20+ seasons of this motherfucking shit.......................................

 

......................I don't think I can hold out that long.

 

I always assumed that this show would last four seasons max, until there was a season five, six, and now seven. The direction of my review columns are heavily reliant on the direction of the series, but what if this series never fucking ends?! What the fuck am I gonna do then?! I can't go on forever! I can barely deal with shit I have now!

 

Woe-eth me!

 

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Huh, "Sleepless in Ponyville". Not bad. Spoilers ahead.

 

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So this episode opens up with Scootaloo treading some sick ground on her scooter, broski. However, when Rainbow Dash interrupts her with "nice moves", she crashes into a bale of hay and is instantly impaled to death. And so concludes "Sleepless in Ponyville".

 

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Wow, what a great episode this was.

 

The character development was so fucking fantastic I couldn't even. I especially like how the cow eating Scootaloo represents the corruptibility of the music industry or some shit, and Rainbow Dash's comment represents the oppression of people who like to complicate their personalities by assigning made-up genders to themselves and then forcing their mental retardation on the rest of the world. A fantastic social commentary never to be topped by anything in the history of everything ever. I give this episode a "holy shitballs" as well as a 10/10!

 

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Oh, that's right, the title sequence hasn't done something unspeakably horrible to me yet. The episode must not be finished...

 

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So after the title sequence stretches my asshole ten miles wide and forces the entire city of Chicago in it, encouraging me to vomit that city out of the other end and make Detroit, Scootaloo fangirls over Rainbow Dash to the other CMC.

 

Apple Bloom is contemplating the meaning of life, Scootaloo is suffering a seizure, and Sweetie Belle has completely snapped. Average day for the CMC!

 

It was at this point in the episode that my internet crashed for several hours. Well, time to rethink my theology...again. Scootaloo starts rambling about how Rainbow Dash is the greatest thing ever and that she needs to spend more time with her so she can take her under her wing as like a big sister or some shit. Holy shit....the fan-fics are coming true. THE FAN-FICS ARE COMING TRUEE!!!!! Apple Bloom suggests that since she and Applejack are going camping, she can get Harplejarkle to invite Mareblow Dash and Rarity as well, so all three of the motherfuckers can kick it in the woods. However, Rarity despises camping, because she wouldn't be able to prostitute to woodland creatures.......yet. Sweetie Belle convinces her with cuteness and the story is set! Off they go into the mountains for some raunchy-ass entertainment and mass slaughter! A fantastic line of dialogue ensues:
Raritits: "Are we therreee yett?"
Applerack: "The last thousand times you asked that, the answer was no. This time, it's actually yes!"

 

Well stroke my penis and call me Betsy, that made me chuckle like a motherfucker. That's when Rainbow Dash shows up with the morning wood.

 

Yikes, Rainbow Dash. There are children here. Do you think you could wait until later to jerk off? ...................Wait, YOU HAVE A DI-?!

 

So Scootaloo is having a shit time trying not to look like a little bitch in front of Rainbow Dash, as expected. A thought just occurred to me. Why is this called "Sleepless in Ponyville" if they're in the woods outside of Ponyville? Another question that will never be answered from good 'ol Prymie. Things get worse when Rainbow Dash tells a scary story, and Scootaloo tries to hide the fact that she's scared. This haunts her throughout the night as she fails to get much sleep. Well, we've got the sleepless part of the title down, though sleepless is a given any time Rarity is involved in the story. Even when she does manage to sleep, hi-jinx in the form of nightmares ensue, which leave Scootaloo in an excellent quagmire for the duration of the camping trip. The next night, Applejack thinks its a good idea to omit the tents for a nearby cave. Because caves are very safe, aren't they? Nothing bad could ever be inside of a cave. Except, y'know, woodrats, foxes, wolves, raccoons, bears, cave spiders, scorpions, cockroachs, and three-fifths of my family. Needless to say, this doesn't help Scootaloo's predicament, and at campfire time, she's a bigger wreck than before.

 

"I think I just shit myself."

 

Tonight's story is of the Headless Horse...I think...and the creepy tale of that. Hilariously, Applejack chimes in with rebuttals such as "how does it know where it's going" and "where's its brain?". This doesn't phase Scootaloo, who's having more seizures in the corner. For the rest of the night, Scootaloo tries to stall bedtime by having Sweetie Belle sing 99 buckets of oats, as well as offering hide and seek and other sexual innuendos as passtime. Instead, everyone tells Scootaloo to kill herself, so she has more nightmares. This time, it's of being chased by the Headless Horse...I think...as Scootaloo runs for her motherfuckin' life. When she's cornered and has nowhere to run, the horse just kind of waves its hooves around the air for several seconds on end. Yeah....I don't know how you could be scared by that. Just sodomize the fucker and move on with your life. Instead, Scootaloo is visited by someone completely different than who both she and the audience expected.

 

Gee, Luna. So nice of you to make an appearance for once. And with more than two lines? Well, fuck me silly!

 

Luna, Princess of the Night......and stalking people in their dreams......assures Scootaloo that when she wakes, what she fears the most will still exist. Nay, it is not the Headless Horse...I think...'nor that creepy lady from the first story. It is her fear of appearing to be a..........wait for it.....................chicken in front of Rainbow Dash.

 

OOOH THE WONDERFUL MEMEAGE. SHOWER ME WITH YOUR APPROVAL AND/OR MONEY!!!!!!!!!!

 

Luna advises Scootaloo to face her fears, but of course she doesn't and instead........chickens out................*ahem*....and rides her scooter into the night. However, after a measly pebble sends Scootaloo overtop of a waterfall hanging on for dear life, it seems it's all over for our favorite cutie mark crusader. When she falls to her death, Rainbow Dash jumps in and saves the shit out of her, thankfully. But now it's time for her to face her fears, as Rainbow Dash is about to smack Scootaloo a new asshole. So, she confesses: she wanted Rainbow Dash to take her under her wing and be like her big sister, but she became scared of her campfire stories and didn't want to look like a..............chicken. Then, in a strange twist of fate, Rainbow Dash reveals that when she first heard the story, she chickened out too! What's this? There are two chickens?! Holy shit, dude! And...in the end...Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo share a heartfelt moment solidifying their "sisterly" relationship for the rest of the series.

 

THEEEEEE FANN-FICSSSSSS ARE COMING TRUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

By the end, Scootaloo learns to face her fears, Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo race, and Luna does a creepy ass wink. So concludes "Sleepless in Ponyville".

 

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Wow, what a great episode this was.

 

The character development was so fucking fantastic I couldn't even. More specifically, the dynamic of Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo is brought into fruition for the first time. I love this episode for essentially the same reason I love "Look Before You Sleep". This episode solidified a relationship between two rather undeveloped characters that benefits them both, in both the short and the long-term. This is something Scootaloo needed as a character for a damn good while, as I understand this is her first focus episode, but also Rainbow Dash was in desperate need of this as well. An inkling of real humanity in her character, and it's taken to its fullest within the last five minutes or so. For these reasons, I've always loved this episode, and for doing Scootaloo as well as Rainbow Dash some damn good justice, I give this episode a "holy shitballs" as well as a 10/10!

 

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Well, that was amazing....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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But there's still going to be seven motherfucking cock-pissing asslicking seasons of this show!

 

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Seriously, guys. What the hell am I going to do? I don't want to be writing review columns into my goddamned thirties! The show is clearly jumping the shark given season five! So what the shit is a bitch like me to do?!

 

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