Welcome one and all to my simple and meandering observations through the world of Double Dragon for the NES. This will sort of be a review, but will also just be me poking fun at the game as I did with 8 Eyes previously. Don't take anything I say too seriously and if you have not played the original game i suggest you go give it a shot.. especially the arcade version since it is still pretty fun to this day.

 

Anyway onward! Hooooooooooooo!!!!!

 

 

So Double Dragon is your standard walking around minding your own business scenario which apparently causes strange people to come out wanting to kick your ass for it.

 

Here is the skinny

 

Double Dragon is the story of Billy and Jimmy Lee, twin brothers who learned to fight on the cold, tough streets of the city. Their expert knowledge of the martial arts combined with their street smarts, has made them both formidable fighting machines. But now Billy is faced with his greatest challenge. Marian has been kidnapped by the Black Warriors, the savage street gang of the mysterious Shadow Boss! Using whatever weapons come to hand - knives, whips, bats, rocks, oil drums, even dynamite - Billy must pursue the gang through the slums, factories, and wooded outskirts of the city to reach the hideout for his final confrontation with the Shadow Boss... his brother Jimmy!

 

Thanks to that thrilling paragraph we know we have a lot of karate adventure ahead of us, and it is apparently to face of against our twin brother. One thing I have to point out is that in the arcade you get cooperative play... where here, you have to take turns. So if you and a friend want to play together, take that into account. So lets get this underway... we have asses to kick and only a short time to kick them all. Also I have taken the liberty of spicing up their in game conversation. because you know.... bad humor and all.

 

The first thing we are treated to is the opening cutscene where a gang of thugs beats the shit out of your girlfriend, because kidnapping is just not bad enough for them.

 

 

You can't see it well unless you actually play the game, but that is a damn hefty right hook he is burying in her solarplexis there... and people say men don't know how to treat women like ladies anymore. Jury I give you Exhibit A! Then you are treated to a scene with her being carted off like a sack of potatoes... even Bowser always gave Peach a clown helicopter thing to ride in when he grabbed her up.

 

 

Well I don't know about all of you, but I am so filled with indignant rage right now that I could just totally massacre the whole lot of these guys... so I guess that is what I will do. Onward!

 

 

So you start on the mean streets of Townsville and not a Powerpuff girl in sight! What's a super karate master like yourself supposed to do when the welcoming committee shows up? Why mash those buttons like you are having a seizure of course! Actually just throw a lot of kicks.. seriously... punches suck in this game.. just do kicks. I warned you.

 

 

So after beating up your first sets of new friends, you get a righteous thumbs up from God himself because who doesn't love a good old fashioned karate throwdown more than the creator himself? No one that is who!

 

 

Or maybe he just wants me to read the sign. It looks like a help wanted sign... maybe God is telling me to give up karate and to get a damn job... well screw that!!!! KARATE MASTER IS MY JOB.. and I need to get back to work! Later hand of god!

 

Remember how those guys earlier shit kicked your significant other? You get to do payback... wait a minute...

 

 

OK, well I am evil. Yes you get to beat the shit out of women in this game. A lot of women... in my defense they remind me of Carol Burnett and my first instinct if I were to encounter her would be to thrash out in a fight or flee panic.

 

But hey, let's make it worse shall we!

 

 

You also beat up a lot of black people in this game to. Apparently in Double Dragon black lives do not matter. But hey, everything is fair in karate and even more karate.

 

 

you beat on a couple more waves of people here and then get to enter the elevator where you encounter your first boss fight.

 

 

OSHA should be all the hell over this shit... seriously, conveyor belts leading into bottomless pits? No wonder everyone in Townsville loses their packages! And if you have one of these things on the job site, is it wise to pick a fight on it? I mean I know every movie in history when the bad guy goes after the good guy, they can't just fight on the nice stable ground, they have to get inside the car crusher, or on top of the girders of the unfinished building... or underneath Dom Deluise's chair after a particular large meal just to have their final battle. You would think by now someone would learn... but not today.. just sucker Abobo close to the edge and karate kick his ass over the edge. You win! Onward!

 

 

Onto a steel factory of sorts where you get to battle what appears to be mini Frankensteins.

 

 

Beat a few waves and you get to learn Billy's dirty little secret.

 

 

Looks like Billy could use hair club for men. Maybe later Billy, we still have many asses to kick!

 

 

You do get several weapons in this game... bats, chains and other assorted knick-knacks you find by kicking the shit out of your opponents. Of them all knives are the most useful since enemies tend to kick the crap out of you pretty easy when you have a weapon.

 

 

Except for the girls, they pretty much will just keep blundering into whatever weapon you happen to be swinging. Make of that what you will. Time to do some tower climbing, beat some faces inside out and have another boss fight!

 

 

You can pretty much cheat this fight with one move. Get close enough to the edge, get this visual kei reject into a hair pull grab and throw him off the building. It's cheap, simple and very effective. Onwards to glory.... and more karate!

 

 

I get the feeling this level will involve trees.. lots of trees.

 

 

Or maybe beehives... lots of beehives. With no bees. Anyway, more karate fighting here. And now it has to be said I know I am using the word karate pretty loosely here, considering your extreme martial arts skill basically revolves around you punching thugs in the face and kicking them in the groin over and over again until Bruce Lee rises from the dead just to die again in disgust, but hey.. in the world of Double Dragon.. this is karate at its finest. Anyway, lots of guys throw butter knives here, which hurt a lot more than you would think they would when thrown sort of lazily in your direction.

 

 

Also they like to Tarzan down from trees sometimes.. which is not nearly as impressive as it sounds. They would probably be more effective just falling on you.

 

 

That zany wig guy who was the boss last level now shows up as a regular contestant on every-bodies favorite game show.... GET... YOUR... ASS... KICKED... !!! *applause* They are actually pretty annoying and have a habit of getting sucker shots in pretty regularly. Anyway, let's continue shall we?

 

 

You might think this is a boss fight, but no such luck. You just get to fight two of these angry pumpkin heads at the same time, Why are they so angry? Well look at them, they are like twice your size and yet wear the same size pants as you. That sort of constriction has to play hell on anyone's comfort and incontinence. It probably takes the combined strength of all the Black Warriors just to help these guys get their belts buckled, and every day an exploding button from a popped seam does not kill some random gang member is another days victory. But back to the fight... ummmm.. yeah.. just don't get between them and keep doing those kicks. Did you find out the hard way what punches lead to yet?

 

 

OK now we get to one of those requirements that had to be in every video game back on the days of the NES... a cave area. I mean no matter what the game was, it had to have some random nonsensical cave level just to get green-lit into being a game. It made games like Baseball and Ice Hockey and golf all the more frustyrating when players were screaming at their TVs "WHY THE FUCK AM I IN THIS CAVE! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET A TOUCHDOWN AGAINST THE BEARS!"

 

I think it has to do with programmers thinking all gamers lived in caves or something and that maybe they would relate? Anyway, you know what else is a staple of these sorts of games?

 

 

That's right! The moving platforms that make no sense anywhere! Every evil villain in any game anywhere always installed these as if they were a free gift along with his or her purchase of bad guys monthly magazine. I would hate to imagine if we use them in the real world instead of oh I dunno.. stairs. escalators, elevators, ladders... or whatever else would make loads more sense than rotating platforms placed above empty space. Anyway, back to more caves.

 

 

Dynamite becomes a bigger threat now along with cramped quarters to boot. So keep on kicking thug ass and taking names, because a bit further along and....

 

 

HOLY SHIT! IT'S THE HULK!

 

Well no not really... just a radioactive Abobo or something. That is one hell of a skin condition he has going on there! Anyway, he is not a boss fight and after you beat him another one pops up to take his place, so give them both some elbows and kicks of doom and continue onwards.

 

 

Final area for stage 3... the boss is invisible... OK not really. NO boss at all... just jump down and head through door. I suppose after battling guys with machine gun belt buckles the programmers decided to cut you some slack. Onwards to the hell that is stage 4.

 

 

The Temple of Possible Doom with more aggravating features than challenging ones.

 

 

First concrete slab dodging, because karate does not work on ancient temples, and the Shadow Boss is running out of volunteers to come out and get their ass handed to them by your super karate. Just time them and walk on by.. and when you discover the timing is a lot of shit, try it again and again until you luck your way past it.

 

 

Oh boy! More fighting! From now on everything will be attacking in twos most of the time, so if you hate threesomes consider turning the game off now. Otherwise don't get between them and just stick to those awkward triple kicks and jump kicks. Continue onwards...

 

 

You get to battle more Abobos here so keep at it, you are getting pretty damn close.

 

 

More random thugs wanting to make friends. You can actually use some moving platforms here to dodge a couple of them to save some life if need be.

 

 

Nothing says evil boss more than having your front door look like a hungry Dracula. I hope all you aspiring evil bad guys are taking notes because there will be a quiz after class.

 

 

One last corridor and we are home free. The dragon heads are not just decorative, they spew flames. Great for those Jehovah's Witnesses that dodge the spike traps and bottomless pits.

 

 

Well here we are... the final chamber. This is basically just a swarm of enemies coming into the room to pound you into submission... but hey! We are Billy Lee, we do the pounding around here... now with that sexual overtone floating around in all of our heads, let's begin. For starters stay near the door, the enemies come out two by two from there, so you can get in free hits with waiting elbows. After that, you know the drill.. kick the shit out of them. In order you get two Abobos, two wig guys, two Carol Burnetts and two unlucky thugs... after all of that.. you get....

 

 

Willy.

 

This guy sucks, period. Overall he is not too bad if you know the routine, but if you let him get distance on you, he will quickly show you why machine gun trumps karate every time. Just stay close and keep suckering him up and down so he does not get a good bead on you.

 

 

I love playing got your nose with these guys. Actually I just like chucking them back and forth across the room... which is pretty much a staple for beating this guy.

 

Do this enough times and you have your final confrontation with the shadow boss....

 

 

You in more dashing threads! Actually that is your brother Jimmy Lee... who apparently has identity issues since he wants to look just like you.. how disturbing. Anyway, no time for catching up, time to go Pat Morita on his ass.

 

 

He pretty much has the same attacks as you, but also falls for the same tricks. He has a lot of health to... so be prepared to just keep leading him around and kicking him at every opportunity.

 

 

If you let him get a good bead on you, he will attack with a number of cheap shots and almost always get the upper hand proving that karate is not only your strength, but your ultimate weakness.

 

 

After you dance around this bozo enough times you will finally send him to the blinking bad guy grave of doom. Although he returns in the sequels, so apparently you do not kill him dead enough. And this is how you solve a sibling rivalry! With long drawn out kidnappings of your siblings girlfriend followed by beating the shit out of an entire town. Who needs counseling?

 

Anyway, time to see if Marion is still alive.

 

 

She is! But hey... why is Jimmy's vest hanging there behind her? And why is she all sitting on a bed? Oh crap! Say it isn't so!!!!! I've been dumped for my psychopath brother!!

 

 

Oh well, I can live with that. I killed Jimmy anyway so I guess she is single again afterall. Also what's up with the weird cat/dog hybrid under the table?

 

The End

 

Overall, you can do worse with an hour of your time. Double Dragon is a simple if not aggravating romp through sibling rivalry for the love of a woman who is not really sure which karate master she loves more, so just settles on which ever one can successfully stay standing after they meet up in a battle of fists.

 

Also abobos suck.

 

8/10