OK, honestly I am not much for reviews or playthroughs, I am just not fond of sitting down and trying to write about my thoughts on any game or having people watch me play anything. However I did promise someone I would give it a go, so that is what i am doing. So without further ado, here is my incredibly semi sort of playthrough and review of a classic NES game... 8 Eyes! And by playthrough I actually mean pictures of screen shots with my assorted rambles and comments thrown underneath. I'll try and keep them sort of brief, but no promises. And by review, I mean just my totally awesome and yet irrelevant opinions. I don't claim to be an expert at reviewing games, just an expert on giving my opinion of them.

 

 

I'll let you know right up front, this story has nothing to do with real eyes, so any ophthalmologists out there thinking you have just found your ultimate wet dream can put those tissues away. 8 Eyes is actually in reference to the 8 stones you have to dally around the world to pick up.

 

The Story:

 

After hundreds of years of chaos, mankind has finally emerged from the ruins of nuclear war. This world of the distant future has once again flourished under the guidance of the Great King, who harnessed the power of the 8 Eyes to rebuild the planet. These strange jewels of power were formed at the eyes, or center, of the eight nuclear explosions which nearly destroyed the Earth. In the wrong hands, the 8 Eyes could cause untold destruction... And now, they have been seized by the Great King's eight Dukes, in a desperate bid to gain control of the world for themselves. They have banished the King to the nuclear wastelands, and already their squabbling threatens to plunge the world into war once again! The task of retrieving the 8 Eyes falls to you, Orin the Falconer, the bravest and mightiest of the King's Guardsmen. With your fighting falcon, Cutrus, you must penetrate each of the 8 Dukes' castles. There you will face the Dukes' soldiers, and battle strange nuclear mutants such as living skeletons, giant wasps, and mud men. You must defeat the monstrous Boss of each castle to retrieve the Jewel of Power he guards. Then, to complete your quest, return the 8 Eyes to the Altar of Peace to await the return of the Great King, so that he may finish the rebuilding of Earth. Your reward will be the eternal gratitude of all mankind!
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The gratitude of ALL mankind? What about gold, land or getting to be a contestant on jeopardy? Fuck that gratitude thing!

 

"Hello? Ford Motors? Yes I would like to buy a new SUV... do you take gratitude? You see, i have a whole lot of it in surplus and I thought I would put some of it to use to finally get that babe magnet I've been looking at... and to you know.... *cough* get my mom to quit driving me from country to country to defeat evil and stuff. Hello? Hello?... HELLO!!!?"

 

Besides... I am taking the jewels back from people living in these countries, not sure how grateful they will be for me swiping their knick knacks... I think ALL mankind might be stretching it a bit.

 

So with that out of the way, lets get to the elephant in the room right away when it comes to this game.

 

I am a huge Castlevania fan.. I mean a huge one. That includes the classic series as much as the later games they put out, and holy shit... it doesn't matter whether you are squinting from far away or have your face pressed to the television screen this will pass for a Castlevania game. It is not just a Castlevania clone, it is Castlevania that ducked under the counter and came back up wearing a fake mustache. They literally stole Simon's whip away from him, gave him a pretty tiny dagger, and then tossed a bird side kick in because who doesn't want to bring their pets along when saving the world?

 

Play style... well remember when I said the game is a clone... hell yeah you do because I just finished saying it, AGAIN! I cannot stress how much you seriously cannot play this game without being reminded with every step that this is a Castlevania clone through and through... if Simon took a wet fart, Orin had to change pants. However, where Simon and company get a whip.. you get a sword.... with an awful fucking hitbox. Seriously.. you would have better luck dropkicking the enemies than hitting them with your blade without taking damage yourself.

 

Cutrus is a nice addition to the game to be fair. he is the falcon that flies around grabbing crap for you, leaving dead mice in your pocket for souvenirs and occasionally smacking an enemy. Also he is one the cool ways where 8 Eyes varies from that other game I should stop name dropping, in the fact that he makes 8 Eyes a two player game. That's right, you and a friend can team up. You get to be the mighty falconer with the not-so-mighty sword, your bud gets to be the bird bringing you stuff and occasionally plastering enemies with droppings. In this regard the game can be pretty fun, in solo play though, controlling Cutrus is right up there with using sandpaper toilet paper... you can do it if you have to, but holy crap is it rough... you will probably use a swear word or three!

 

Now one place 8 Eyes blows 'Vania out of the water, is difficulty. You will WISH Dracula would come back after a couple of levels of this game. Some of the levels and enemies feel more like self punishment than actual challenging gameplay. And to make it more vile, that is just on the NORMAL setting! There are two more fucking difficulty levels above that one. Hard and "Go die in a hole weeb". I've beat it on normal, and gotten 3/4 of the way through hard before deciding just running into the wall at top speed gave me the same feelings of pain but without the hand cramps. Screw you very hard, I am not into masochistic entertainment, unless you bring me flowers or something.. then we'll talk. The main issue is just the damn hitbox on your weapon, and some of the more dastardly enemies you will encounter in the levels. The bosses are not too bad once you get used to them, but some of the regular levels are just such a damn pain.

 

Anyway, let's do a sort of walk-through review shall we? Stop reading now if you don't like spoilers of really old retro NES games.
So where do we start huh? Well you get to take your pick actually! You can play through any of the levels beside the House of Ruth at your leisure. However, because the developers were dicks they did put in a certain order you should play them in. If you do not play it in this order, the difficulty goes up even higher. You see to make a long story short, as you finish levels, you get new sword power ups, but the power up only effects ONE of the other bosses... so if you get the power up and choose the wrong next level you basically just threw that power up away. So, indeed 8 Eyes gives you an increase in power, so long as you do exactly what it tells to you to do with it. Take that free will!

 

 

So I am starting in Spain. Because why the hell not? Because I don't want to spend more time cursing than I need to! For post apocalyptic worlds, you don't visit any of the "worlds" actually, just a bunch of houses. No exploring the war torn country-side, just a bunch of plodding around in strangers homes. Where clothes are entirely optional as you shall see.

 

 

This place does not look too Spanish if you ask me... there are no bullfighting pictures anywhere! What about football (soccer to Yanks) or Flamenco dancers? How can I get into a Spanish mindset without pictures of bulls getting murdered or my favorite sports teams? Oh well, let's go inside anyway..

 

 

I know a Jason door when I see one. And I have seen enough Friday the 13ths to know what happens when i go in one. Awfully nice of the people of Spain to label their doors as definitely not emergency exits. Also, that is the happiest bat I have ever seen. Onwards and upwards!

 

 

What? Castlevania clone? What makes you think so? I am wearing a Batman sidekick costume, this is nothing like a Castlevania game! Ignore those stairs and my appearance walking up them, and that knight at the top and those sort of Medusa heads. Nope, no clones here! Excuse me while I change pants... again. Screw you Simon!

 

 

Holy crap dude, put on some clothes! Is the apocalyptic future really so bad you have to go around fighting people in your tighty whiteys wearing dirty gym socks? Apparently for the people of Spain it is.

 

But I could be mistaken, he might not be attacking me at all, just working on his high kicks for the High School Musical enactment of The Karate Kid 3.

 

Ah well time for a boss...

 

 

OMG! Are you a giant Keebler elf? Is that a severed head? Is that a horribly cheap nerf sword? So many questions! This is like a collection of my lamest nightmares all come to life at once. Also what a splendid mustache. Bosses in this game are less of a fight and more of a war of attrition, you just go back and forth popping them and using subweapons and such to stun them... in this case throw some frozen balls to get in some free hits.

 

Another way in which this game differs from Castlevania, is what happens when you beat a boss.

 

 

You have tea with them!! Served by a skeleton!! This game just got a little cooler I think. Also make note of this scene, since it is far different than all the rest for the most part. I wonder if he is having "green" tea? What a pleasant way to end a particularly difficult disagreement with an an evil duke intent on killing you. Dracula could learn a thing or two about civility from these guys.

 

Anyway.. onward to Egypt! Home of the pyramids and crazy archeologists battling Nazis.

 

 

Well it is pyramid shaped I suppose... Nice hats guys! The conehead look is apparently hot in Egypt in the far flung future! Or maybe they are just all really huge fans of Ancient Aliens. What am I saying... Ancient Aliens has no fans... people just watch for Giorgio Tsoukalos' hair because it is just so mesmerizing. I once sent it a love letter, but it's agent wrote back that it was currently seeing William Shatner's toupee and the two were quite happy. Needless to say, I was crushed. Anyway.. hey a door! Let's see what's behind it!

 

 

Hey guys... Dracula called... he is issuing a cease and desist order on the use of his Blood Skeletons. And boy was he pissed! He said you could have the Fleamen though since no one likes them anyway. Seriously, I know different game and all... but fuck fleamen.

 

 

Strange place to store you toiletries I must say. Don't you people believe in closets and pantries. Oh right.. you're a bunch of undead... what are you doing with toiletries anyway?

 

 

"Does this smell infected to you?"

 

"Good lord it's all green!!!!"

 

"Well I am a troll monster..."

 

"Oh... right.... yeah, it smells infected."

 

 

Egypt boss.... Every bodies grandfather! Or maybe that eccentric uncle no one talks about unless the kids are out of the room. Great job matching the robe to your hair color gramps! I bet that took some time to find at your local Wal-Mart in the bargain bins. Again, just use your freeze balls.

 

 

What the hell? Was the teal not doing it for you? Did orange suddenly become all the rage after your defeat? The waiter is dead, no need to wow him with your fashion sense. Still good at matching the wardrobe to hair color though.

 

"The carpet matches the drapes to... care for a peek?"

 

"No.. no I don't."

 

And with that disturbing encounter out of the way, onward to Italy!

 

 

Wow.. Italy sure loves their green houses. Also their door switches look like lipstick, just pointing that out. And it is pretty dumb to put the switch to open your front door on the outside of your house. You have to call your neighbors to let you out just to mow your lawn. I bet the owners have to put on parachutes just to go grocery shopping.

 

 

UTINNI! Man Star Wars is everywhere since Disney got the license. Sorry sir there are no Droids here... in fact this is not even Tatooine! Get the hell out here and back to your own franchise! Where is a Stormtrooper when I actually need one?

 

 

The fashion faux pas continues! Your choice of horrors....naked Don Rickles or Santa Clause in a diaper. The enemies in this game just love to toe the line with indecent. Of course when you have survived a nuclear holocaust I suppose you can pretty much wear what you want to right?

 

 

Dude pay attention and get off your cellphone and fight me!

 

"Sorry dude... gotta go, this lame-o here is really affecting my mood... Yeah we can totally play some CoD later. I'll have to get permission from my mom though"

 

And now for a double boss! Well, not really but that is what I am calling it.

 

 

"C'mon Heathcliff, lets go get your litter box changed.... all of Italy is complaining."

 

"Phew! I'll say!"

 

You actually don't have to kill the cat to beat him... but all it does is get in the way so you might as well. You can get an invincibility in this fight to make it easier for the first part of it. Use the freeze balls for rest of it... hell just use the freeze balls for every boss fight, who am I kidding?

 

 

Did you just feel the need to take off your coat or something? I feel so overdressed now. So... sorry about killing your cat? Especially after you changed the box. My bad. Maybe you could let some kids play in it or something.

 

Onto India before I get reported to the ASPCA... if they still exist that is.

 

 

Welcome to India, land of the Taj Mahal... but we are not going there... just another small house.... I wonder have all the people in these countries just moved into one building each and designated it the official "new country"? The accommodations must be horrible! The line for the bathrooms must be insane.

 

 

"Taste my boxing glove on a spring!"

 

"It tastes terrible!"

 

"Yeah punching all these naked bearded guys in the junk gives it that strong aftertaste"

 

 

And about those naked bearded guys... clothes must also be a luxury in future India. Either that or the humidity is JUST that bad. You would think with guys running around with spring loaded boxing gloves they would learn to adopt pants with built in cups. I mean what else is anyone going to do with those things?

 

 

Boss time... and he IS FABULOUS! You don't see wardrobes like that outside of getting dressed in a dark room from a strangers closet these days. And he is bringing back disco in style from the looks of it.

 

 

Apparently having your ass kicked included having the fashion sense kicked right out of you as well. That might be a good thing for the people of India, since they were getting tired of every Friday being forced to do the YMCA dance. Onto Africa where they certainly are not into doing the hustle.. I hope. I left the 70's for a reason.

 

 

Hmmm giant doorbell? Giant door...? If King Kong does not answer I will be so disappointed. Of course if he does answer I will have a whole lot more to worry about than a bunch of glittery doorstops and what I will do with 85lbs of gratitude...

 

 

Seriously... dudes... what is it with no one in the future wearing any clothes and diapers being the preferred armor??

 

"We are under attack, EVERYONE, get your fetish gear! We will make him so uncomfortable he will have to retreat!"

 

Hah! The jokes on you guys, I got through Custer's Revenge, Conker's Bad Fur Day and The XXX Adventures of X-Man. This is a cake walk!

 

Better just hurry to the boss though, this is starting to creep me out a bit I admit.

 

 

Wow.. even the boss is under-dressed. You would think if someone was invading your house you would have the good sense to not go out in your under-roos to fight them. By the way, nice fish tale hand... do you know Aqua-Man?

 

 

And another quick costume change. Looks like you went and put on some armor just so you could have some tea. Glad we understand your priorities fish-boy. I know there is a skeleton serving us, but all he is armed with is teacups and sugar packages... I would imagine that is less dangerous than me with a sharp object.

 

Onward to Germany!

 

 

Italy called.. they want their house back... or at the very least quit stealing all their green paint! Of course for all I know maybe green is the only color of paint left in the world... that means in Germany all the muppets on Sesame Street will be Oscar and all the Volkswagens will be piled around stop signs.

 

 

Hey look! A cameo by the face dude from SMB2 whenever you steal a key! Glad to see he is still making a living outside of a Mario game that no one actually likes! I wonder if he is still friends with that dude from Star Trek 5 and dating the Gorgon heads from Castlevania? I would ask him but I see a key over there...

 

 

"coo coo I'm a bird"

 

"Yes, yes you are. Can we get on with it now?"

 

"Flap flap whooooshhhh"

 

*Face palm*

 

 

"I am really embarrassed by that whole bird thing, and especially when I laid that egg at the top of the stairs"

 

"Don't worry about it.. at least you are wearing pants"

 

BTW, I notice he did not feel the need to change clothes after getting his ass kicked. I guess once you've pantomimed Big Bird in front of your would be assassin you've done laid all the shame cards on the table.

 

Onto Arabia!

 

 

Now this actually reminds me of an Arabian setting. I would totally believe it if Jafar answered the door right now. I just hope that stupid parrot is not with him. Seriously... Gilbert Gottfried sucks. He can kill other comedy acts by just having his name shouted out loud during a performance. He is like kryptonite to comedy. Also, it is here I started really getting bored of doing this and tried speeding it up some.

 

 

"Dirty street-rat! What have you done with Princess Jasmine!"

 

"Robin Williams help me!!!!"

 

 

"I can show you the world!"

 

"Is it located outside of this house? If so, I'm all yours!"

 

 

Wow, you traded in your turban for a sailor hat? Or is that a stylish beanie? The world may never know.... and even if it did.. would it care?

 

"This is for those Aladdin jokes, isn't it? And my Gottfried insults"

 

"Yes"

 

And now we are able to tackle the House of Ruth.

 

 

The House of Ruth also doubles as a Red Cross shelter. Who knew?

 

 

What!!!! But we had tea together!?? I thought we were friends!!

 

Actually this stage is nothing but a boss rush. You get to fight all of the Dukes over again one after the other, proving tea does not end hostilities between warring nations. Defeat them all and you get to tackle the final boss... no worries though, they are a lot easier this time around in a sense, since you have all your power ups and you get a ton of weapons and items, and your health is refilled after each fight. The one boss missing from the rush is Germany's... I suspect he ended up in one of those burning Volkswagens by the green stop signs on his way to the big fight.

 

 

Ruth!

 

"will you be my valentine? I love your hat. Also I won't complain this time that someone is not wearing pants"

 

"Sexist pig! Die"

 

"Yikes!"

 

Ruth is actually not too tough.... she attacks with a whip and just stomps back and forth over you. (So many fetishes, so little time...)

 

 

"You changed dresses just for me? Does this count as a date? Hurry up with the wine skeleton!!!! I'm sorry, the service around here sucks!"

 

Anyway, that is the end of 8 Eyes... well except for....

 

 

Placing those damn jewels you have been collecting. Yes, you have to place them in the correct order to win the game. All those fights don't mean squat unless you have been writing down the clues you have been picking up.

 

 

And there is the ending screen. A nice gargoyle shows up to congratulate you and tell you how awesome and courageous you are for battling through a world without pants.

 

Here is what he says so I don't have to bother putting up screen shots of every single page.

 

Congratulations Orin!! In Fighting Your Way Through The Eight Perilous Castles, You Have Proved That Your Swordsmanship And Falconry Talents Are Great. In Solving The Riddle Of The Eight Jewels, You Have Proved Your Skill As A Logician. These Were Great Tests Of Skill, And Only The Strongest Of Warriors And The Wisest Of Scholars Could Have Completed This Quest. I Realize That There Is Only One Thing More Gratifying Than Coming To The End Of A Great Game, That Is Realizing The Challenge Has Just Begun. Go Now Orin, Another Quest Awaits. In This Second Adventure, Your Skills Will Be Tested As Never Before. If You Are Truly Skilled, You May Be Able To Finish Some Of It! Good Luck!

 

So yeah, there are two more quests after this one... but screw that. Normal mode was a pain in the ass enough as is. I had enough deaths to show for it.

 

Anyway, that is my trip through the world of 8 Eyes. It is not a bad game, but not a great game either. It has enough Castlevania similarities to make you want to send Konami a letter (lol, silly person, Konami does not care about games anymore!), but a few differences to set it apart. This game is challenging, but really due more to aggravating programing in the game itself vs. actual difficulty.

 

I would give the game a 5/10 overall for being different enough to be worth checking out, but aggravating in the controls and ease of play.

 

Sorry for making this so long. I'll work on making them shorter in the future, if I bother with doing anymore of them that is.