So I just realized that it's been a year since I first reviewed "Crusaders of the Lost Mark".

 

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*shivers*

 

Anyways, I think it's time I made up for the sick-day I took on the November 4th, so that's why there's a Monday review. Remember when I used to do Monday reviews? Way back in 1963? Hell of a time. Henceforth, let's gallop onward with "Spike at Your Service". Spoilers ahead!

 

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This one opens up with Twilight getting ready to read some books. What a fucking wildcard that is. Since Twilight will be busy all day reading these books she's been assigned to read by Celestia...or something...she tells Spike to take the day off. Therefore, he goes through his list of shit he's always wanted to do...in which he runs thin of pretty quickly. After the title sequence turns my bladder into a new limb, we see Spike wandering around Ponyville trying to think of shit to do. He accidentally runs into a pole that has a hot air balloon tied to it, which unravels the knot and sends the balloon floating into the sky unmanned. Alarmed, Spike chases it, only to end up in the Everfree Forest cornered by Timberwolves. He is subsequently slaughtered, and so concludes "Sleepless in Ponyville"

 

RIP Spike. You were an ultimately useless character.

 

Of course, Applejack jumps in and saves Spike's life, by breaking apart their bark through a series of makeshift traps. Spike realizes how lucky AF he was that Applejack was there and propels himself into an existential crisis. In the wake of this, he explains that he must repay the favor to her. Applejack is initially reluctant, but eventually gets him to help her while having him fuck off at the same time by helping Apple Bloom clean a pig. He is successful, though is still dissatisfied with the repayment. Therefore, Applejack commissions him to help her and Granny Smith bake pies. He is successfu-

 

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Wait, what? He's not successful? In fact, he sucks at baking pies, and he manages to make a mess that even he can't clean?

 

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I'm sorry, isn't part of his job as Twilight's slave to BAKE and CLEAN? How in the fuck is this possible? He rambles on about some code he made up that if his life is saved by someone, he is forever in debt to that person. Not only is it odd that he's sticking so hard to this considering he clearly made it up, but what follows is very troubling. He prepares to break ties with Twilight.

 

What the SHIT?!?

 

Y'know, in "The Crystal Empire (Part 2)", Spike's greatest fear is shown to be Twilight not needing him anymore, which is one of the highlights of that episode despite its shittiness. Here, he's not only very ready to cut Twilight off, but he's also treating it as if he's breaking up with his girlfriend. What the literal fuck is going on here? Given all evidence, Spike would not act this way in this situation at all! Especially giving up Twilight for APPLEJACK of all characters. Rarity might be a little more believable, but even that would remain wonky given the circumstances. The first act is enough to make me hate this episode thus far, but there's some hope for redeem-ability since Twilight isn't paying attention during the news. Meanwhile, after Spike trades out Twilight for Applejack, the latter tries to get him to screw off. Rarity disagrees, but a prostitute's fantasies of having a slave aren't valid.

 

"Usually, I'm the slave for my clients, but soon the tables will turn!"

 

So Rainbow Dash suggests making Spike do something too difficult that would make him want to quit. So she has Spike build a rock tower for her to smash through, think he'd give up midway through. He doesn't, so Rainbow Dash gets her ass kicked by rocks. That's pleasing enough in and of itself to warrant some forgiveness for this episode's shortcomings. After Applejack gets really fed up, she goes to see Twilight about this whole thing, hoping she can get Spike back on track. And so she explains that.................................Spike's code must be respected??

 

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WHAT?!!??!?!?!

 

Even TWILIGHT plays into this bullshit?! Are you FUCKING kidding me?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

 

Who the FUCK wrote this shit?! STEVEN MOFFAT?!

 

THIS IS ABSOLUTE COCK RIGHT HERE! THE ONE THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY SAVE THIS EPISODE, AND THEY THROW IT OUT THE GODDAMN PLANE.

 

THESE FUCKING PURPLE PONIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

I don't even fucking care what happens after this, really. Spike's out of character shit was stupid enough, but the fact that Twilight's so passive about it is even fucking worse. So Applejack gathers all the other main fuckers together to stage a scenario where Spike could save Applejack's life. They get out a puppet Timberwolf and pretend that Applejack is caught in some rocks and is about to be eaten. However, thankfully, Spike doesn't fall for this bullshit and points out the fact that it's fake.....until real Timberwolves return to kill them all. Indeed, they are the Timberwolves from before, but they possess the power to reassemble their body parts, so that makes sense. Therefore, they are initially destroyed individually by Applejack pushing a boulder on them, but just like before, they reassemble their body parts. This time, however, they form into an MegaUltraZord Timberwolf of Fuck-All that is genuinely cool. Also, Applejack is stuck for real this time, so it's up to Spike to actually save Applejack. How does he do it? He throws a pebble into its throat.
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I'm not sure if I should laugh or be incredibly disappointed. I mean, that should've been played up for laughs, but it's pretty rushed.

 

See, like, this shot is pretty funny, but there's an epic film score being played during it and the next shot of safety just staggers in with little transition. Missed opportunities.

 

Also, what's preventing the Timberwolf from respawning again and wreaking havoc on Ponyville? Wish you knew the answer? Too bad, that plotline is immediately dropped so that Spike can be told for the hundredth time to screw off. And after Applejack says what she's been trying to get across to Spike this whole fucking episode, Spike only now decides "screw the code I made up last weekend". And just like that, he goes back to helping Twilight.

 

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*ahem*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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FUCK YOU.

 

What was the FUCKING point of all of this?! You even ACT like the code meant NOTHING to you in the FIRST place. We're you just trying to get some pussy?! What the FUCK WAS YOUR MOTIVE HERE, SPIKE?

 

"

."

 

And SO CONCLUDES "Spike at Your Service".

 

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HOLY SHIT.

 

That was one of the worst episode's I've seen in a LONG time.

 

Spike is SO fucking out of character here it's sickening. He makes up some shit dragon code about being in debt to Applejack, LEAVES Twilight even though that was his BIGGEST FEAR, in which even TWILIGHT respects, and in the end, he EASILY drops the whole thing and goes back to humping Twilight's leg. Seriously, given everything I've just pointed out about this episode, there's no point for any of this to have even been written in the first place. In fact, it kind of ruins one of the ONLY good things about "The Crystal Empire (Part 2)". "Spike at Your Service" is not only a terrible episode in and of itself, but it also managed to make another shitty episode worse. Aside from a few cool moments in this episode, the whole thing amounts to absolute bull shit. Merriwether Williams was already a mediocre writer with shit like "Hearths Warming Eve" and "Dragon Quest" under her belt, but working with Dave Polsky, who for the most part wrote decent episodes, this is an absolute disappointment of the largest degree. I'm giving "Spike at Your Service" a 2/10. I hated this episode divinely.

 

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Well fuck me silly.

 

That's two shit episodes in a row, three sub-par episodes in a row, and FIVE below average episodes of the NINE season three episodes I've reviewed so far. The third season is truly showing its colors to be a mediocre load of crap, but we're not even through with it all yet. There's still four more episodes to go. Will there be redemption for this season after all, or will it go down in the history books as the worst season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?

 

Find out next time.