Two days ago, I've made the metamorphosis. I have graduated from age 16 to age 17. And I have to say..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..............I feel exactly the same. Still a pessimistic whiny bitch. GG, I r8 8/8, damn daniel, "The Cutie Pox".

 

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "The Cutie Pox", get a vaccine.

 

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My birthday gift was my Netflix password, which I found on the roof under the sofa inside the refrigerator near the bathroom. Only took me 21 reviews.

 

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So this episode opens up wi--------------------------------------------------------------------------j------sh-------jkl-----------------------------------corncum-----------------------------------------------------ir---------------------------------------------------se-r------------------------------------------NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

 

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FUCKINNN CUTIE MARK CRUSAADERRSSS!
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHey, this is the Big Lebowski reference scene. Wow, I can't believe how much I don't care. So, anyways, the Cutie Mark Crusaders fail at bowling and Apple Bloom is feeling particularly suicidal.

 

"1 out of 10 fillies take their own lives every 59.2 seconds. Will you be the difference?" -- Advertisement for Sugarcube Corner

 

Apple Bloom wanders into Everfree Forest and kills herself trips over a twig, which magically brings her to Zecora. After meeting the zebra once again (oh GOD the "Bridle Gossip" memories), she notices that the young pony has chipped a tooth on the fall, and whips up a potion to cure it. This leads Apple Bloom to have the brilliant idea of having a cutie mark magically given to her! Of course! Because that totally didn't exhaust Twilight when you asked her "Call of the Cutie". Remember how that didn't work?! ...No, no, this time it's different. This time she's asking Zecora for a brew to do it! Yes, from one minority to another. GG NO RE. When Zecora runs out of amythest, Apple Bloom takes it upon herself to bring the Heart's Desire flower into a mix to give her a cutie mark. Wow! Apple Bloom's talent totally doesn't involve mixing potions! No! It's totally helping other ponies get their cutie marks or some shit! "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" is such a genius episode! Fuckin' piece of shit. Anyways, as you might imagine, it works.

 

That's an odd looking potion bottle on your ass.

 

Actually, Apple Bloom's cutie mark represents an ability to be an expert hoola-hoopin' pony. And this is not just a paint on mark. The potion actually gives Apple Bloom the ability to be an expert hoola-hoopin' pony! I'd love me one of them potions so I can be an expert decent person. Or, with my defects, a more plausible potion is an expert in genocide. I mean, I already offed the Eskimos. Who knows what else I can accomplish. Anyways, when showing off her hoola-hoopin' talents, she manages to get Cheerliee to whoop her hoop commission the whole class to learning from Apple Bloom (dafuq?) and piss off Diamond Tiara. Sounds like a good day to me. Then, when she's showing off some more, BOOM! A second cutie mark appears!

 

Ah. Well, this is gonna go well.

 

Interestingly, the new cutie mark also gives Apple Bloom the ability to pull off both talents at once! When the rest of the family finds out, everyone's very excited, but Apple Bloom is very tired. You see, the potion is not allowing Apple Bloom to cease doing these things. Once she started back on the playground, she hasn't stopped all day. This becomes especially apparent when a third dancing cutie mark appears in the middle of the night and gets her up and grooving, waking both her and Applejack. There was some plague during the 1500's that killed a bunch of people by having them dance uncontrollably, right? Well, that makes this all the more hilarious. But in the realm of this episode, this is no laughing matter!

 

I mean it, Applejack! This is serious dizzeez!

 

When this shit happens, Applejack takes Apple Bloom to Twilight Sparkle to see what the fuck's up. That's when Apple Bloom acquires more cutie marks, including chimney sweeping, sculpting, accordion playing, and the ability to swear in French. Twilight discovers that this is the result of the Cutie Pox, which was an outbreak in ancient times that disappeared as mysteriously as it appeared. Kind of like the dancing plague of 1518! This IS the Equestrianizedadized version, isn't it?! AHAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!HHAHAHHAAH!H!HAHAH!HHAHAH!!!!!!! This is too much! *ahem*, I mean, unfortunately, there is no cure, and Apple Bloom's done doomed herself to multiple talents forever!

 

Zecora finds this as amusing as I.

 

Zecora suspects she knows what happened, so she decides to say that the cure is some truth seeds that will grow if someone tells the truth. After some time and trial, Apple Bloom admits that she whipped up a potion to give herself fake cutie marks. Only then does the pox die down. Apple Bloom soon learns that lying is shit and that she won't swing by Zecora's ever again. But Zecora assures Apple Bloom that "with each mistake you learn something new, growing up into a better you" "with each mistake you fuck up more, so go and die you little whore". From there, Apple Bloom writes her first letter to Celestia.

 

Spike's so fucking eager to write down a letter. WTF?

 

Apple Bloom learns that good things come to those who get off their ass and earn it wait, and so she grows into a much calmer and collected character. Just kidding. Five seconds after she learns this lesson, she un-learns it and the status quo is reset. GG NO RE.

 

That was "The Cutie Pox".

 

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Eh.

 

This episode, outside of its Dancing Plague parallels (which I still find hilarious), is pretty boring. I mean, yes, it did make me laugh on several occasions, but it really doesn't have the story 'nor the moral strength to back it up. The story's pretty bare-bones and dull and the moral is literally tossed out immediately after it's told. And not even in a comedic way! Well, actually, it's supposed to be funny, but it's not. It just feels like they got 94% through writing this episode and realized "oh, shit, Apple Bloom needs to be impatient to continue our story arc" and waited until season five to rape it. Now, everything said and done, I still like this episode for my amusement, but it's nothing special otherwise. I'm giving "The Cutie Pox" a 7/10.

 

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7/10?!

 

That...that's the lowest rating I've given to a season two episode thus far!

 

...

 

What is this witchcraft?!?!

 

 

Oh...God...no, no, no! This can't be happening now! I have more episodes to review!

 

What the fuck is this retard on about?

 

I've spent too long as a Celestianite to know what's coming next. Those insane fuckers prophesied the coming of a storm.

 

This shit again?

 

You don't understand, you bastard! Don't you feel the chill? There's no winter wrap up for this mess.

 

What mess?

 

Their books told of the seemingly perfect season. A string of 10/10s written to absolute perfection, giving the illusion of an improvement over its predecessor. But there will be series of dull moments that follow. The hatred will consume us all and we, not just as watchers of the show, but as a fandom, will fall apart at the base!

 

...Joyful...

 

It's coming, you guys. The end is near. An Armageddon that the Celestianites simply refer to as...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Crystalling.