Before I had gotten into MLP, I had been doing a bit of research into topics such as addiction, parenting in psychological development and human behavior. From this I was seeing how good humans can be. Some time later, I gave the show a chance and that's what got me convinced that bronies could have the potential to do some real good in the world. With Dr. Gabor Maté's scientific but valid hand to matters of addiction, of chronic illness, Dr. Gordon Neufeld's expansive knowledge on parenting and how that connects with Dr. Maté's work, Dr. Brené Brown on vulnerability and even Dr. James Gilligan who sees violence as a problem in public health and preventive medicine, adding all these on top of the magic of friendship may have turned the brony community into this place of refuge for the tormented. I even went out of my way to help comfort such tormented souls, almost acting as a surrogate parent. It did help with their stress and it was a heavenly experience in places while it lasted.

I'm fully aware how silly this sounds right now but this was the inspiration I had in the wake of being exposed to all of the above with FiM only being the cherry on top.

In the years that followed, several realizations were made. We as part of this fandom are nothing more than creators and consumers of content. Mostly the latter. Second, we are no different from those outside of our fanbase or even on the internet for that matter. Third, nobody is interested in anything I've mentioned above, they just want to go on consuming pony content and finally, people don't really give a damn about your feelings or what you've been through -- all people will care about is what you do in the immediate present and how it affects them. Your drives and motives are irrelevant.

More and more has this caused me to withdraw. I wish I could just say I felt lied to but in reality, I shouldn't have seen the brony community as anything more than what it is: a collection of people with a common interest in a particular genre of content -- nothing more and nothing less. I tried being open about my feelings as I believed to be encouraged to but that hasn't worked either because again, nobody wants to waste any time figuring out why you do whatever you do or did. Nobody wants to hear it.

What inspiration I got entering the fandom has eroded and I've seen myself return to my rather misanthropic ways. Now I seem more determined than ever to be this lone wolf where the less I need people or their approval, the better. I thought we were supposed to care for one another but seeing as that's not the case, the only person left to take care of me is myself. Not only has my inspiration been reversed but I've regressed even farther than that.

Friendship -- true friendship -- is a most precious gem. The reason for that is clear: there are very few people in this world you can trust and be confident in. Slip up in your judgment and unto you shall a wound be inflicted that may bleed your heart out. Should it come to that, you'll never be the same again.

For four years I've fought this realization but one can only BS oneself for so long. The futility of this struggle sinks down like a stone in a pool of filthy sludge: it may be slow and the sludge may get tougher the deeper down you go, but this stone sinks down with time. It is simply inevitable.