*VWARP*And that's why Synergetic is a royal sack of shit ass balls.

 

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*sigh* I need to get this damned Hell Transporter repaired. I can't go on like this.

 

*checks time*

 

What? This piece of shit sent me to Friday at 2:00 AM?! You've got to be kidding me! I'm not reviewing an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic at 2:00 in the MORNING!!! Kill yourself!

 

*VWARP*

 

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*VWARP*-ell "Meadow" isn't complete shit. 'Nor is "Convect---"

 

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NO! WHAT?! NO!

 

Why is this piece of shit controlling my location! I am the human (sometimes), therefore I control everything! I'm American and I'm entitled!!!

 

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Wait, those two words are the same.

 

Anyways, back to me yelling at machines. What are you so eager for me to do that you have to drag me to Friday at 2:00 AM?!

 

 

...Oh, okay. Cool.

 

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, have a toxic glass of cider.

 

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This episode opens up with Fluttershy being rudely interrupted at a very early time of day. Kind of like I was, come to think of it. Except, instead of the disturbance being from an insolent, poorly built, piercingly annoying piece of shit machine, it is instead from an insolent, poorly built, piercingly annoying piece of shit character! Rainbow Dash! And what's the special occasion? Rainbow Fucker wants to get to some place early to be in line for the apple cider! Applejack make some good SIDDER BOOTIFUL MUSICS HARPLEJARKLE. *AHEM* Sorry, that still happens on occasion. So she tears that blanket off of Fluttershy a-

 

...

 

Oh no...

 

THE FANSERVICE CONTINUES!!!

 

Damn you have some tiny tits.

 

Unfortunately, Rai*Saves Draft*nbow Dash is too late, as Pinkie Pie and several other addicted asswipes are already in line for the cider. Moving swiftly passed the intro, Applejack finally announces that cider season has officially begun! However, while everyone and their grandmother's lesbian partner is here to get wasted off this cider, a couple of vaudeville rejects are here for another reason. To sell their own products. And at perfect time, too, as Rainbow Dash and the rest of this cunt town get angry over the Apple Family running out of cider. Before Applejack can fully defend the "care" that goes into making this shit, our campy gaylords tell the ponies that they have opportunity in their community, as the world famous Flim Flam brothers present their unbelievable, unimpeachable, indispensable, I-can't-believable, Flim Flam Brothers' Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000!

 

 

After a COMPETENT MLP song plays, what a fucking rarity that is, the Flim Flam brothers attempt to make a deal with the Apples. But they refuse, because they're shitheads, and the Film Flam brothers decide it's time to make enemies of the Apple family. What the hell kind of name is "Flim Flam brothers" anyway? Are they named "Flim Flim" and "Flam Flam", or "Flim Flam" and "Flam Flim"? Because it's like saying the Jackson brothers are the Jackie-Tito-Jermaine-Marlon-Michael-Randy Brothers. It just doesn't work. But fuck it, a cider war is going on. How delicious. Literally!

 

To put things into perspective, Granny Smith is some new wave feminist from Tumblr complaining about her first world problems that don't exist, and the Flim Flam brothers are me not giving 7 fucks and a royal runny shit after I've made some kind of generic "why aren't you in the kitchen" joke.

 

So to prevent being put out of business (ah, yes, remember how concerned Applejack was about her family business LAST EPISODE when she fucking RAN AWAY over coming in SECOND PLACE? Yeah, she suddenly cares now), the Apples agree to some kind of cider-off or something to compete for the best-tasting alcohol. After a half-assed training montage, the Mayor announces the games, stating that the winner will be the sole provider of cider for all of Ponyville. Isn't that a monopoly? Aren't monopolies, like, shitty? Isn't having a variety more democratic? Is democracy even a thing in this fucked up universe? I have a headache, and the Apple family's having a cow.

 

Applejack's going to need some HARDCORE celery after this.

 

Even at the top of their game, however, the Apples aren't making enough cider to the Flim Flam brothers' ratio. Why are they basing this contest off of who can make more cider? Shouldn't it be which cider tastes better? Or better yet, NOT HAVE A GODDAMNED MONOPOLY OF CIDER IN THIS TOWN?! Anyways, Twilight asks the Mayor if "honorary family members" can help, in which case she asks the Flim Flam brothers for approval. They don't care, so it's the rest of the main cast to the rescue as they help the Apples make their booze. They're soon making five barrels to the brothers' three, so the Flim Flam Fucks decide to double the power, which leads to a bunch of "bad apples" passing through their system. In the end, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy outdid our main characters, but unfortunately, their cider tastes like rotting corpses in the Ganges River. Ponyville rejects.

 

Bon-Bon, or Sweetie Drops, whatever the dipshit her name is now, has that "I'd like to speak to your manager" hairdo.

 

The Flam Flim Flicks decide to GTFO M8 and move on to the next town after they're booed. And in the end, it is the Apples that are chosen as the main source of cider for this god-forsaken town. And since they've made so much, there's plenty to go around! Except for Rainbow Dash. Fuck her. Meanwhile, Applejack writes a letter to Princess Celestia about how she didn't learn anything and that she was right all along. And hence a fantastic moral for children that you don't have to learn jack shit, right? I mean, I made that conclusion because I totally lack a sense of humor. I'm totally not mocking anyone. Totally. Oh, shit, CHEERS!

 

Sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows your name!

 

And that was "The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000"!

 

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I like this episode. It's got a really great song in it, the Flim Flam brothers are thoroughly entertaining, and unlike some other humorless fans, I take great pleasure in Applejack's "I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING" line. People often mistake this for there being a lack of a moral, even though Applejack literally told one immediately after that line, but fuck it I suppose. I do have a couple of problems with this episode, though. Like, why is there a monopoly for cider? It's not a government, it's a goddamn drink. Why can't there be more than one in a single town? Also, I kind of didn't care for the resolve, not because it was bad, it just wasn't fulfilling. I guess the same could be said for this whole conflict, but screw it. I still like "The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000", and I think it deserves an 8/10.

 

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Well, now I'm tired. Writing reviews at...what is it...3:00 AM now? How stimulating. It's not very fun, but I knew I wouldn't have time tomorrow to do jack shit other than work and date Joan Rivers in Hell, so I guess this fucking transporter decided "you better do this early before you delay another one." Still, this thing is very buggy. I'm going to have to fix it before it transports me here in the middle of pleasuring my lord. I'd get Zuko's punishment ten-fold....in the anus.

 

Anyw*VWARP*