Dear Steak, Why do they kill for a grave or a pencil? They should be fighting for a pen. The pencil is the colours of both rice and rat vomit. Repulsive. But I could never see a steak fight along with them. Tender, soft, easy to sunder. Why do you have to be way, steak. What have the lords of hell ever done to you? Put itching powder in your drawers. Pathetic! Here they are, in war and you lie there complaining about being itchy.

P.S

And don't reply to me with 'moo', you rotting clump of bovine muscle. If you do, I will feed you to your family!

Love, Mum