I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL WEEK LONG.

 

Why, PrymeStriker?

 

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY TWILIGHT IS FUCKING IMMORTAL.

 

What are you talking about?

 

YOU CLEARLY HAVEN'T READ MY PREVIOUS REVIEW, WHERE TWILIGHT DIED AND CAME BACK TO LIFE TWICE.

 

Why are you talking to yourself?

 

BECAUSE I'VE KILLED ALL OF MY FRIENDS ALREADY.

 

And I think I've figured out the answer. If you'd just turn your attention to the chalkboard.

 

 

I have discovered that the answer to this enigma is, as you can see on the left, 42. So with just a simple google search...

 

 

You can see that Tara Strong is, in fact, 42.

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

This is all I've discovered.

 

...

 

Well, shit, that doesn't answer a goddamned thing. :diamondtiara:

 

YOU MEAN I STAYED UP FOR FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT FOR NOTHING?! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO MY REVIEW NOW?!

 

:=:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:scoots:

 

Just....just think about "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up."

 

 

That should keep me awake.

 

Now, what are we doing anymore? Oh, right, "A Dog and Pony Show." This is another episode that exists. I actually don't have a predisposition for this one, as I've had with similar episodes of obsolete boredom like "Sonic Rainboom" or...uhm...actually, that's the only episode I was bored with so far.

 

...Huh...

 

Alright, then. Onward to figure out whether or not I will remotely enjoy this episode. This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "A Dog and Pony Show," then HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TWILIGHT IS FUCKING IMMORTAL.

 

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I need a drink...

 

The episode opens up with Rari-

 

Hold on. Is this...a Rarity episode?

 

...

 

Heheh.

 

So, Rarity's open for "business," if you know what I mean, at Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chique, unique, and needs intense dry cleaning after you're done. Enter Sapphire Shores, another celebrity in Ponyville we are never told about. Why do shows like to introduce in-universe celebrities this way? Why not tease them in a previous episode or something subtly so we can help feel the power of the celebrity as well. I know it's nitpicky, and probably too much to ask for, but they do this all the time and it's kind of annoying. Hoity Toity, Sapphire Shores, Photo Finish, Trenderhoof (though, they did tease him earlier in the episode), that Countess character from season five that went from writing dance-pop songs to piano pop songs and somehow the latter is better because piano. It's just...irritating now.

 

I wonder where she is now that Rara has out-charted her? She's probably a meth addict now. She was probably a meth addict then, I mean, look at that face.

 

Anyways, Sapphire Shores wants a dress for her new performance or some shit, and commissions Rarity to do it. She wants it to be dazzling and stuff, so of course, Rarity borrows Twilight's slave to be her slave. In seriousness, that's how the episode goes. Spike trades slave owners to do physical labor for little pay. Well, at least our little friend has masturbation fuel for later on tonight. Meanwhile, as Rarity and Spike are digging up jewels for Sapphire's dress, these creeper dogs with annoying voices plot to capture Rarity.

 

I spy with my derp eyes, something screwable.

 

The cartoon explains that the dogs just want her so that she can use her jewel-detecting unicorn powers to dig gems for them, but we all know what they'll do in their spare time. They obviously wanna fuck the shit out of her. Of course, with Rarity, you needn't kidnap her to get her to clean your whistle, just ask. She's always happy to love you long time. Unfortunately, for our uninformed friends, they simply kidnap Rarity, leaving Spike, 'cause they're not gay. Spike is left to do his best Darth Vader impression.

 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

 

It's up to Spike to...go get help from the companions of his slave master. As the ponies dig and fight with the Diamond Dogs, as they're called, Spike daydreams about what Rarity must be having to do. Poor naive Spike doesn't realize she's waxing candlesticks, so he thinks some kind of epic battle is going down. He also dreams of this face.

 

...

 

Nightmare fuel, isn't it?

 

...

 

Why is it that Rarity always makes the scary faces?

 

...

 

Meanwhile, Spike kisses Rarity.

 

Spike! No! You have no idea where that tongue has been recently!!!!!!

 

Suddenly, everyone falls down a hole. Once they hit underground floor, they land in the Diamond Dogs' cave systems. Twilight uses the same gem finding spell to find Rarity, but all the while, she is in one of the Diamond Dog's corridors sucking them all locating gems for them. Rarity takes this point in time to start fucking with the dogs, and not in a physical way. No, she actually starts to bitch, moan, question their logic, and insult the hell out of them (kind of how I act with other humans) in order to annoy them enough to let her go. Over time, this eventually wears the dogs down. She is no longer screwable.

 

Rarity impersonating Tumblr users on a daily basis.

 

Once Twilight and the gang finally find Rarity, and Spike ready to save the day, the dogs have had enough and willingly return her to freedom. And with her, she is allowed take a shit ton of a gems with her. The dogs look mortified. They probably saw her rotting, STD-infested c*Saves Draft*nt, and realized they had AIDS now, but I digress. In the end,

. I bet you'd love that moral, Twilight, considering you've cheated the laws of time and physics that would make oneself weak! SPILL THE SECRETS OF YOUR IMMORTALITY ALREADY!!!!

 

...

 

And that was "A Dog and Pony Show."

 

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Huh. That was thoroughly enjoyable.

 

I actually found the comedy to be to quite self-sufficient, the plotline didn't drag on like I initially thought it did, and the whole goal of the premise was executed in a creative, smartass way. Unlike previous portrayals of the character, Rarity kicks all kinds of ass in this episode, and the moral is a strong one itself. Though I'm not sure the whole "whining to get your way" is a good moral for children, it's a perfect moral for adults. I mean, just look at any civil rights movement in today's society. #REKT This is all excusable, however. A point off for the fact that this isn't an episode I'd come back to watch over and over, so similarly to how I ranked "Applebuck Season," I am going to give "A Dog and Pony Show" a 9/10.

 

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Ugh, Christ, I'm tired, though.

 

No sleep in four days can't be healthy. I guess you could say I'm a....living...tombstone....

 

(LAUGH TRACK LOL)

 

In that case, I'm going to sleep for the next 48 hours, and then on Monday, I'll hit the books again to unravel the mystery of Twilight's immortality. 'Cause this shit is pissing me off now. Like, I'd strangle Twilight, but she'd just come back to life again!

 

(LAUGH TRACK LOL x2 FUNNY)

 

With that, see you guys on Monday.

 

 

:okiedokielokie: