Alright, guys! Time to review another episode from season 1 of MLP, because I want to stab season five until it vomits blood. And what fantastic marvel of writing do I have the pleasure of reviewing next after "Griffon the Brush Off?"

 

 

 

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*Stares at army of Dark Qiviuts outside my door*

 

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"The Cutie Re-Mark" it is!

 

Alright, this is a spoilers review, and since it's a recent episode, if you haven't seen it, run for the hills.

 

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Fine, then.

 

I'll just start off by saying that, yes, I have found the time to go watch all the season five episodes I missed. If you can recall, I stopped watching after "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up," so I caught up on the rest and, they weren't too bad. Some mediocre writing here and there but otherwise an enjoyable batch. So let's see what the totally epic season finale does. I was unfortunately teased by a series of responses to the finale, such as "Treehugger is best pony" and "is the Mane 7 a thing now?" So, I'm kind of interested in what's going on. Without further ado, let's get started.

 

So the episode's prologue begins with Twilight practicing a speech that she will give to the magic students at that magic school thingy. She sucks at remembering shit and so cues the title sequence. When we return, Twilight's actually giving her speech, and Spike undergoes a slideshow screw-up that I genuinely laughed at. Who'da thunk? In the audience, Twilight spots Starlight Glimmer, the forgettable bland antagonist from the premiere, and worries about what she's up to on the way back to her castle. When they get there, Starlight is unleashing her master plan using the cutie map as Twilight and Spike, just sort of, stand there. Of course, they wait until after Starlight opens a portal of infinite shit to try to do anything. Of course.

 

I will become memorable!!!!!

 

After Twilight and Spike are sucked in, they make it just in time to prevent Rainbow Dash from performing the Sonic Rainboom and muck up everyone getting their cutie marks and becoming friends, something Twilight loud-mouthedly explained at her speech. I find it hilarious how my least favorite Mane 6 character is basically responsible for how balanced Equestria is. Like, Rainbow Dash is the goddamn savior. It seems a little ridiculous, but it makes sense. No rainboom --> no cutie marks --> no peace on Earth. I...I think that makes sense.

 

You shall not pass.

 

Twilight and Spike are transported into a paradox where there's a war that's ravaged the planet thanks to no one to stop King Sombra. They look for their friends, but they're not in Ponyville - they're helping the cause. They go to Sweet Apple Acres, but it's turned into the cover art for Pink Floyd's Animals. There, they learn from Applejack what's going on. While Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are not familiar names to her, she knows who Rarity is and says that she's gone to Manehattan to help the cause. An explanation on how the war started ensues.

 

A whole world revolving around me and I still have less dialogue than Gak!

 

She explains how the resurfacing of the Crystal Empire brought King Sombra back to enslave his kind and start a war with Celestia. 'Cause they're, like, madly in love I hear. Anyways, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are out on the front lines fighting while Fluttershy and Rarity are helping the cause back home by taking care of animals (WTF?) and manufacturing war uniforms.

 

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You know what? Fuck this musical, Winter Crap Up, Pony I Wanna Be, Rainbows Remind You mamby pamby shit! I want this world to be a show on its own. This world kicks ass!

 

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Alas, Twilight attempts to return things back to "normal" and uses the map to go back to the Rainboom event again, but the Starswirl spell that Starlight used is Star-tied to her and so it seems Star-impossible for Twilight to Star-stop Starlight.

 

'Cause, you know, stars! And LIGHT!

 

This spell that I've mastered has made it possible for me to stalk you! I'm an attention whore!

 

As Starlight traps Twilight and Spike in a crystal...thingy...somehow...she pushes them off the clouds and makes them fall to their doom. But not before they survive! They return to Cloudsdale to stop Starlight from teaching a young Fluttershy and those other two fucks about how teasing can be hurtful. Twilight hates cleanliness and good morals! After Starlight convinces the young ponies that equality is the supreme religion, Twilight tries to harass Rainbow Dash into doing a Sonic Rainboom. I'm not lying, they actually make a "stranger-danger" joke here. Where's Sexual Harassment Panda when you need him?

 

My mommy says purple ponies are bad people with high crime rates.

 

Twilight fails to convince Rainbow Dash to pull of a Sonic Rainboom, and after Starlight gloats some more, Twilight and Spike are sucked back through the map portal and brought to yet another alternative universe due to the new change of events. Now, it's not Sombra who's at war with Celestia...it's...

 

QUEEN CHRYSALIS!

 

But we don't see her this episode. We get Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie instead.

 

War, bloodshed, broken bonds, and pedophilia innuendos! Only on Discovery Family!

 

Will our heroes survive being crucified? Will someone post a gallery on MLP Wikia so I don't have to take my own screencaps? All will be answered in the next episode of...

 

"The Cutie Re-Mark!"

 

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Well, that was pretty cool.

 

I mean, I'll have to watch Part 2 to get a full idea of what makes or breaks this finale, but overall, what I've seen is very intriguing, and the concept is more interesting than usual with all of its callbacks to previous premieres/finales and a perspective of "what if our heroes lost?" or "what if they were never involved?" From what I can tell, Part 2 is going to be an interesting episode. However, is it just me, or is Twilight, like, really stupid in this episode? Standing around, underestimating Starlight, not connecting dots. It's kind of annoying how slow she is to the get-up here.

 

Thankfully, that's really my only pet-peeve other than Starlight is a terrible antagonist, but I blame the character, not the episode. Overall, I'll give Part 1 of "The Cutie Re-Mark" an 8/10. Good plot, well paced, Twilight's stupid, but hey, at least we have wars and shit. Alright, if you'll join me in about a half-hour, I'll review Part Tw-

 

 

 

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*Army of Dark Qiviuts remain outside my door*

 

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Heh...heh...I think I'll make part two my scheduled Monday review. The longer I put off "Boast Busters," the better.