It's the holidays, and you know what that means!

 

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...oh, hold on, it's not the holidays anymore. It's 2012!

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The Forums: "Son of a bitch, this horsefucker is back."

 

You bet your swamp-ass I am! And I am ready for a brand new year of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months! And what better way to kick off a new year of that great stuff than to review another episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Let's remind ourselves of what episode we have to watch toda-

 

 

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Fuck this shit. Goodbye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Gets shoved back to desk and is forced to do review by mysterious entity that I will never explain*
Hey, even if I wanted to do this episode, which I don't, I can't! I don't remember my Netflix password. Apparently when you don't use your computer for two weeks, it forgets shit, but I can go months on end doing anything on the computer other than watching Netflix and it will remember my password like it's the fucking eleventh commandment. So, ha, I can quit by default.

 

*Mysterious entity links meh*

 

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Mysterious entity, screw yourself. Screw yourself until you squirt blood. :okiedokielokie:

 

Alright, goddammit, I'll sit through some prepubescent asswipe's blind commentary so that I can review the episode that started my suffering with the CMC arc. I wouldn't mind this episode ten months ago, but "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck Up" is just that powerful. This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, call your local cutie mark.

 

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Grr.

 

So, having started this video, I find that the blind commentary is made not by a prepubescent asswipe, but a postpubescent asswipe who is adding so much to this episode....by not saying shit. Luckily for me, this is just like watching the episode in a smaller screen with someone chiming in every once in a blue moon. On to the actual episode, it opens up with Cheerilee, the schoolteacher, showing some kids a tattoo on her ass.

Cheerilee is a registered pedophile. That's right, I've even got sarcastic characteristics for the tertiary characters! Bite me, McCarthy!

 

They talk about how ass tattoos are a sign of your special talent, whether it be picking flowers, sucking silver spoons, or assassinating people with your mad archery skills. This depresses Apple Bloom, Applejack's little sister from that one episode, as she gets picked on for being a blank flank. She then commits suicide.

 

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The End.

 

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As Apple Bloom and Twist walk home together, they get harassed by the bullies, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Twist tells Apple Bloom to "Run, Forrest, Run," but she's too suicidal for that shit. For some reason, Diamond Tiara still invites them to her Cutecienrasalsa or whatever the hell you call it. It's like a quinceanera but without the Spanish tradition or the dignity.

 

"I hate you. Come to my party." Meanwhile, Diamond Tiara snaps her neck.

 

At home, Apple Bloom bitches to Applejack about wanting a cutie mark now. And so she embarks on a quest to do whatever she can to get it! Wait, wait, they're going somewhere with this arc, I swear to God. So Apple Bloom is brought along to the apple stand in Ponyville where they sell marijuana. Apple Bloom harasses the townsfolk about buying apples, including the Doctor, but he's gotta go stop the Arachnos and doesn't have time for apples. Now bananas are a completely different story. They're a great source of potassium.

 

Take me to your TARDIS, motherfucker.

 

After Apple Bloom forces the Doctor to buy an apple, she's fired. She then looks for other work to help get her cutie mark, and visits Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash is too sport-enthused for her country folk, but after realizing her friend Twist has achieved her cutie mark in arranging candy canes in the shape of a heart, she will stop at nothing to find a new job and get her cutie mark! Clearly, she visits the local messiah, our lord Pinkie Pie. Her majesty sings a short but sweet (pun intended) song about baking cupcakes, and shows young Apple Bloom how to bake these treats. Unfortunately, they forgot the most important ingredient: weed. Apple Bloom is subsequently fired again.

 

Turdcakes! I bake those on a daily basis!

 

Twilight enters Sugarcube Corner, and after Apple Bloom bitches to her, the purple pony offers to help by giving Apple Bloom a faux cutie mark using magic. This is a terrible idea from the get-go, but the youngster insists on telling the future princess what to do. As you might imagine, it doesn't work, and Apple Bloom is essentially screwed. Poor little shit, all she wanted was an ass tattoo.

 

No, Twilight! Cheerilee is the pedophile joke! You're the racism joke! Get it right!

 

At the cutecienerahablahespanol, Apple Bloom arrives without a cutie mark. You see, Apple Bloom is embarrassed because, as she said earlier, she can't go to the cutceinsancha without a cutie mark. I've got a mind blowing idea for you...*ahem*....

 

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DON'T GO!

 

FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU LITTLE SHIT, WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD TO GO TO THIS PARTY? YOU CAN STAY HOME AND PLAY NINTENDO FOR GOD'S SAKE, I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE DIAMOND TIARA IS YOUR BEST FRIEND! Oh, what's the matter, you'll get picked on at school if you don't go? MAKE UP SOME EXCUSE FOR THE REASON YOU COULDN'T GO! SAY YOU HAD AIDS OR SOMETHING. THAT USUALLY WORKS. If you'd just stay home, this whole episode would be fucking moot.

 

Anyways, at the party, Apple Bloom wears a dress to cover up the fact that she doesn't have a cutie mark. Of course, she steps over it and her lack of one is revealed. That's okay, these other two blank flanks come over and support her. Their names are Scootabelle and Sweetie Loo. One's white trash and the other is a very clean bathroom.

 

Don't you dare make fun of people who are different from you! That's what purple ponies are for!

 

After they upstage Diamond Tiara liek a baws, the three of them become best friends and decide that they should search for their special talents together! Oh how joyful! But they soon come to their biggest dilemma yet. What should they call this secret club of incredible awesomeness? Hmm....

 

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*dun dunana*

 

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*dunanana dun DUN dun*

 

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*da da-da-da dah dah dah DAAAAAAAAAAAH*

 

The Spice Girls.

 

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And that concludes "Call of the Cutie." So, was it any good?

 

The whole "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck Up" thing aside, this episode is pretty mediocre at best anyway. I mean, sure, it's one of the first episodes to focus on the children and the first episode to introduce the CMC, but this episode's conflict would have been completely avoidable if Apple Bloom had used common sense and not gone to Diamond Tiara's party. She didn't have to go - she was invited. Why would you want to go to your school bully's sweet 16? Unfortunately, Apple Bloom is fueled by greed in this episode and tries to impress the assholes. If it were me, I'd say "fuck 'em" and go listen to Beatles in my room. But I'm not a teenage horse, so what do I know? I give the episode a 6/10. Why not lower? Because of the "Cupcakes" song. All hail our lord and savior.

 

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Alright, it's official. I'm back and working on my regular schedule once again! A new year, a new volume of reviews, and a new hip for Granny Smith. Just kidding, she died of cancer. Just kidding, she's in prison. Just kidding.

 

With that, I'll see you guys on Friday, where I will review "Fall Weather Friends."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What? Are you expecting some smartass remark about the upcoming review? No. Fuck you. It's 2012.