"I've got the whole world in front of me, I'm not letting go till I say!" ~ Sleeping With Sirens

I'm finding these days get shorter and shorter as I get older. Hell, it's been 2 years since 2016 already, how implausible is that? I think the only stable, constant thing in my life for a while has been change. It's been a year since I cut my hair short and re-styled it. At the time, it didn't seem like a huge thing to me apart from physical appearance and the fact that I really wanted a new cut, but after all I went through following that event, I can't say I can easily look at old photos and recognize the person in it. I guess it boiled down to the day where I looked in the mirror and realized that I am not the same person I had been for years. My surroundings and the people I associated with changed me for the better, even though I had to suffer to learn some lessons. For years, I loved gaming and used it as an escape to get away from all the negativity that was drowning me, but even that became tainted as my friends changed, too. At the end of each school day, I went home, feeling alone. This was probably a large reason as to why my ex manipulated and changed me so easily, because she was the only one I had. Looking in that mirror became more painful every day before I did something about it, and with each gaze, my mind buzzed with so many thoughts that circled my head and it became like static as I grew in anger with the person I had become. With every reason I had to cut it, and subconsciously wanting to rebel against the ex that I had thoughts of leaving all the way back then, I cut it all off, and styled it into a cleaner, sharper taper.

I looked in that mirror, and it felt as if an era of my life had closed, and I was right, for the most part. I started becoming skeptical of who I was hanging out with at this time, too. I'd get mocked or laughed at for showing emotion or not always being happy. I was seen as different and I didn't feel like I belonged due to my lack of athletic ability, my humor not being the same, my personality conflicting. The end of the school year of 2017 was one of my lowest points, I was forcing myself to act different to gain approval and I lost sight of myself. I was also changing my whole personality, likes, dislikes for a girl who became my downfall. It only takes one time for me to learn, though. I found myself using gaming as nothing more than an escape as I struggled to truly enjoy gaming as a hobby anymore. I kept gaming, and met some good friends, but faced a lot of drama with some bad people during September. After October, I ditched gaming and haven't returned since, finding other passions and hobbies to take up my time, while also avoiding memories from the past that held on for far too long. I've been taking time to recover, find my happiness, and my self, again. I found help and support in a group of friends who I barely hung out with a year ago, and they made the process much easier. Soon after, I dyed my hair because I needed an emotional reset, and as weird as it sounds, a change of hair color allowed me to escape into a bit of a different personality for awhile. I also picked up new hobbies, rollerskating, guitar, writing, and others.

Lately, I've stopped caring completely about judgements of others. To quote Hayley Williams, "To anyone who told you you're no good, they're no better". I still hear remarks about me and insults, but I ignore it. They're not worth the fight, and they don't matter. I walk with a confident stride, face forward, while being completely aware that a lot of people I walk by don't like me. I do what I want, regardless of what other people think. I'll listen to music and do small headbangs at my desk while someone across the room is looking at me like I'm weird or uncool. I've always believed that you should focus on yourself and mind your own business, let people self express and do what makes them happy. Dress how you want to dress, talk how you want to talk, listen to music that others think is bad, let your quirks show! It's not a bad thing to be different, too many people are too alike these days.

I do and act how I want, I don't care about what others think. I think self expression and being yourself is awesome and that you should be true to yourself, don't change for anyone. This is me, and I'm finally happy with the person I am.

-Dusk.