There have been many trials in my life that I've had to overcome.

 

I've had to overcome getting slaughtered by the FBI when they crushed me into a bloody pile of sludge with two military trucks.

 

I've had to overcome being tortured in the fiery pits of Hell and still laughing in the face of the devil himself.

 

I've had to overcome dueling one-on-one with Gandhi in the ultimate Pokemon match.

 

I've had to overcome digging the fleas out of Satan's ass after his trip to Detroit.

 

But none of that, will quite compare to the challenge I'll have to overcome today.

 

 

 

I...

 

will have to review....

 

Equestria Girls.

 

*sigh*. Hold on to your nuts, folks. This is no ordinary blowjob.

 

Alright, so, the big one. My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. Released in the summer of 2013, this film was the in-between of season three and season four. Fans across the globe were both hyping up and overdosing on prescription pills on the day of its release, and this movie was such a flop for fans of the series that the writers kicked it out of the show's canon (I think). God damn, I can't remember the last time something was so bad the creators had to completely disregard it. Is Equestria Girls really as shitty as everyone makes it out to be? Well, with the way I've been dreading this review, I certainly don't think I'll necessarily disagree. But there's always room for "improvement." So let's get this over with before I tie a noose around my neck with a paper clip. This is the glorious art film that is My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. Spoilers ahead....but do you really give a shit?

 

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This episo-.....wait a minute...

 

*ahem*

 

This film opens up, sorry, there we go, with the newly crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle and the other fuckers arriving in the Crystal Empire to engage in an hour-and-a-half-long hallucinatory drug trip. Seems to me the audience would be better off engaging in that, but we're shit out of luck and jolly-well fucked. Anyways, while Pinkie Pie makes a Transformers reference, Twilight explains her nervousness about attending her very first princess summit. She explains that she's not exactly comfortable wearing her crown either, let-alone her lack of skill in flying.

 

That moment when you realize the animators for the season three finale royally fucked up when they had Twilight joyously fly toward the screen at the end.

 

Inside, Twilight meets up with Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadence, where they instantly tell them to fuck off and go to bed. Well, that scene was necessary. That night, Twilight expresses to Spike some worry about her ability to lead an empire as a princess, as well as trying to sleep with her wingboners shooting up all over the place. Ah, the toils of a pubescent purple ponies. After the remixed minute-and-a-half long title sequence makes me violently shit out tumors as giant saber tooth tigers rain from the sky and fall on my burning asshole which compounds my entire body into dust, only to be reformed by a deus ex machina to return to my former physical appearance except a shade darker which makes me instantly less privileged (all sex is rape, the patriarchy is oppressing me, etc., etc.), things heat up when Twilight's crown is stolen by a shady mysterious character. The gang chase this pony into another room, where the thief and the crown escape through a mirror.

 

The others alert Celestia, who explains that the thief goes by the name "Starlight Glimmer" "Sunset Shimmer", and that she was a former student of Celestia's who went rogue. A rogue path that has evidently led her to stealing Twilight's crown. I'd like to know how Sunset Shimmer knew Twilight was a princess now. In the next scene, Princess Luna tells us that the mirror/gateway to another world opens once every thirty moons. But Twilight just became a princess very recently. There must be some long-ass turnaround times for a princesses first summit, since I'm unfamiliar with royal tradition, but as it stands this seems rather contrived to me. Perhaps we'll see explanation later, but I'm not holding my asshole closed. The princesses explain that Twilight must go into this otherworldly realm to retrieve that crown, or else the Elephants of Harmony here are powerless, and Equestria loses one of its biggest lines of defense against Cobra. The other five express the desire to join her, but Celestia tells them to fuck themselves with dry, rusty spoons. Spike, however, is immune to rusty spoons, and follows her in. On the other side, they find Spike is a dog and Twilight now has boobs......

 

.......oh, and hands....and has become some strange creature called a "human".....but more importantly, boobs.

 

I know it's a kids film, but I think in any realistic setting a talking female horse would be much more concerned with these milky tumors hanging off her chest.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAND SOO THE SHITSTORM BEGINS! WE'RE IN THIS WORLD NOW, FOLKS. ALL ABOARD FOR THE FANSERVICE TRAIN!

 

So...yeah, we're in the "human" world now. Where everyone's hair is multicolored and jiggles like jello, and everyone's skin color makes them look like they just transferred schools from Jupiter. We go through the couple-of-minute long shtick that you'd expect where Twilight has to learn how to act like a human, which is very run-of-the-mill for the most part, but what sells it is Spike's reactions to her. As Twilight's doing the whole overboard "WHAT? OMG! WTF?!", Spike just sighs and in a really dry voice says "We really need to find you a mirror." Makes things relatively enjoyable. Enjoy-ability in an Equestria Girls film. Shocking. So the two of them venture into the "castle", also known as Canterlot High School, in search of intel. However, the bell rings, and as you might expect, the halls instantly flood with crowds of other people aimlessly bustling around. Twilight manages to escape, but bumps into Blandy McBlandbrad himself: Flash Sentry!

 

What transpires after that tidbit of nothing is a musical number that's about as forgettable as you might imagine. "A Strange New World", I think it's called. Who cares, though. Twilight just wanders around the halls as we see some human incarnations of Equestrian characters. Cheerlie, the CMC, Vinyl Scratch, and so forth. During this, Twilight's trying to learn how to be a human by observing practices. There's even this great scene where Twilight goes into the men's bathroom and some guy comes out of the stalls and has a nervous breakdown. Huh, it seems that, so far, I'm almost enjoying this film. Odd. Anyways, after the song bores me to death, we see Sunset Shimmer interrogating this completely unfamiliar, completely forgettable, and completely useless character in the hallways who managed to pick up the crown when Sunset tossed it through the portal. I bet she doesn't even have a name. I mean, just look at this fucker:

 

Pure crowd filler. Her personality probably doesn't even match the glorious levels of Sunset Shimmer or Flash Sentry!

 

So, yeah, we come across Human World Fluttershy, and this is Twilight's first confrontation with Sunset Shimmer. The two of them dance around the subject of Equestria around the unsuspecting human, and Twilight's lack of fear in the face of Sunset impresses Fluttershy. What follows is a bunch of references to the first episode of the series, from Fluttershy quietly muttering her name to her being fascinated by the presence of Spike. It seems Twilight has made a friend in this brave new world. Time to milk her for as much information as possible! Through Fluttershy, Twilight learns that the crown is being kept prisoner by "Principal" Celestia. Therefore, we toddle off to meet Human World Celestia only to learn that the crown will be used as the prize in this year's Princess of the Fall Formal competition...thingy. Therefore, in order to get her crown back, she's going to have to run for Princess of the Fall Formal, against three-time winner Sunset Shimmer. This movie just writes itself I see. So she has to go see the head of the party planning committee about getting her name on the ballot. Gee, I wonder who the head of the party planning committee is?

 

APPLEJACK! OF COURSE!

 

Well, she shows up in this scene too, but that's irrelevant. As we grow acquainted with new familiar faces, we learn a lot more about Canterlot High and how the different "crowds" are segregated. Techies, rockers, prostitutes, they all have their own little clique in the school. Consequently, our Equestria Girls aren't exactly "friends" in this world. In fact, the other five all hate each other. Gee, I wonder if getting everyone together is going to be a plot device? I wonder if she'll teach them that friendship is magic? It's anyone's guess. Meanwhile, Sunset Shimmer shows up with....aw, god, Snips & Snails are in this film too....complaining about Pinkie Pie's decorations and Applejack's cider. In this, she learns that Twilight Sparkle is running against her and proceeds to threaten her in a really dramatic hallway. Although, she doesn't really "threaten" Twilight, just sort of says she'll expose her for being from another dimension, and steal Spike or something. I'm sure that'll work out real well, but I digress. Twilight takes to the glorious library to learn information about this world, where we get more gratuitous cameos.

 

God, it's like Hell had sex with Africa.

 

I noticed Scootaloo didn't have any lines in this scene aside from the cameo of the "Cutie Mark Crusaders Theme" from "The Show Stoppers", and since I don't think the CMC have any lines in any of the other films, does that mean Madeline Peters never recorded for the Equestria Girls films? I get too invested in shitty trivia, so fuck me. During a learning montage, we see the main characters minus Twilight in a school yearbook as freshmen, and all of them were friends back then, which further branches out the plotline of getting the girls together. Meanwhile, Snips & Snails film Twilight not knowing how to use computers, printers, and such like, possibly for a Sunset Shimmer campaign video attacking her opponent. Classic. The next day, this is proved to be true, as Rarity shoehorns her way into the story (and most marriages I presume) by throwing Twilight into a disguise. Then, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy show up looking for Twilight, only for the four of them to get into heated arguments with each other about grudges they have. However, since Twilight's a genius, she figures out that Sunset Shimmer has in fact been meddling with their friendships via the dreaded text message and email, cancelling commitments behind one friends' back and what not. So, in light of this revelation, they all pull together to help Twilight win the crown! Except....they need one more person's approval.

 

I mean, I don't like Rainbow Dash, but even I had convulsions when she showed up. Her first appearance is midway through the film. That made her entrance 20% cooler.

 

Rainbow Dash says she'll help if Twilight plays a game of soccer against her. They compete, and Twilight loses, but since she proved she has guts, Dashies' in! So they meet at this world's Sugarcube Corner to organize a plan, where Twilight runs into Chad again. Egh, I have to agree; his appearances do drain a bit out of the film's likability. And yes, I'll admit, I'm an hour into the film and I relatively like it. Suck my balls. Anyways, yeah, he's terrible. Not so much that he's a bland character with no redeeming qualities, but that he's at the center of romantic relationships with...

 

*ahem*

 

TWO PONIES.

 

Yeah, this prick is Sunset Shimmer's ex-boyfriend, and now he's got Twilight's heart too. RING RING. Meghan McCarthy? Have you heard of BESTIALITY?! It's seriously disturbing when you think about it. Otherwise, speaking of helping Twilight win the crown, they organize a musical number in the cafeteria called "Helping Twilight Win the Crown", with Canterlot Wondercolts gear. And that pumps the fuck out of everyone, except Sunset Shimmer, who decides to fuck up Twilight's winning streak by framing her for destroying the Fall Formal's decorations in the auditorium with the Magic of Photoshop! Vice Principal Luna falls for it, because she's a dumbass in this film for some reason, until Flash Sentry instantly comes in and proves it was a cut-and-paste job.

 

....

 

Well, that scene was necessary. Especially to further along this shit. However, the event itself did slightly move the plot along. Since damage has been done to the auditorium, the Fall Formal would have to be postponed until the following night. However, the portal closes tonight. Spike urges Twilight to explain to the others what's really at stake if she doesn't get that crown, but Pinkie Pie basically blurts all of that out for her in one fell-swoop. This is why Pinkie Pie is the bae. Now, I promise you, I will never use that word again. Oddly enough, everyone's very okay with this newfound bizarre-ass information. Okay, points off for that. This scene is so unbelievably rushed that it managed to break my suspension of belief for this part of the film. So, as you might expect, the six of them decide to get the whole school to help rebuild the decorations in time for the Fall Formal to happen tonight. They do. It's done. In musical montage. And everyone comes together. Gee, didn't see that one coming.

 

"Okay! Now who's ready to do a shit-ton of COKE?!!!"

 

The Fall Formal's back on for this evening, and since everyone loves Twilight now, she's a shoe-in for winner. This clearly pisses off Sunset Shimmer, but fuck that, we have another grating musical montage to go through with more teen pop. That's like, two in a row. For fuck's sake this last half-hour is really rushed so far. Anyways, they all get their dresses and shit, and Flash Sentry manages to become Twilight's date for the formal. Imagine that shit. Later in the night, it's announced that Twilight has won the competition, but victory is bitter sweet when Sunset follows through with her threat to steal Spike. Normally I'd be like "fuck him", but seriously, Spike is the best thing about this film so far. Sheesh, Spike is the best thing about an MLP story? Never thought I'd see the day.....

 

Oh, yeah, and Sunset Shimmer just lets him go, by the way.

 

...

 

WELL THAT WAS NECESSARY.

 

God, pointless scenes are really getting shoved around now. No, the real haggle of the evening is that if Twilight doesn't give Sunset Shimmer the crown, she'll destroy the portal back to Equestria with a mallet. Because the rules of this portal are just so clearly defined. And what does Twilight do? She encourages Sunset Shimmer to destroy the portal.

 

 

 

..
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.

 

Okay, I think this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

 

*ahem*

 

FUCK YOU.

 

FUCK THIS FUCKING PIECE OF FUCK MOVIE. YOU CUCK, MEGHAN. YOU CAN'T WRITE A MOVIE FOR SHIT. YOU ASSWIPE! YOU HAD ME! I LIKED YOUR MOVIE FOR A STRAIGHT HOUR! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUuoUOU!!!!!!

 

There, this movie sucks now. Everyone happy?

 

In this instant alone, the movie just threw itself under a tractor. Twilight was willing to jeopardize the entire world of Equestria by fucking over its main line of defense against chaos just so that SUNSET SHIMMER in all her bitchy glory couldn't cause tension in a HIGH SCHOOL. I know Twilight isn't familiar with this world, but that is absolute POOR judgement on her part.

 

BUT WAIT, it gets WORSE. See, instead of destroying the portal, Sunset Shimmer attacks Twilight for the crown, which results in a nice game of toss-the-crown between all the characters. However, when it finally gets to Sunset, the crown turns her and Snips & Snails into demon spawns which take over the whole school with mind control.

 

God, it's like Hell had a three-way with Africa and North Korea. What? It's not gay if it's a three-way.

 

Ah, right, because THIS was explained earlier, except for the fact that it WASN'T. BUT WAIT! IT GETS EVEN FUCKING WORSE. Sunset's big fucking plan is to TAKE OVER EQUESTRIA with an army of DROOLING MINDLESS HUMAN TEENAGERS.

 

............................................

 

WHAT?!

 

At WHAT POINT did Sunset Shimmer REMOTELY think that would work. MINDLESS TEENAGERS don't stand a FUCKING CHANCE against a demigod alicorn PRINCESS who can send ANYONE SHE WANTS to the FUCKING MOON.

 

....

 

BUT WAIT!

 

IT GETS EVEN FUCKING WORSE.

 

Because WHAT does Twilight and company do to STOP Sunset Shimmer?

 

THEY TRANSFORM INTO THESE PONY HYBRID CREATURES AND BECOME THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY THEMSELVES.

 

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WHAT?!

 

If the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY don't need PHYSICAL AMULETS to trigger their power, then WHAT THE FUCK IS THE LOGIC OF THE TELEVISION SERIES?! Why are there even physical versions IN PLACE? Why did Discord need to STEAL THEM in "The Return of Harmony" if all the girls had to do was "BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP" to activate them? In this one instance, the WHOLE FUCKING SERIES earns itself a nice big PLOTHOLE in the MAIN FUCKING NARRATIVE, all because MEGHAN FUCKING MCCARTHY couldn't think of a decent DEUS EX MACHINA to pull out of her ass.

 

*sigh*

 

All of this happens within five minutes, without exaggeration............................BUT IT GETS EVEN MOTHERFUCKING WORSE

 

Because guess what?! Sunset Shimmer "didn't know there was another way", which makes her character even DUMBER than I THOUGHT. She cries, apologizes, and Twilight makes her learn about friendship in the human world, and boom, she's redeemed. This happens in 90 seconds in-and-of itself, too. Never in my life have I seen a seemingly good movie throw itself completely down the drain in just six and a half minutes. As you might imagine, everyone celebrates, and Twilight comes back to Equestria "successful". Too bad the movie doesn't come back to Equestria "successful".

 

I have six types of cancer thanks to this film. Too bad I shit out my tumors at the beginning.

 

And so concludes the glorious My Little Pony: Equestria Girls.

 

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This film is a steaming pile of dogshit.

 

Now, let's break this down, because this is a bit bigger than any 'ol episode. I liked the first hour of this film. There was heart in it. The writing wasn't the most awe-inspiring but at least this felt like the show. The comedy from both Spike and Pinkie Pie made me chuckle and smile. Twilight's plight was engaging enough for me not to be bored. Sure, Flash Sentry was a fumble in the dealing of the cards, but at least he wasn't too prominent in the first hour. I also had questions about certain plot-points that I withdrew from criticizing too much because I figured it would be explained later. Like how Sunset Shimmer knew about Twilight becoming a princess and possessing the crown, or why Sunset needed it in the first place. What use was it to her? What backstory did this character have to send her on this path? These questions, I held on to and almost completely forgot through that hour because the film was entertaining and enjoyable enough for me to wait until later for answers. There were great cameos and fun tidbits of interaction among the main characters to draw my attention. I could even tolerate a lot of the shit songs in the film.

 

The final half hour? RAPED this film ROYALLY. The pacing was absolutely horrid in that final act. There were too many plotlines that they were dragging out for so long that they couldn't resolve them all conclusively in 30 minutes. There was no falling action in this movie. It was exposition, rising action, rising action, rising action, climax, resolution. There were several pointless scenes that I pointed out that they could've cut to give the film more time if they were on a 90 minute constraint. But THEN those FUCKING FINAL TEN MINUTES. Twilight choosing to endanger Equestria for the sake of high school spirit? Pissed me off. Crown making powerful demons of people? Pissed me off. Sunset Shimmer's terrible plan that involved using teenagers to take over Equestria? Pissed me off. The Elements of Harmony being activated by NOTHING? Royally pissed me off. Sunset Shimmer's instant redemption? Threw me over the cliff. But the fact that NONE of my questions from the beginning were REMOTELY addressed? ALL OF THAT RUINED THE WHOLE FUCKING FILM.

 

All-in-all, My Little Pony: Equestria Girls is god awful. You might find yourself liking it at first, but prepare for instant disappointment and an immediate spiral into Shitsville U.S.A. I will AT THE VERY LEAST give this movie a 2/10. Why even that? Because at least that first hour kept me in good spirits, and at least Spike was put to good use in this film. Otherwise, everything else is a waste of goddamn time. Fuck this movie.

 

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What a great way to start the new year, isn't it? Well, don't you get your tits in a twist just yet, my friends. There's still a whole other season of the TV Show that has been unscathed by my prickly prickiness. My reviews of the fourth season are fast-approaching, and we'll see if it was any improvement over the terrible third season and especially this god awful film. I'll see you next Friday, when we begin the season four reviews of...

 

My Little Pony.....

 

 

 

Friendship.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

is................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a terrible idea to make into a film franchise. Seriously, fuck this movie. I never knew how much I would hate this boiling pot of octopus urine.