So I watched The Legend of Korra...

 

...

 

Anyways, Welcome, one and all, to the season two wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!

 

 

This is it. The final episode before the two-part finale of their second season, "A Canterlot Wedding". Let's see if the lead-in to the conclusion is worthy. Spoilers ahead.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

So this episode ope-wait, shit I forgot to lock my car.

 

*VWARP*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*VWARP* Huh. Never expected to see Jesus in Hell.......................

 

So this episode opens up with a kick-ass looking cake that requires the entire main cast plus Big Mac to carry without seeking ruin. Um, here's a good idea: use a wheelbarrow. Wow, a logic fuck-up already and it's only the prologue. Sounds swell. After the title sequence does unspeakably horrible things to me physically that would make it impossible for me to continue to function and therefore write this entry in the first place for the sake of hilarity, we see that Pinkie Pie is taking the cake to Canterlot for a competition, and has subsequently invited her friends along. This cake is pretty complex shit, with all it's meringue and mascarpone madness, which visibly tempts the other five.

 

They all want to lick and gobble down the C.

 

However, some douchebag griffon comes in and claims his eclairs will win the competition instead. Err....I think a quadruple-decker marzipan mascarpone meringue cake takes ten times more effort than something you can buy at Dunkin' Donuts. Perhaps you should griffon the fuck off. Ah, that joke is still classic. Anyways, more assholes bring their contest entries, including Donut Joe with his city of donuts (actually, that one's the most creative, so that would probably win) as well as some stupid mule's chocolate moouse moose. There is a brief bickering battle as the train takes off, and Twilight breaks everything up by suggesting everyone go get a good night's rest for the competition.

 

...

 

Good night's rest? What the fuck? You're going to Canterlot, right? The ponies can literally walk from Canterlot to Ponyville in a matter of hours as shown in the season two premiere. Hell, you can see the fucking city from Ponyville, why would it take more than 12 hours to get there?! Not even finished with the first act and we're piling up on logic fuck-ups. In the midst of this, Pinkie Pie stays to guard the cake in the event of theft.

 

Guardians of the Delicacy.

 

However, during the night, three mysterious figures cause some trouble for Pinkie Pie. Having her run all the way from one end of the train to the next, leaving the cake unguarded. She even runs into the conductor's room....and doesn't ask them if they saw anything. Seriously, did logic switch off in Equestria for a day?! Alas, several bites are taken of the cake as discovered in the morning. Therefore, it is up to Twilight and Pinkie Pie to investigate this MMMystery and bring whoever's responsible to justice! This is where Pinkie Pie starts accusing the other bakers of doing it. The episode is probably not smart enough to go this route, but with Pinkie Pie's wild accusations, she herself is a reasonable suspect. As the accusations are told through pop culture references I don't care about, we discover that the other bakers' creations have been mutilated as well. This reminds me of the time I went to the carnival when I was four and captured the recession stand clerk......mutilation was the least of his worries.

 

Now that's more like it.

 

Twilight takes over the case, and starts inquiring Pinkie Pie as to what happened last night. The episode references Pinkie Pie being a possible culprit, but Twilight quickly dismisses this as a possibility and it's never brought up again. WHY NOT? Why would you assume Pinkie Pie didn't do this?! Anyways, Twilight starts collecting clues like a creep and inquires the whole story from Pinkie Pie, retracing steps and finding more evidence. After three discoveries, Twilight calls everyone back for the revelation. The first clue was a blue feather, which Pinkie believes came from the griffon. However, Twilight reveals that it was from Rainbow Dash, the element of loyalty. The second clue was a strand of pink hair in the conductor's hat, which Pinkie thought came from Rainbow Dash, but was actually from Fluttershy, the element of kindness. Egh, my point exactly. If she had asked the conductor if he saw anything, this episode would be practically null. Don't you just love when logic is sacrificed for plot convenience? The final nail clue is a stray fake eyelash from local town slut and element of generosity Rarity. It is concluded that all three of them raped Pinkie Pie's cake. What a loyal, kind, and generous thing to do your friend, you plot-induced stupid, out-of-character motherfuckers!

 

"It looked soooo good" my ass. Fuck this fuckin' episode.

 

But you know what? Pinkie Pie forgives them! Why? Who gives a shit! It's not like they betrayed her trust and walked over her ass, that any reasonable person would've told their "friend" to kindly go find a brick wall in a disease-ridden alleyway and use the rocky, bloodstained corners of the buildings as pleasure devices. Of course not! Then we wouldn't have a main cast! Therefore, this episode wouldn't be worth it, now would it?!? But just hold up a minute! Now we have to force in a dickhead moral about not jumping to conclusions and have Pinkie Pie solve the boring mystery of who ate the other baker's goods. Obviously it's the bakers, and everyone apologizes for their dumb shit as Applejack sits in the background serving absolutely no relevance to the plot. In the end, the bakers combine their remaining treats into one and submit it together. Naturally, it wins the competition.

 

What an abomination. Who the fuck would want to eat that?

 

Finally, Pinkie Pie eats the whole cake. The whole cake. And that concludes "MMMystery on the Friendship Express".

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

What a load of shit.

 

This episode is devoid of all logic from the get-go. From the very beginning, having everyone haul the goddamned cake by hand and going to extremes instead of doing something much more sensible, to the jump-starter of the story in having the train take all night to travel somewhere that's within viewing distance, and into the mystery's set-up with Pinkie Pie's negligence to expose the conductor, right down to complete ignorance of questioning Pinkie Pie's suspicious behavior, and finally by forcing Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fluttershy to the point of out-of-character betrayal only to have Pinkie Pie say, "oh, sure, it's okay that you've wasted my time, money, and effort for your own selfish gain. We're still totally best FRIENDS." Fuckity fuck this fuckin' piece of fuck that is "MMMystery on the Friendship Express". This is episode is even worse than "Secret of My Excess", because that one set up something beyond itself. This one doesn't even do that, which pisses me off even more. I hate when an episode wastes my time, or disappoints me in every aspect, but it really grinds my gears when it does that and it's completely skip-able. This slop-fest is completely deserving of its 2/10 rating, though at the very least it's not as cringe-inducing as "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" or "Simple Ways".

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I'm worried. That episode was complete shit, and this is the lead-in to the finale of season two! What if this finale falls flat on its ass? Most of my praise for season two in the past would completely evaporate.

 

I suppose we'll just have to see next week, but just out of curiosity, who penned this royal sack of duck splooge?

 

 

..Wh....What?!

 

 

 

A.......Amy Keating Rogers?!

You know, aside from the atrocity of "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" and some other mediocre episodes in season one & four, I notice that Amy Keating Rogers has written some of the best MLP episodes.

 

I....I...thought.....

* Bridle Gossip
* The Cutie Pox
* The Last Roundup
* MMMystery on the Friendship Express
* Filli Vanilli
* CRUSADERS OF THE LOST MARK

 

.....s....so.....................Amy Keating Rogers...is a bad writer?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everything I know is a lie.