Seems like you reached that light at the end of a long road. I hope this is just the beginning for you.

That sounds really interesting though, getting to work at camp. I'd love to hear more about it sometime.

Seems like you reached that light at the end of a long road. I hope this is just the beginning for you.

 

That sounds really interesting though, getting to work at camp. I'd love to hear more about it sometime.

Oh It's just getting started

Distance running effects your heart so when you are older your heartrate is too low and people don't live as long as periodic brisk walkers(not for distance), light joggers(not for distance), strength trainers, or swimmers. 

Trying to peruse your blogs to understand better I noticed your trying hard with school and yielding low grades. School often causes sleep problems which effect memory. So say if you studied hard and got poor sleep due to studying at night, your brain would let go of that stuff because it doesn't have enough recovery time and needs to work on maintaining itself (keeping it together) more than the material at hand. Also don't work hard, work smart. Try understanding the material more than memorizing. Try applying it to ways you can enjoy it. Like if its math, apply it in a way you can use it with your exercises perhaps, or some other hobby you have. But you had a 'brutal cold' then, so that'd explain it more than sleep loss or such.

Entry number 25 seems to speak more about the stress or negativity you had so I will read this one thoroughly. Seems like you are too busy which is causing you to procrastinate. Perhaps a schedule with some more break time or relaxing activities, so it makes sense that this pastor thing would be working out well for you as its a biologically relaxing activity.

Oh, and it happened to be just after a race. So it could be you were taxing your heart too much with your races. Between entry 24 and 25 is one about a race. But it says results, idk when it happened technically so I shouldn't conclude just yet. #24 was 5 days before the race report though. It says in the report it was the 7th, and you mention stress finally 3 days later. I would say it is related. 

Also procrastination can be sign of a heart issue. I know because when my heart is bad I procrastinate all day lol, and its usually when I get poor sleep. Science would agree with that though.

Entry 23 you are powerful and love god. Immediately mention stress after. Hard relationship with fam you say, and you feel lonely. But recently you feel love and tolerance more, is it just that you could not see it before, or is it truely different? Did your family have stressors in their life during that time? 

Oh I just realized, you are probably also on winter vacation? That could also be why you feel less stress recently. I am not sure how california operates but, if its christmas people usually get some time off, It could simply be you work too hard. It'd also explain why you feel lonely, not enough time just hanging out perhaps. Either that or your feelings feel unacknowledged and tried, which could be evidence of your bodily neglect because you weren't acknowledging how tired you were. 

But while distance running is something you enjoy, if it is causing a heart problem, just be aware you might feel bad for a little bit, but also know that it will be fine if you get enough recovery. Idk how your coaching is though so can't fully say, because maybe you do have a coach that says you gotta relax so many hours a week or something to recover better. But maybe you don't or maybe you decide to not relax, idk. 

Entry 18, happy, 19 college, 20 sad. Obviously there college is taking away from your sleep schedule and college students tend to have alot of stress to succeed and etc. So schooling indeed may be taking away from proper recovery time. That was way back in august.

And I am only saying this stuff so you can better be informed about the consequences to your decisions, so you at least know why you are suffering when you do. This way it doesn't lead to any kind of angst or anything. You know its because of biology and your body needs more rest. So that alone will give you a better idea on how to care for yourself, what is worth overtaxing and what isn't, and it will not lead to uncertainty feeding into a depressive loop.

Why I think that, is because lets say you don't have any idea why you are suffering, and why you feel that way, so during it you assume its true because you have nothing else to go on. Its how you feel, so it seems true. But now, if it is because of these biological explanations, you can get some idea when it'll happen, why its happening, and know its not true, its just how you feel. So you can be better prepared and have a more positive outlook even when you feel bad, and hopefully reduce the bad as its happening to make it less intense and/or shorter lived. 

Good luck, and if you are skeptical, make mental notes for your mood changes and events corresponding to them. It could be some unknown social reasons, or just being unlucky, but luck is perspective. Because if you are feeling down you feel like the bad indicates worse than you would when you are feeling good. So, anyways, just note if it happens more when you do sports, and when you are getting worse sleep, or not enough stress reducing activity paired with too much work(school) and social pressures(like you needing to get a job or such adds stress also).

Because if it can be explained emotionally and biologically, then saying its spiritual is allowing your pain to resurface, and it gives less options for treating it. Prayer is relaxing, like meditation. Biologically you are more relaxed, your breathing slows and deepens, heart rate decreases. You do not get cortisol(stress hormone) from worrying over income, you just relax on the activity of praying. 

Good luck.