So, there wasn't a review last week, and I haven't really explained why until now. I was sick with a bitching cold between last Friday and this past Tuesday, and a combination of that on top of the hours I had to work near my "recovery" prevented me from really doing much of anything online aside from a passive game or some shit. I figured, since it was so close to the next deadline when I was able or wanted to write a review, to just wait the extra day or two instead. Therefore, sorry I haven't showed my ass lately.

 

Moving swiftly forward with serious shit. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna have a huge backlog of reviews. I'll only have to go up to season si-

 

 

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I will review season seven if it airs before the film.

 

...

 

FUCK.

 

How did I MISS that?!

 

Well, shit, I guess I do have to review season seven after all. Oh well, more material for me I guess. Let's get on with the insanity, then. This is "Apple Family Reunion"

 

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So Netflix apparently has "Just for Sidekicks" and "Apple Family Reunion" in the wrong places. Episode 8 is "Apple Family Reunion" and Episode 11 is "Just for Sidekicks", however Netflix has Episode 8 as "Just for Sidekicks" and "Apple Family Reunion" as Episode 9. Considering "Just for Sidekicks" has strict continuity with its following episode, "Games Ponies Play", this is a hilarious mistake. Keep a look out for that. The episode opens up with Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith preparing for their next family reunion. When Apple Bloom mentions that everyone's coming to this reunion, Granny Smith shits herself. After the title sequence turns my pancreas into bubbling cider, the Brady Bunch here sit around the table talking even more about the reunion. This episode's already boring me.

 

If they just decided to spend the whole first act eating dinner...I'd be more interested in what's going on, actually.

 

Granny Smith keeps moaning about how she's ever going to get anything done, when Applejack offers to take over. She mentions that she'll get shit done so much as Granny Smith tells her what she needs...which is very odd. This isn't Applejacks first rodeo *BADUMTSS*. She's attended and organized plenty of reunions before. Hell, her first appearance in the series regards her being at the helm of the family reunion! Shouldn't she, I don't know, know this by now? Subsequently, they move to the living room where Granny shows the family....the history of the reunion. Again, this isn't the first reunion, and Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Big Mac have all attended the reunion before. Why the fuck does she need to explain shit to the family other than to lazily spew exposition to the audience? She then talks about some stupid quilt they've been working on since the first reunion, and two stupid flashbacks I don't care about take place. We subsequently see baby Applejack.

 

..............................................This doesn't phase me.

 

Applejack, after hearing the history of the reunion she's very likely heard a million times before, suddenly gets apprehensive and obsessive of trying to make this reunion "perfect". The...fuck? Look, I've already made the "not the first reunion" argument which basically applies to this whole fucking episode, so this is especially true here. However, Applejack doesn't seem like the type of character to be in a pickle about this. I mean, I get it with someone like, say, Twilight, but Applejack? I'd think she'd have more sensibility and a clearer head when dealing with her family of all things. Not only this plot boring so far, but it's got me questioning how in-character Applejack is. GG, writers. The next day, Applejack runs around town collecting resources from the rest of the main cast that's not in this episode, just in time for the festivities to begin! Everything seems fine at first, and we even get to see Apple Bloom and Babs Seed reunite. However, murky waters arise when Applejack forces the two young cunts to compete in a race. Ugh, the predictability of this episode is showing through at this point as well. This is a watered-down rehash of "Lesson Zero".

 

When your sister tries to lick your ass, reach out to someone you trust. For instance, your pedophile teacher.

 

At this point, Applejack could really use a couple joints of celery, but recalling her traumatic experiences in rehab, she decides "fuck it". Stresses prove to escalate as the festivities continue, mostly self-inflicted stresses as she forcefully tries to create "memories" for her family. She even attempts to get those old cunts to finish that damn quilt by bringing in loud-ass machinery. It's apparent Applejack is going too far as I eagerly await this episode to get to the fucking point. This reunion has turned less into a festivity and more into slave culture as Applejack puts almost the entire family to work with quilting, fritter baking, and recreational use of celery. That's just what Applejack would do, isn't it? Even Apple Bloom and Babs Seed are fed up with Applejack's stupid shit. Fuck them, though, because the next activity is a not-so-relaxing speed run-of-a-hayride through the west orchard. Things are made more exciting by an airshow of fruit bats, but this is quickly turned sour when the bats nosedive for one of the old cunts' fruit hats. This is turned into mass-slaughter as the hayride carriage crashes into the barn.

 

Now the Apple family can truly reunite...................IN HELL.

 

Alas, everyone survives (dammit), except for the barn. And it's all Applejack's fault. I wouldn't be surprised if the family decided to murder her at this point. That's what my family did to cousin Stephanie when she became a feminist. Unfortunately, the family forgives her somewhat, Granny explaining that she wasn't letting the family create memories on their own or whatever. That's when Applejack thinks of the perfect bonding activity, one that everyone can enjoy. Fixing the barn! I know I sure love going to parties and having to participate in grueling labor! Yee-haw! A very forgettable, simplistic, and somewhat annoying musical number shows up out of nowhere at this point as they montage the reconstruction of the barn. They are successful, wouldn't you know it, and at the end of it all, they take their traditional photo in front of the newly refurbished iBarn 7.

 

A barn with no headphone jack? Fuck that shit!

 

In the end, all the apple bitches go home, and Applejack pulled off a fantastic reunion after all. I don't know about you, but if the only high point of my family reunion was building a barn, I'd be pretty quick to call the whole thing bullshit. I digress, however, as Applejack writes a letter to Princess Celestia (wow, a Celestia letter, when the fuck was the last time they did that?) telling her that she learned lessons about family and how the simplest moments can create grand memories. And it only took her until this reunion of all the many reunions she's attended prior to learn this lesson. How convenient. The final shot is a view of the orchard as two shooting stars make their way across the sky, supposedly symbolizing Applejack's dead parents. This episode doesn't have enough merit of its own to deserve praise for that epic moment.

 

Aw, fuck you guys.

 

Therein concludes "Apple Family Reunion".

 

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This...wasn't a good episode.

 

The biggest problem with this whole thing is that its trying to pass this reunion off as the first reunion ever. The way Applejack obsesses over making it "perfect", and how Granny Smith preaches the history of the reunion to her family, it all doesn't make any fucking sense when you consider there have been many reunions before. Come to think of it, considering there was a reunion taking place during "Friendship is Magic (Part 1)", that means at least a year had passed between season 1 and 3....which also makes no sense because season five was supposed to be the year-long marker for the series' canon. So not only is this episode's plot jumbled as fuck, but it's also confused about where it is in TIME. That brings me to the next problem with the episode; Applejack. Realistically, she wouldn't have been so batshit obsessive about making this reunion spick-and-span if this wasn't her first time attending a reunion. The argument can be made that this may be her first time planning the reunion, but she still would've handled this situation a lot better if she was written correctly. She's attended and hosted many a reunion in the past, and she should have observed at this point how to put together a proper one. You know you've fucked up when you make Applejack of ALL CHARACTERS out of character. Topping it all off, if the episode wasn't fucking up its story or characters, it was overall being bland and unmemorable. So what do you take away from "Apple Family Reunion"? About as much as you take away from "Boast Busters"; all the bullshit, or nothing at all. Therefore, I'm giving this episode a 4/10.

 

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Well, that was kinda crap, wasn't it?

 

I wonder what other "treasures" lie ahead as we move forward with season three. We're moving into the second half of the season, and I think the only 10/10 I've given to an episode was "Sleepless in Ponyville". Will there ever be another season three holy grail? Is it worth it to even give a shit? Find out next time on...

 

My Little Pony...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is.........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Magic.

 

What'd you think I was gonna say?