I'm sure a lot of you are aware of, I went for surgery yesterday morning. The surgery in question is known as a pilonidal sinus excision. I won't explain the procedure in full detail here, but you can research it if you choose to.
After the surgery was performed, I spent the remainder of that day and the majority of today in my hospital room, accompanied by my close family. I got discharged at around 2pm today, after being provided with further medication to control my ailments. I will require assistance for my day-to-day activities until the recovery is complete and I'm essentially confined to my couch until then. The fact that I will need assistance doesn't bother me majorly, due to the fact that my disability requires me to have a carer on a normal day anyways. Although, the fact that simple affairs such as sitting or sleeping are now hassles, isn't very fun to deal with.
Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic that I get to sit around and play video games and watch videos all day long. I just feel so strange that I can barely do anything else, without causing immense damage to my body. I'm unaware on the time period that the recovery process will eat up, but hopefully things will be back to normal soon. I'm due for a check up, on the next two consecutive Tuesdays.
I would like to leave a thank you, to the folks who wished me well under the circumstances that I was in. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to know you. While I don't think that I'll ever be able to match your deeds, just know that I appreciate everything that you've done for me.
This is a little unorthodox on my part, but I've been wanting to express myself on this matter for a while now.
First, I want to outright state that I've no intention on leaving the fandom or anything. Being in this fandom has allowed me to be happier than I've ever been in my life. Despite the plethora of physical and mental health issues I have, I know that the fandom will almost always have my back. This is just something that has been on my mind for over 1 and a half years.
So around a year before I decided to join this fandom, I read a fanfiction on a website. I refuse to specifically describe the things that occured in it, but I'll be blunt about it. It was very graphic and involved Sweetie Belle, who is a child I may add. I admit, I shouldn't have opened the link and should've stopped reading when I saw where the material was heading. Now, I have nothing against anyone who likes MLP R34 or clop. No person on this planet is perfect and people like what they like. It just pisses me off that stuff like that exists in the first place and that it's such a common staple on the internet
It's not like it's something that you'll rarely encounter either. The bloody things are everywhere and have spread worse than the black plague.
The main reason that it took me so long to interact with the fandom after becoming a fan of a show, was the fear that I could potentially be involved with this madness. I admit, I was ignorant to even be that critical at such an early stage and after joining here, I found out that I was being irrational. You have to understand though, something as dark and twisted as seeing a child character being written to take part in those 'activities', it just doesn't leave your head.
If you create or are into that stuff, fine. I won't be cynical of you and I don't hold you under a negative mindset. I for one, will continue to avoid that material however.
For those who don't know me, I play a ton of video games. I have since a very young age.
When I go out, I usually take my DS with me and what not. Although, I feel as soon as I start to get into a game, something happens and it completely breaks my focus and I stop playing. It's freaking annoying as all hell.
I don't mean to transform this into a rant by any means.
I suppose I shouldn't be too mad. Besides, it would probably be smart to switch priorities. I have a Networking assignment due in less than a month and I'm not even 10% done. Knowing me, I'll wait until the last minute and then do it.
I don't know what it is? Every time I have class, I find myself staring at the monitor for 70 minutes and then it's over.
I think I just need a good way to balance playing games and doing school work. I just can never find one, because once I do something, it's a pain in the ass to get into something else. It took me 7 months to beat the new Layton game, because I've been very focused on classwork.
So yeah, today's my birthday and I'm spending it in true fashion by sitting down lazily and playing video games.
I got $150, clothes, chocolates and a steam gift card. Now to burn all the money on video games and plushies...
Anyways I haven't updated this journal blog thing for a while, but I'll try and be more consistent with it.
But first I have to finish Broforce, I have to prioritise.
Okay, so I know that I literally posted an entry not too long ago. I just need a bit of a vent.
So I was planning to go to sleep early for once, 10:30pm to be precise. I don't know what happened, but it is now 4:45 am. Wanna know how much sleep I got?
At this point I just decided to get up for the day (Not like I was ever really asleep in the first place). Now I'm in the living room, listening to my computer fan, with the blinds open. At least this way I can see the sun rise.
I have my 3DS with me, so I guess I can play some Link's Awakening DX for a while. Hopefully my mum doesn't wake up.
I couldn't think of a creative title.
I woke up pretty late this morning (11ish) and I was in a pretty good mood. I do my usual routine, (shave, get dressed, eat breakfast) and I turn on my laptop so I can have some sweet sweet gaming time. I have the entire day to myself, so I want to make the most of it. So I turn my laptop on, it shows the splash screen and then it throws an error. At this point I'm pretty confused, so I turn it off and on about three times until I realise, the hard drive crashed. I checked the warranty and it's eligible for 12 months. I did the math and I'm 18 days ineligible. Thanks, I needed that.
Luckily, I bought another computer back in October. Tomorrow I'm going to see my grandparents, so while I'm there I'll pick up a monitor and keyboard from their house. They've had them since 2005 and they don't use it, so at least I'll be able to put it to some use.
My purple headset may also crap out soon. The audio seems to be heavily decreasing in quality, but then again I've had them since 2014.
And last Friday, my watch fried out because I got too much water in it.
Jesus, how much stuff do I need to replace?
Also, school starts in over 2 weeks, so I'll have to start going to bed early and waking up early. Hooray.
Well, I guess I better go back to playing Turtles in Time.