"When the bad seeds are planted, and you dare shed a tear, that's when you know that the end will be near".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Who the fuck wrote this on my computer monitor? Better yet, why in red sharpie?

 

...

 

Well, folks, it seems I have a freeloader in my house trying to fuck with me. I'll have to multitask for this review. Watch the episode, write down the events and take notes, and polish my shotgun. I promise that's not a euphemism this time. Meanwhile, it's time to kickstart the reviews for season three of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Now, it is true that I used to call season three the worst season of the show. However, as we go through each of the thirteen episodes, we're gonna find out just how true that is, and if this really marks the beginning of the end of good quality from the series. Without further ado, part one of the season three premiere: "The Crystal Empire".

 

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "The Crystal Empire (Part 1)", please take the time now to close the browser, go outside, find a nice prickly bush, and incessantly beat it with your birthday suit.

 

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This episode opens up with Princess Celestia in Canterlot, as a guard rushes in to tell her that "IT" has returned. Holy shit, he's right! They're making a new movie for Stephen King's It in 2017! It has returned! Run, before Pennywise shreds you a new asshole!!! In the wake of this horrifying news, Celestia orders that Princess Cadence and Shining Armor be alerted immediately. I sincerely doubt they would be available, considering this is so soon after their wedding. Odds are the two are "saving Canterlot" in the bedroom right now. It is then that Celestia writes to Twilight, beckoning her to Canterlot immediately. After the title sequence blends my liver into a protein shake and spills itself through my spleen until it ruptures and protrudes from my fingers, causing an inverse in body temperature and turning me into a frozen pile of gelatin blood, we see that Twilight is being naturally in panic mode after being summoned by her idol for a "test".

 

A face only a purple pony could love.

 

Her friends watch i*Saves Draft*n concern as she hastily searches for her flash cards. Spike tells her to calm down, because it's "just a test", which prompts her to blow her library into the sky. Ah yes, two statements are to be made about this. 1) How the fuck did anyone survive that? 2) If you thought that was bad, just wait until you see what the library looks like at the end of season four! *badumtssszzzssz* Later, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna discuss ominously this "empire" which has returned. Given the title of the episode, I'm just going to go off a hunch and say that this empire is probably the British Empire. However, all will be revealed in due time, including the possibility of Twilight being that much closer to being "ready". For what, exactly? Gee.........I couldn't imagine. It's not like I've already seen the season three finale. That's when Twilight barges in like a bitch with all her notes and shit.

 

With Twilight, Celestia's use of the phrase "bitch, don't be such a fucktard" will never cease.

 

It is here that Celestia reveals that this is no ordinary test. It is instead regarding the return of an empire...the Crystal Empire. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, so THAT'S the name of the ominous empire! I could've never have figured that out! Celestia explains that the Crystal Empire has been "gone" for (you guessed it) "1,000 years", and that many ponies knowledge of it, even her own, is limited. Back then, a unicorn by the name of King Sombra took over the empire and enslaved all its citizens. However, Celestia and Luna defeated him and banished the king to the arctic north. Wait, wait, wait a minute. You saved the Crystal Empire?

 

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Oh, how convenient.

 

THEN HOW THE FUCK IS YOUR KNOWLEDGE "LIMITED?!"

 

I mean COME ON, Meghan! If CELESTIA and LUNA saved the empire ONCE, they SURELY KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT IT. They didn't just save a bunch of people and then say HAH, FUCK Y'ALL NIGGAZ, FAM. #YOLO. The argument could be made that Sombra enacted the curse to get rid of the empire before Celestia could study it, but clearly the empire existed beforehand, and it should be Celestia's job to know what civilizations preside in her kingdom. It's clear that Celestia wants to see if Twilight can help protect this empire, and learn the lesson so that she'll be "ready" for the finale's events, but why would you gamble with an ancient empire? Be a figure of authority in your fucking kingdom for once and DEAL WITH SHIT. Ugh.........so it's off to the empire to assist Princess Cadence and Shining Armor in protecting the empire. However, Twilight discusses her fears of failing the test through song.

 

This song is actually pretty shit. Avoid it at all costs.

 

Twilight then gathers up her homies and declare that they are going to the Crystal Empire! You know what just occurred to me? That sounds like the name of a drug lord's network of meth. "The Crystal Empire", guaranteed to make you disappear for 1,000 years. Upon arrival, the ponies find they must travel a great distance in the barren snow to reach the empire. Oh, geez, the meth empire jokes just keep writing themselves. That's when Shining Armor shows up to lead the way, and explains they must move briskly to avoid capture by the other "it" that's returned.....King Sombra. Son of a motherfucking bitch, it's always something, isn't it? Luckily, through trial, error, and bloodshed, everyone manages to sort of make it out of the storm without bruise. Except, Shining Armor received an unfortunate fate.

 

This is what happens when you try unusual positions in order to save a city without testing your spouse for STDs.

 

This unicorn syphilis means that Shining Armor will be unable to assist in the ways he previously has....I guess....but fuck that shit, we're here! The Crystal Empire! And in good time, too, I'm in desperate need of some high flying if you know what I mean. Hence, they make their way to the castle to meet up with Princess Cadence, who has been using her love and light powers to hold off against Sombra. However, it's been chipping away at her strength, and given Shining Armor's current unfortunate predicament, there's no one to help her. Also, since they've been spending all their time up in the castle, they haven't been able to talk to the Crystal Ponies about what could be used to help protect them as well. Ah, there are Crystal Ponies, are there? Great, we can all get high together, then. Twilight deducts that the best course of action is for her and her friends to conduct research on the ponies in order to figure out what other precautions to take. Hence, our heroes take to the streets, but are met with unhappy spirits. I mean, I would be too if I were hooked on crystals for 1,000 years. It's great every once and a while, but you gotta stop for breath.

 

"Sarah, this is an intervention. We're concerned about you."

 

The entire empire seems to be suffering from extreme PTSD about King Sombra, feeling like 1,000 years was "just yesterday". This leads to some interestingly gruesome dialogue, it's so artsy I love it. They regroup with zero intel, Pinkie Pie stating her cover has been blown after coming out of a Fluttershy costume. I have to say, as per usual course, Pinkie Pie is fucking hilarious in this episode. Our main characters must find a way to restore pride to the people of Crystal, as Applejack mentions that there's a local library they can learn some history through. They discover an ancient festival that used to take place here, the Crystal Fair, and plan to reprise it so that the Crystal Ponies can renew their spirit of love and unity. Oh, shit, this is actually

. Groovy, man. After they've set up everything, Applejack takes intrigue in some heart-shaped contraption, in which Twilight explains was a centerpiece that she recreated. Hmm....something tells me the Crystal Heart is actually important and shouldn't have been "recreated". It's not like I've seen Part 2, or...

 

The Crystalling.

 

Nope, completely foreign foreshadowing to me. As such, the festivities begin, and spirits are briefly renewed. However, trouble arises when its discovered that the Crystal Heart is not just a "centerpiece", but more like the entire point of the festival, and must be powered by the Crystal Ponies to restore protection to the empire. Oh, shit! You mean it's an actual relic! Well fuck me silly, this is an exciting revelation! Even worse, it is revealed that Sombra actually hid the real heart somewhere, and no one knows where it is. Just when shit couldn't get any fucking worse, Cadence passes out, breaking the love barriers and letting King Sombra back into the empire!

 

SON OF A PIP!

 

So concludes "The Crystal Empire (Part 1)"

 

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Wait...what?

 

Th...That's the end of Part 1?!

 

NO! You ASSHOLES! It was just getting GOOD!

 

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Well, fair to say, I actually enjoyed the first part, so much that I was upset when the credits rolled for the cliffhanger. Twilight's trials seem decently paced, if I can remember when Part 2 is going, but I'm going to have to wait and see. I'll be honest, though, I did not like the first half of this episode. With all its wonky backstory and shitty setups, the premise of this episode did not seem promising at all. I also got very angry with Celestia being a lazy bitch cunt about the Crystal Empire. I understand the direction of the season and all that, but it just paints Celestia in bad light as a princess as I've previously explained. Then there was all the sloggy shit with getting to the empire and the boring musical number. However, the second half really did pick up, with Pinkie Pie's fantastic comedic timing, the execution of the "plan", the PTSD citizens in all their intriguing, cleverly-thought out glory, and finally that badass cliffhanger where everything seems just about ready to crumble! Goddamn! If the first half was as good as the second, this would easily make a 10/10. However, I do have to be fair and deduct a few points off for the shitty start. Therefore, "The Crystal Empire (Part 1)" deserves an 8/10.

 

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Well, I'm genuinely interested to see where this goes. I honestly can't remember what happens in part two, so this should be an exciting experience. In such case, I will see you all once again next Friday when we continue...

 

My Little Pony....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

is..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a Drug Lord's Paradise!