My biggest problem with high school is the internal struggle between fitting in and also not caring. I'm not the usual type of person at school. I dress differently, listen to different music and I'm very selective with my friends. I know most would probably care if I went to them looking for advice or someone to vent to, but my anxiety prevents that. It haunts me and makes me feel annoying for ever talking to someone about problems I have. Thankfully, I know the people I'm around like being around me, unlike last year. We go to football games, I took a girl out for sushi one night, and they helped me ask a girl out. I'm glad that didn't work out though, I now have no attraction towards her after learning more about her. I'd rather be unique and less popular though, you could have all the "friends" in the world without any true ones who actually care once the crowds are gone and the day is over.

Upon first glance, I come across as very serious thanks to my RBF. However, once someone gets to know me, I'm not afraid to show what a big softie I am on the inside. I will admit to them that I cry about things, I'll talk to them about girls that I think are cute (FYI my closest friends are mostly female), and about the things I'm going through. I'm careful with what types of people I befriend and who I talk to. I've let go of the past friends who didn't really care and were toxic. This year I've only had supportive friends who have made my process of recovery so much better and full of joy. I still remember our Homecoming Game, and that night was amazing. Some good friends were surprised that I came, and I was surprised that I did too. Before this year of school, I never had thoughts of going to games or wanting to do many social things. I can definitely say I wasted most of that year just sitting at home.

Have you ever had a warm feeling when smiling? It's been a long time since I've felt that, and I finally felt it again last night. If that's a sign of a genuine, full smile, I can say with confidence that I'm healing a lot and I'm in a much better place now. I spent half of my time as a teen dwelling in the past and not knowing how to handle it, while remaining locked away in my room because I didn't fit in well and didn't want to go out. It's crazy to sit back and reflect on how much I've changed in a few years and I regret not sticking around here so everyone could see that journey, but I distanced myself from a lot of things at the same time I left these forums. I underwent a lot of change during that time, and now I'm back after 2 and a half years a completely different person.

These days I've been living day by day, not looking to the past or too far into the future, and I believe it's a better frame of mind. There's no use in dwelling on the past, the memories are there, but you can't re-live them and you'll miss out on everything happening in the moment. I look to the future while also taking life one day at a time. As a high school-er, I want to enjoy the time I have left and have fun before it's all over. I'll go to games and hang out with my friends while yelling and making stupid jokes. I'll go to our local rollerskating rink on most Friday nights that I don't have a tournament the next morning and just enjoy the night in the music and motion of the wheels under my feet. Things are smoothing out and I can only smile and be grateful for all the lessons I have learned thanks to every experience of the past- whether good or bad.

It's probably a good thing that I had no sadness or resentful feelings writing this, just happiness and a bright outlook. And that's why I wrote this retrospective. I'm only in 10th grade, I'm turning 16 in a week and a half. Going through everything I did made me stronger and helped me learn, and I now know not to repeat the same mistakes again. One of the most important things that helped me was having real, caring friends who pushed me to do better, and for that I'm forever grateful. Someday I'll be walking in the park with my headphones on and I'll be smiling and carefree. I've moved on.

I'd like to end this blog with a quote from @Sunset Rose that was commented on my previous post

"Strength isn't an answer to suffering, it's a consequence."

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Always remember that Friendship is Magic.

-DuskSong